I don't want to write a saga, but I guess I still have a lot to say...

I'm a BPII alcoholic and was hospitalized this past December/January for my first/only s/s attempt following 4mo of drunken hypomania (although sober when I did it). It was brutal. I was psychotic. But I checked myself out early that visit.

This time, I stayed until the MD said I was ready to go home.

I stopped drinking for 3 mo after. 1-2 every mo or so after that (scout's honour) until I had to stop Lithium... Amazing period of clarity, followed by insidoius hypomania until I had 3 beers on back to back nights...
Enter Latuda...
Then a full-blown episode (of the miserable variety) reported on a Monday to a pdoc who was patronizing and did not take it seriously. I packed a bag that night and drank 4 beers trying to make it go away.

The next morning, I put a sign on my fridge door "NO MORE BEER!" and somehow was able to stick to my resolve that I was not going to deal with things THAT WAY anymore.

Pdoc was no help, despite my calls to her office. I had an appointment scheduled for that Friday at 3. I was taking my 2nd or 3rd shower of the day at around 10 that same Friday, and the thoughts came. I flew out of the shower, I called a cab, then 911, grabbed my bag and locked myself out of my apartment.

In the future if I know that I'm going to need to be hospitalized, I'm not waiting that long. I'm getting new mental health providers.

I spent several days in a 5-bed unit behind 3 locked doors.

My in-patient psychiatrist was afraid of "over-stimulation" once I got out of the intensive unit...
Apparently for good reason, "You have an extensive trauma history."
Fortunately by the time I was attending "groups," the new med was working well enough that I was only experiencing anxiety because I was able to step away.

You can't detox from 35yrs of trauma in a week.
And being there was kinda traumatic.
But I will go in-patient again when I need to. I will call 911 again when I need to.

I'm so grateful I'm alive.
My safety plan worked.
And thank God for that sign on my fridge.

I'm so happy to be home
But I still have more work to do.

Thank you,
Kay

Hi Kay,

Wow. Close call. I, too, am glad you are alive!

You are courageous to share so honestly. I hope your courage, your honesty, your sharing and your resolve will help you in your ongoing day-to-day, sometimes moment-to-moment, self-management and recovery process.

I am sorry your psychiatrist did not take you as seriously as you'd needed on that Friday. Yet, am grateful you were able to get yourself the immediate help you'd needed.

Yes, it takes time to work on recovering from 35 years of trauma. I hope your psychiatrist or therapist specializes in "trauma." There are a few different approaches to dealing with trauma with a professional. Trauma is now a specialty and the therapists and MDs truly dedicated to trauma care can educate you as to trauma treatment options and can help you to choose the modality best suite to you and your individual needs. (There are specific types of talk therapy which may be helpful, there are mind-body approaches which include bodywork, there is EMDR, etc.)

Bessel van der Kolk and Peter Levine are two of the leading researchers on "trauma care" in the U.S.

Have you been introduced to CBT? Many find CBT very helpful in managing day-to-day, moment-by-moment.

I have found mindfulness practices very helpful to changing my perspectives, to defusing stress, and to enjoying life as much as possible.

Many find 12 Step programs helpful with addiction issues. You had referred to yourself as an "alcoholic" in your post. I have attended many of these types of meetings with friends and with some relatives, as well. I feel everyone can benefit from mastering the 12 steps.

You had mentioned having to discontinue lithium. Sounds like Latuda had caused issues for you? I hope you feel stabilized on a medication regimen now.

Kay, absolutely everything in your post indicates you can have a truly fulfilling life! Although you may need to live a mindful, balanced life, you are intelligent, insightful, motivated and hopeful. You write very clearly.

Thanks so much for sharing so candidly here.
I, too, am glad you are alive and looking forward to enjoying life!

With Admiration,
DejaVu

P.S. Safety Plans are so important! Glad you had one in place!

Hi Kay,

So happy that your Safety Plan worked exactly as it should have, and that you completed the stay and treatment until your MD agreed you were ok.

You should also be proud of yourself for putting that sign on the fridge and sticking to it.

Please keep up the good work, it will be a long road working through 35 years of trauma, but we are all here for you.

Dave.

You've worked hard to get where you are - be proud of yourself!

Good for you, Kay! Thanks for sharing your story. I'm so glad that you had a plan and did what you needed to do to take care of yourself.
Cheryl

Kay,

Next time you feel the urge I want you to try something. Make believe there is no such thing as alcohol. No pills or drugs. And no insanity.

Force yourself to find other ways to cope. It will be rough at first, til you get the hang of it.

This little trick has bought me nearly 25 years of sobriety and I've never shared it with anyone. Try it. It's called Lateral thinking.

I know it sounds strange but try it. I've been locked behind 3 doors too.

Kay,

You are truly amazing -- in a wondrous way.




M

Kay,
You are so strong and determined and obviously smart. I am glad your plan worked.
Thanks for the courage to share your story.

I want to share another plan with you. A friend and I, earlier in our lives, were both very ill and we talked about our suicidal tendencies. She recognized my despair and we
decided on this pact.....we would call each other, to talk, no matter what time of day or night, if we felt suicidal and promised we would not take our lives without talking to each other first. It helped me immensely to know she was always there, just a call away(and this was way before text messages!)

My best, Diandra

Thank you, Diandra
I'm so glad you have a friend like that!

I did have a similar plan in place in the past, and it worked work for years.

But I had to modify my plan because of the severity of what I did to myself...
Now I know I need to stay sober, stay on my BP meds and get behind those 3 locked doors as soon as I can when I have those thoughts.

i absolutely concur
awesome stuff
thank you
me