I don't want to write a saga, but I guess I still have a lot to say...

I'm a BPII alcoholic and was hospitalized this past December/January for my first/only s/s attempt following 4mo of drunken hypomania (although sober when I did it). It was brutal. I was psychotic. But I checked myself out early that visit.

This time, I stayed until the MD said I was ready to go home.

I stopped drinking for 3 mo after. 1-2 every mo or so after that (scout's honour) until I had to stop Lithium... Amazing period of clarity, followed by insidoius hypomania until I had 3 beers on back to back nights...
Enter Latuda...
Then a full-blown episode (of the miserable variety) reported on a Monday to a pdoc who was patronizing and did not take it seriously. I packed a bag that night and drank 4 beers trying to make it go away.

The next morning, I put a sign on my fridge door "NO MORE BEER!" and somehow was able to stick to my resolve that I was not going to deal with things THAT WAY anymore.

Pdoc was no help, despite my calls to her office. I had an appointment scheduled for that Friday at 3. I was taking my 2nd or 3rd shower of the day at around 10 that same Friday, and the thoughts came. I flew out of the shower, I called a cab, then 911, grabbed my bag and locked myself out of my apartment.

In the future if I know that I'm going to need to be hospitalized, I'm not waiting that long. I'm getting new mental health providers.

I spent several days in a 5-bed unit behind 3 locked doors.

My in-patient psychiatrist was afraid of "over-stimulation" once I got out of the intensive unit...
Apparently for good reason, "You have an extensive trauma history."
Fortunately by the time I was attending "groups," the new med was working well enough that I was only experiencing anxiety because I was able to step away.

You can't detox from 35yrs of trauma in a week.
And being there was kinda traumatic.
But I will go in-patient again when I need to. I will call 911 again when I need to.

I'm so grateful I'm alive.
My safety plan worked.
And thank God for that sign on my fridge.

I'm so happy to be home
But I still have more work to do.

Thank you,
Kay