I'm having a tough time lately and I need a place to vent, so thanks to all of you for giving me a safe place to express my feelings. Two months ago, I woke up in the middle of the night with a terrible headache. It was so horrible that I wanted to kill myself, but I was throwing up so bad that taking pills was out and my head hurt so bad that I couldn't think of any other good ways to do it.

The whole episode scared the crap out of me. I went to my neurologist who did a lot of tests which all came back negative. His only solution was to refer me to a headache specialist with a 7-month wait for an appointment. I told him, "I don't think I can live like this much longer," but he ignored that statement and sent me on my way. I later called and asked to switch to another neurologist in his practice. The new guy I requested refused to see me and my neurologist dropped me as a patient.

There's been something wrong with me ever since. My mood is all over the place. I'm sad, angry, frustrated, and every little thing hurts my feelings. I have thoughts of suicide every day. I've tried to talk to my husband, but he doesn't respond. We finally had a good conversation about 10 days ago and I was very open with him about the way I've been feeling. We've been married for 31 years.

After that one conversation, he never once asked me how I was feeling or if things were getting better for me (they're not). Today, I asked him about that and he said that if I wanted to kill myself there was nothing he could do to stop me. Wow, I was really hurt, but I talked to him calmly and he finally asked me what I wanted from him. I told him I needed
someone to talk to,
to feel like someone cared,
to feel loved.
His reply? "I'll take you to any doctor any time you want to go, but I couldn't possibly understand what you're going through."

I don't understand it either. Was I traumatized by the headache combined with thoughts of suicide? Could the headache have caused minor brain trauma that affected my mood? I've lived with chronic pain and depression for three years. I'm taking Cymbalta. This is different. I don't know what this is. It's terrible. I hope I can find someone to help me soon.

Thanks for letting me share my story.

hi and welcome to the forums.
I can't believe how insensitive your husband is....I am so sorry for that.
Do you have any girl friends in real life that you can rely upon?
I am sorry that it is so hard for you right now.
bizi

Hi and welcome. You've come to the right place to talk about your feelings! Talking is important so please do that with anyone who is able to listen. Sorry that doesn't seem to include your husband.

Is there any kind of support group in your city? Church, library, hospital?
I am leaving town for several days so won't be around but please know that I will be thinking about you.

Have you had a complete medical work up lately, and maybe a head MRI etc?
Just to make sure there is no physical cause.

Thank you for your kind words. I had a MRI, MRA, and lots of lab tests after the headache, but everything came back normal.

I don't have any friends I feel close enough to talk about these feelings. My husband and kids always seemed like enough for me. I am so lucky that my adult children live nearby. I talk to them almost every day and they are wonderful, but I don't think it would be fair to talk to them about this.

I have an appointment with my pain management doctor next Monday. Maybe he can recommend someone for me to talk to. I've always been afraid that if I talk about my emotional problems to a doctor then my physical problems will be ignored or blamed on depression. Maybe I need to rethink that philosophy.

Joining this group has been a positive experience. I'm so glad I found all of you. Thanks for listening and have a great day.
Cheryl

Hi Cheryl,

I suffer from Chronic Cluster Headaches, which are often referred to as Suicide Headaches because of their intensity. You should not have been left without treatment or a dx for something so severe - although this seems par for the course for Neuros in my experience.

Keep coming here and talking, you are guaranteed to find support from friends.

Dave.

Hi Dave,
I'm so sorry that you are suffering from something so dreadful that it's nickname contains the word "suicide."
I read on another post that you were having a rough time yesterday, and yet you took time to offer me comfort.
I hope you are better today.
Thanks, Cheryl