I had been trying to figure out where to post this, as we have so many options I've managed to confuse myself. I thought about the Depression Forum, but I think I'm more of a nervous wreck than I am depressed. Then again, I haven't had enough time to spend on myself for a proper self-diagnosis. I thought about the Anxiety forum, and then thought maybe I am depressed.

I always kept coming back here, and considered posting here several times and didn't. I don't know why but I'm kind of afraid of it, like I know one day I will end up posting the story of my brothers death here and the thought of it turns my stomach. I carry so much guilt when in reality, he should be. It never ends with him, and I know he will end it one day or someone will end it for him and I will be left feeling guilty that I was so angry.

I can't remember a time even as a child he was kind to me unless he wanted something. He has beaten me well beyond the normal sibling rivalry beatings. He has jumped on my back, split my head open with a large piece of wood, pulled bows and guns on me, killed several of my pets and more. As I aged, I seemed to have blinders to any form of manipulation and either handed him money for a drug habit or he stole it.

Of course now I'm older to see that the way he's treated humans and animals (extremely cruel and aggressive) as a child and young teen should have been a sign for my parents to seek professional help for him, but sources weren't as good in the 70's and 80's.

I don't know who to blame, maybe it's genetic or maybe something happened. I have quite a block of my childhood I don't recall but somewhere along the line he turned into a very angry person. We were around 7 or 8 when it started. I always seemed to be the target for his anger, if it weren't me, he'd kill my pets.

I recall clearly the day I moved out I called him and was crying, asking why he hated me so much. That seemed to be a turning point, he cried. I really believed he hurt for hurting me. But it didn't stop his behavior. He kept drinking and doing light drugs, but that only grew. He's a year older than I am and had more going for him than I did for me. But as his habit grew, I was proving people wrong who thought I'd never get through high school, college, etc.

I never understood why my Grandma and Dad favored him, and I'm not being dramatic. I mean they'd pick him up and leave me at my mom's. Up until 3 years ago, they thought he was an angel. Until thousands upon thousands of dollars went missing from their bank this time. Until he was getting aggressive with them. Not until then did they see what I had put up with my entire life. And even with all of that pain, I would never EVER turn my back on him.

If it weren't for the one day he cried, I'd not even consider him human. But he is, and I know deep down he's good. But he needs therapy and drug rehab. But it seems like he wants his lifestyle (which is now heroin, cocaine, and stealing money to get it) or no life at all.

Any time he has been arrested or confronted, he's tried to commit suicide and I am sure he will eventually do it unless one of his acquaintances does it first. I actually believed he was going into the Army and paid for his 'testing' (whatever that was) and found out that he never even signed up.

I moved nearly to the opposite side of the United States to try and leave some of these things behind. If it hurt me, I left it there. But it seems to keep chasing me and I cannot handle how it leaves me feeling. I know my brother, and I know he will find a way to end things. He's gotten bad enough he shot up in front of my niece in his truck then drove while high. He will lose custody and he's in jail now and in a special room as he is on suicide watch (he's attempted twice since June 2nd).

I haven't heard from him since I believe it was December he called asking for money. I said "No", as I really don't want to take part in his habits and he never called again. He called me collect from jail on my birthday (june 2nd) and when I said that I don't have the money to bail him out (which is true, I really don't) he said awful things. He said maybe I'd remember not helping him when he's dead or how I turned my back on him.

I'm not sure why I'm even typing all of this. I don't know why it hurts me so much when it's coming from someone who has hated me since I was born. My dad calls me now (we hadn't spoken for over 15 years until my brother started to make his bad habits obvious), and I do still check on my grandma every day. I know she was mean to me, but no-one checks on her and I still love her. But I get mad when my dad says bad things about my brother, even if he's right. It's like I know deep down my brother is going to die and I expect everyone to be nice because of that.

I can't stop him, and I want to. I really want that good person who is buried under all of the drugs and anger. I wanted so much for him. I could have been jealous and happy he 'failed' so I could finally shine. I was the sickly one, destined to fail and be stupid. But I would be happier if I had him next to me. He's losing everything, and it's breaking my heart. My friend tells me that I shouldn't love such a monster. But he isn't one, and I'm the only person in the world who knows he's capable of being a loving person. I'm the only person who has seen him cry since he was a toddler (short of one time he got his face kicked by a bull).

I just feel like I need to let go, because if he dies I don't think I can handle all of the guilt I have and I don't know why I have it. I'm not taking his calls, he just yells at me now. Either he says he'll kill me or kill himself and it's really just too much.

I have this fear of people dying before I can say goodbye, or say what I wanted to. I've been losing friends and family members to murder and suicide since I was 6 and not once have I got to say goodbye or bury anything bad between us. I am now living that all with my brother, when I know deep down it's not healthy for me.

Anyway, I'm sorry for babbling and I'm sorry for invading this forum. I'm afraid of the word suicide itself, and I thought maybe posting here would help me out with some of my personal issues.

I just don't know what to do and it feels like my heart is being ripped apart.

Thanks for your time and letting me borrow a chunk of your forum.

(((Ellie))) I wish I had more time to talk to you, but I don't so I hope someone else will come along.

You shouldn't have any guilt concerning your brother, period. He's extremely ... well, extreme. You mentioned more than sibling rivalry and you were absolutely right. And mostly everyone knows that people who torture, maim or kill animals as children usually grow up to be criminals.

You don't owe him a thing. What you do owe is a healthy lifestyle to yourself. I don't know if you've been to a therapist, but a good therapist, over time, can do a world of good.

His threats, in my opinion, are just that. He's playing on your, and others, sympathy. You hate me so I'm going to kill myself. You won't give me money so I'm' going to kill myself. If he did, you most certainly would not be guilty of any part of it.

I'm shocked at your parents regardless of the 70s and 80s. If I had a child killing pets and mercilessly beating on my daughter, I'd be doing something. It sounds to me like you are long overdue on telling your father and grandmother exactly what went down and how you feel about the way everyone has been treated.

I'm so sorry. Your story just makes me a little angry, personally, because my best friend went through some of that same stuff with her daughter. Her daughter didn't kill pets, but she's done everything else short of almost murdering someone.

Take care of yourself and see if you can find a good counselor/therapist to talk to. You don't owe your brother a thing. When we have deep feelings for someone, it's easy for us to see that 'crying' side of them and defend them to others by insisting they really are good on the inside.

Your brother needs tons of help, and I think more than you can give because you should be giving to yourself.

I sure wouldn't take any more collect calls from jail unless you're doing really well monetarily! My friend's daughter used to do that all the time and her phone bill was outrageous.

And you have every right to come in here to tell your story and I'm glad you did.

I hope someone else comes along who isn't as 'tough-love' as I am, because right now your brother just ticks me off royally.

Very sincere hugs for you.

Ellie

I think Doody's tuff luv is right on the mark when it comes to what you are having to endure and suffer because of your brother.

But, I know all too well from having witnessed my mom's struggles with her sister, who did similar to her, but rather than beating, would cut up her clothes etc and certainly assault her verbally and emotionally continuously.......yet my mom loved my aunt so deeply, and ached for her continuously, despite the abuse that she had suffered from her. And the torment she went thru every time my aunt would either threaten or "attempt" to kill herself, always blaming someone, and usually blaming my mom.

I am thankful that in their case, my aunt got treatment and cleaned up, about 25 years ago, and was dx with bipolar, which certainly explained the extremes she suffered. She changed dramatically after that and they again became close, my aunt maintained her treatment till she died in her late 70s last year. My mom misses her deeply.

So dear Ellie
I dont know if that gives you hope that a miracle CAN happen for you brother and I sure pray it will.

In the meantime tho, I echo what Doody said.
Your brother isnt just hurting his own life....he is hurting yours, his daughter's and who knows how many others.
He needs help.

And you cant be his physical OR emotional punchbag anymore.
He is responsible for his life Ellie. Not you.
If you need to continue loving him from a total distance and cut him out till he gets help, then that is what you have to do. You have quite enough on your own plate to have to carry his too.

I so wish we had more adequate funding for good and careful mental healthcare in the prison systems. I really feel that more people would come out of jail in better shape than when they went in, and possibly not end up there again, if the root cause of some of the reasons they are in there were correctly dx and treated............. but that is another discussion

Right now, I just want to give you another and let you know you, and your brother will be in my thoughts and prayers Ellie

I'm so glad you have people like Doody and Chemar talking to and helping you. I know more will soon be along.
God bless and keep you.

I think I can feel, or share, some of your pain. I have an older brother who lives his life much the same way. He was only a grade above me in school, when he was actually there. My brother has supposedly gotten help... all kinds of therapy... but he is the same, and he is still mentally ill. The verbal, physical, and sexual abuse I endured... most of it has not ended. Things were normalized for me that should never have been. There was and is nothing I can, and really nothing anyone else around me will do about him, so I've realized recently that I need to do what I can to help and protect myself. I will not have knives slid under my door while I stand on the other side, holding the lock so he cannot come in... it takes too much of my energy -- it drains me -- to hear him now... bringing me down... when I can still hear and feel the past so readily. He has hurt and abused me my whole life, as your brother did, and I don't think I know how to deal with it still but I know I have to find a way or it will just eat away at my life and my other relationships. Somewhere in ourselves, we have to find distance from them...

Thank you for posting what you did, it was very valuable to me today, to know I'm not alone in that battle...

Doody is right Ellie..you can't let your brother hold you hostage to his threats of commiting suicide. He may very well kill himself someday but that isn't your "job" in life to live in fear of it nor think you can prevent it.

You have already had to endure much more in your life than you should have from a sibling and from parents who were irresponsibile.

There's nothing wrong with loving the brother you wish you had...the one who cried..but you have to take of you.

Oh, and this forum loves new people....welcome.

(((Annabell))) Are you in the same home with your brother?

You are absolutely right dear heart. You have to distance yourself from 'toxic' people...you have to if you want any qualilty of life.

And therapy didn't help your brother, but it may very well help you. Life is just too damned short to waste it on ne'er-do-wells and problems we can't seem to fix. There is, honest, too much beauty in the world to waste your precious time here on earth. We can't always see the miracles around us when we're engulfed in emotional turmoil.

Stand up for yourself and love yourself. We can't change our pasts but we can try to feel better for our futures.

I'm very strange. I've taken to sticky notes on my mirrors. When I think of something about myself that I like, I write it down and stick it on the mirror and I'll be darned if there aren't quite a few up there. My favorite is that I was a good mom.

You and Ellie are too good to let the bastards get you down.

Hi Ellie. I am so sorry that you have been the victim of such cruelty. No one deserves to be treated that way. That kind of behavior should not be allowed to continue... whether it is drugs or mental illness or whatever that is causing it. I agree that the tough love response is the right one - not only for yourself but also for your brother.

If I can make a suggestion, why not compose a letter to him and draw those boundaries clearly and firmly - no more money no matter what the story - no more cruel words tolerated - no more meaness. Until HE decides that he wants to change his life and behavior - YOU be the one to cut off the contact. Tell him of your love and - even make it a "goodbye" - then do not allow any more contact unless or until he changes.

Then - go get some therapy and support to stick by your decision and work through the damage that has been inflicted by your family - intentionally or not - it is there.

I lost a brother and a husband to suicide. The circumstances were very different than yours...but I understand "guilt". But - just because I may struggle with it at times.....that doesn't mean that I truely have anything to feel guilty about. People make their choices as does your brother...to be mean...to lie and steal...to hurt others.........and now YOU can make a choice...to no longer be his victim. There is nothing in the world wrong with that and everything right about it so ....any guilt you might feel is false guilt.

Your brother's behavior is self-destrutive....using the threat of suicide to hold you hostage is just one more form of abuse - trust me that your giving in to his demands is not really "saving" him.

Please feel free to come and post here any time. There are many wise and understanding people here. I hope you find peace in this situation.

awww ellie..you found the right spot to post. i'm glad you did.

i dont think i can add much on the advice you have gotten so far...but to say they are right on the mark.

most of us who post here and have been posting together for a long time know the exact feelings you are having. you are the victim ellie. but seeking help for yourself is the first step.

i'm just an im away if you need me.

HI Ellie... I read this yesterday... but didn't reply cuz I knew I would have to be in the right head space. Not sure my head is ever in the right space.. ha ha, but I really wanted to share my un-educated feelings with you.

Yes, you are depressed. If you are thinking it - you are - and I really hope you can reach out for help (for a doctor and therapist, not just us)- you need it, sweetie.

I'm the mom of a son who was sexually abused when he was 4 years old. He will be 30 this year. (those who know me well here, know that he has not spoken to me since I left his Dad over 7 years ago - the reasons are diverse, but the bottom line is my son started hating me and behaving the way he did as the years passed by and the end result was it was easier to walk away from me than get the help he needs... God, I could write a book... but I can't... if you know what I mean...)

THAT was my first thought when you talk about your brother.
Your brother has been very damaged by life.
Something horrible caused him to be the way he is to you and others.
Only he can get the help for that... as sad as that realization is - he may never get that help.

My therapist told me that one day, hopefully, my son will have a strong woman in his life who will be able to help him recognize how to reach out for help... I don't know... all I know is that the only one I can help... is me.

And that's what you have to do Ellie... you have to help you.
I know our situations are vastly different... however, basic human pain is our familiar ground - we can compare and reach out for support and understanding.

That is what you are doing... crying out to understand your brother. Instead, I think you have to understand yourself. Love yourself.

Have you blocked your brothers calls? I urge you to do this. Or get call display - and if you don't recognize the number - don't answer.
It is easier to delete a phone message than it is to hang up the phone on someone you love.

Like Spanish Moss... I suffer immense guilt... what did I do wrong as a mother... I can't go there... it hurts so much.

Ellie- have you heard of the book called Co-Dependant No More? Try and find it - it will help you understand yourself better.

You didn't mention your Mom. What role did she play in this... or was she even there... maybe that is the pain your brother holds deep... ?

(((ANNABELLE))) I feel for you, too.

I hope you have learned that it doesn't matter what the title of a forum is... what matters is the people who take part in it... we have found an amazingly safe haven... and as the years go by, I am more thankful every day for all that I have learned here. I attribute so much personal growth to this place and the people I have met.

xo for now... Addy