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Battle with the dark thoughts...

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Old 09-09-2014, 06:00 PM   #1
Andy_Pablo
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Default Battle with the dark thoughts...

I am naturally a laid back positive person who has been described as a "happy go lucky cheeky chappy". However, after the death of my father, my thirteen year relationship with the woman I worshipped ending, losing my home & pets, then getting my injury which has put me in constant agonising pain, & that then forcing me to lose the job as a graphic designer for a sports company that I loved. All within three years. I am no longer myself. My friends are distancing themselves & I am not close to most of my family. When everything is lost, then there is nothing left to lose. I decided to try & find a way out. I researched the least painful, most successful ways of finding an end to the emotional & physical pain.*admin edit* The only reason I didn't do it there & then was down to the fact that I live opposite a school & I didn't want the children to see anything. There was no way I was going to scare & traumatise innocent young kids because I was in a bad place. That basically saved my life at the point. My younger brother sent me a Snapchat, as he usually did & I responded, only this time I had shaven my head. He instantly knew something was very wrong as anyone who knows me, knows I am quite vain & love my long hair. He came to my flat within minutes & took me straight to the hospital. After that, he sort of 'nurse maided' me for months, attempting to turn me away from the dark place I had fallen into. I can never thank him enough for basically saving me from myself. Twelve months on & I still struggle on a daily basis. I realise that the footing between me & oblivion is very fragile, but by taking things one day at a time, confronting the issues that cause my dark thoughts & trying to reconnect with the "happy go lucky cheeky chappy" that is still inside me somewhere. I miss the old me, however I am trying to be positive about the future & just life in general. I hope that I am over the worst & I wish anyone who is in a dark place the best of luck with your struggle...

Last edited by Chemar; 09-09-2014 at 07:15 PM. Reason: sorry but too graphic/triggering
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Old 09-09-2014, 06:14 PM   #2
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Hey bro,
I didn't know you guys really used words like cheeky and chap. I thought that was only on TV . I lost great graphics job too. what a coincidence. I've attempted suicide a couple of times but trust me something always goes wrong and then you're just trying to get back to where you were before the attempt. I won't be attempting again. I am broke too and miss all the money too. Just keep punching. At least you are trying to get back to the fun guy you were before you injury. I was always pretty miserable lol, so I have to invent a whole new me. Good luck man.

Last edited by Chemar; 09-09-2014 at 07:15 PM. Reason: quoted post had to be edited as per guidelines
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Old 09-09-2014, 07:32 PM   #3
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Haha! It was my ex who used to say that. I miss her...

Yea, that is a lot of coincidences... Its sad that other people can associate with the situation because it means they are going through a dark spell too...


And apologies for forcing an edit. I will keep that in mind in future posts...
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Old 09-14-2014, 05:59 PM   #4
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My short fuse is being lit far to often lately. Im absolutely wired & if anybody upsets me, I am a little freaked out that I may react in a that wouldnt be good for anyone....
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Old 09-14-2014, 06:15 PM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Andy_Pablo View Post
My short fuse is being lit far to often lately. Im absolutely wired & if anybody upsets me, I am a little freaked out that I may react in a that wouldnt be good for anyone....
I noticed myself getting short with girlfriend today and that it isn't like me. But I'm seeing psychologist and psychiatrist. If you feel that way, make an appointment bro. Wouldn't want you to get In any kind of trouble.
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Old 09-15-2014, 04:07 AM   #6
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Its a six month wait & I dont have the money to go private. I do have my old therapists contact details as she gave them to me after my sessions finished. We got on really well & told me to call her anytime, but I know she has recently suffered a family death & I dont want to add to her stress... Im sure things will settle down & I just have to keep myself to myself for a while...
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Old 09-15-2014, 11:38 AM   #7
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At those times
Try to come here
Too get a little help
From the Friends
Who Know
Hang on
Me
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Old 09-15-2014, 03:50 PM   #8
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Came across this book of poems by E..Bass and couldn't resist...

Don't Expect Applause

And yet, wouldn't it be welcome
at the end of each ordinary day?
The audience could be small,
the theater modest. folding chairs
in a church basement would do.
Just a short earnest burst of applause
that you got up that morning
and, one way or another,
made it through the day.

You soaped up in the steaming
shower, drank your Starbucks
in the car, and let the guy with the
Windex wipe your windshield
during the long red light at Broad Street.
Or maybe you were that guy,
not daring to light up
while you stood there because
everyone's so down on smoke these days.

Or you kissed your wife
as she hurried out the door, even though
you were pretty sure she was
meeting her lover at the Flamingo Motel,
even though you wanted to grab her
by a hank of her sleek hair.

Maybe your son's in jail.
Your daughter's stopped eating.
And your husband's still dead
this morning, just like he was
yesterday and the day before that.
And yet you put on your shoes
and take a walk, and when a neighbor
says Good morning, you say
Good morning back.

Would a round of applause be amiss?
Even if you weren't good.
If you yelled at your kid,
poisoned the ants, drank too much
and said that really stupid thing
you promised yourself you wouldn't say.
Even if you don't deserve it.

****************

by Ellen Bass The Human Line
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Old 09-15-2014, 05:55 PM   #9
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it's been a wasted life and that's a shame. it didn't have to be. just could never make the hard decisions in life and head injury symptoms getting worse after 7 years. thought they would stay the same.
cant take noise, terrible pain neck back of head burning body, pulsatile tinnitus and on and on...
Well over three hundred pounds, palpitations, cant really walk anywhere because of head pain/dizziness...this did't have to be...I'm in trouble i guess. and scared.
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Old 09-15-2014, 07:18 PM   #10
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Wren, you do not have permission to access this page. This could be due to one of several reasons:

Your user account may not have sufficient privileges to access this page. Are you trying to edit someone else's post, access administrative features or some other privileged system?
If you are trying to post, the administrator may have disabled your account, or it may be awaiting activation.


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