I am naturally a laid back positive person who has been described as a "happy go lucky cheeky chappy". However, after the death of my father, my thirteen year relationship with the woman I worshipped ending, losing my home & pets, then getting my injury which has put me in constant agonising pain, & that then forcing me to lose the job as a graphic designer for a sports company that I loved. All within three years. I am no longer myself. My friends are distancing themselves & I am not close to most of my family. When everything is lost, then there is nothing left to lose. I decided to try & find a way out. I researched the least painful, most successful ways of finding an end to the emotional & physical pain.*admin edit* The only reason I didn't do it there & then was down to the fact that I live opposite a school & I didn't want the children to see anything. There was no way I was going to scare & traumatise innocent young kids because I was in a bad place. That basically saved my life at the point. My younger brother sent me a Snapchat, as he usually did & I responded, only this time I had shaven my head. He instantly knew something was very wrong as anyone who knows me, knows I am quite vain & love my long hair. He came to my flat within minutes & took me straight to the hospital. After that, he sort of 'nurse maided' me for months, attempting to turn me away from the dark place I had fallen into. I can never thank him enough for basically saving me from myself. Twelve months on & I still struggle on a daily basis. I realise that the footing between me & oblivion is very fragile, but by taking things one day at a time, confronting the issues that cause my dark thoughts & trying to reconnect with the "happy go lucky cheeky chappy" that is still inside me somewhere. I miss the old me, however I am trying to be positive about the future & just life in general. I hope that I am over the worst & I wish anyone who is in a dark place the best of luck with your struggle...

Hey bro,
I didn't know you guys really used words like cheeky and chap. I thought that was only on TV . I lost great graphics job too. what a coincidence. I've attempted suicide a couple of times but trust me something always goes wrong and then you're just trying to get back to where you were before the attempt. I won't be attempting again. I am broke too and miss all the money too. Just keep punching. At least you are trying to get back to the fun guy you were before you injury. I was always pretty miserable lol, so I have to invent a whole new me. Good luck man.

Haha! It was my ex who used to say that. I miss her...

Yea, that is a lot of coincidences... Its sad that other people can associate with the situation because it means they are going through a dark spell too...


And apologies for forcing an edit. I will keep that in mind in future posts...

My short fuse is being lit far to often lately. Im absolutely wired & if anybody upsets me, I am a little freaked out that I may react in a that wouldnt be good for anyone....

I noticed myself getting short with girlfriend today and that it isn't like me. But I'm seeing psychologist and psychiatrist. If you feel that way, make an appointment bro. Wouldn't want you to get In any kind of trouble.

Its a six month wait & I dont have the money to go private. I do have my old therapists contact details as she gave them to me after my sessions finished. We got on really well & told me to call her anytime, but I know she has recently suffered a family death & I dont want to add to her stress... Im sure things will settle down & I just have to keep myself to myself for a while...

I understand. I have had too much loss too fast also...deaths, rape, robbery, accident, etc. Overwhelming, turned my world upside down. I isolated and freaked. Had dark thoughts....but I still want to know what is around the corner. Re-inventing oneself can be an adventure. Life's challenges can make us stronger and better, even tho it can be so painful...it also contains joy. When the dark clouds hide the sun in your life, always know the sun is still there.

I was first going to post this as a reply to a TBI/PSC thread about relationships but it belongs here more.

my relationship will likely end soon due to me. My complete surrender to the injury along with my INTENSE hatred of the doctor who gave me oxy and bup together thus making a minor head injury major, is dooming me.

I even pay doctors online to tell me what I already know.
The buprenorphine must be started only in people who have not used oxycodone for at least a day or two.
Paid 18 bucks for that info. Info I already knew 1000 times.

I relive it over and over and over and the ensuing suicide attempts and psych ward visits and horrible pain and loss of career, friends, etc. over and over and over and the medical board finding him not guilty over and over and over and that I started this whole thing by drinking with maois over and over and over.

I don't groom, I don't leave the house. I don't watch TV. I just lay here and think about that doctor like Ahab thought about the whale.
From hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee.

And I was going to post a long reply to you Mark but decided not to. As Dr.Phil would say....."how's that working for you?"

There are so many courageous people on these forums who struggle with pain and disabilities and I am in awe of all of them.

Do you have a church Mark? Is Real Services in your community? People cannot help you if they don't know how you feel and what you need. Please reach out, maybe on your computer and see what's available.

Mark I'm actually kind of scared to reach out to you. But, having been to Captain Ahab Land myself, I know how hearing people appeal to religion, to God, to asking forgiveness can start sounding after a while.

I just want to say that beyond any of that - people are here to help. There is no judgement. And they're here for you. Add me as one more to the list. We're in this together dude.