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Suicidal thoughts always there in the back of my head

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Old 08-24-2015, 08:13 PM   #1
SamG11
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Default Suicidal thoughts always there in the back of my head

Hi all,



New here on the "Survivors of suicide forums". Been very active for almost a year on the traumatic brain injury and post concussion syndrome forums.. And I love it there. And will continue to stay active there.



But I'm here for help, advice, and just overall talk to people who are willing to listen. So, here's my story, and why I'm here.


I'm Sam and I'm going to be 15 years old in October. Many tell me I'm extremely mature for my age.

Let's start...

At the beginning of this suffering.


October 17, 2014, I hit my head playing football on my friends lawn. Without knowing, I continued to play and had a concussion. Weeks passed, then months, and I was diagnosed with Post Concussion Sydrome. Been suffering with a nightmare feeling of feeling in a dream like state all the time. Everything feels more unreal than usual.


Been suffering with it for almost a year now. I'm extremely sensitive, and every so often I just break down and cry. I cry so hard it hurts. I hate myself, and I have no friends. I have one friend that's a girl that I talk to, but that's about it. I'm so scared, and loosing hope, and want to just end this because I feel like I will never get better.

My everyday life consists of me either hiding in my room, playing video games all day, and sleeping. My parents and family get extremely angry when they see this, and want me to go outside and hang with my friends. What they don't realize is that I honestly have none. For some reason everyone hates me, and I struggle to find true friends that actually want to hangout with me for me.



Hopefully someone out there cares.
Sam
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Old 08-24-2015, 10:08 PM   #2
Lara
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Hi Sam. I care.

You know me already but I just wanted to post here to you as well.

Are you ever able to sit down with your parents and talk from your heart the way you have here? Do they know how sad you have been lately?
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Old 08-24-2015, 10:17 PM   #3
bizi
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hi sam,
maybe you can print out what you wrote then read it to them??
just a thought.
sorry it is so hard for you....
bizi
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one day at a time....
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Old 08-24-2015, 11:07 PM   #4
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Hi Sam,

Sounds like you are in a lot of pain with all of this?
I am very sorry for your pain.

Lara and bizi have encouraged you to talk openly with your parents.
I agree with them. Talking openly with your parents may be very helpful.
Do you feel this is something you can do?

It's all too easily to lose track of friendships if/when we are sidelined by a medical condition. I am sorry you feel you have lost friendships. Must feel lonely at times?

The "dreamy state" you have mentioned can feel very isolating from the rest of the world.

Have you noticed if anything helps with this feeling? Sometimes, people report having someone talk to them helps, just hearing a voice helps. Some people report isolation makes this dreamy state worse. Have you noticed things which make this better or worse?

Have you been able to see a therapist, a psychologist, a neuropsychologist?

Are you increasingly anxious about the school year starting?

Does the student guidance office know about your condition, so they can assess your individual needs and can advocate for you at school?

Please know we do care, Sam.
We hope to help. Sometimes, it truly takes a village.
I am glad you are finding the TBI/PCS forum helpful.
You are courageous to reach out here, as well.

Looking forward to hearing more about you, Sam.

Warmly,
DejaVu
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Old 08-25-2015, 06:15 AM   #5
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Hi Sam,

I care, too. You are brave and right to admit to these thoughts here so we can start to show you where to get help. Just remember, you are dealing with the turmoil of growing up on top of a serious medical issue - that is not easy for a healthy person.

DejaVu has already pointed you towards Therapy and addressing your Guidance Counsellor at school with your needs, but you really do need to deal with family attitude - anger is destructive.

Compromise is the way forward here. As suggested by bizi, could you see your way to writing a letter to your family expressing exactly how you feel. If opening up to the whole family is too daunting, choose one member to pass the letter to. Ask for help and understanding, but you have to offer something in return - 2 hours of your game time a day which you will sacrifice to spend with, interact with your family. Even start lower, say an hour, but make that commitment to renew the bond.

If your female friend would agree to participate in this activity occasionally, then you may not feel so isolated.

Friends at school, or outside, is a tricky one. Often people find kindred spirits in the shared interests of Clubs. The only thing my best friend and I had in common at the start was liking an obscure Prog Rock Group. The thing is you never know where friendships are going to form.

Above all else, work on removing these Dark Thoughts. They are damaging further what should be a most wonderful part of your life. You are seeking help, which shows maturity. Now you need to get out and live your life within your PCS limitations.

Dave.
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Old 08-25-2015, 06:40 AM   #6
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Hi Sam,

My caring hugs, heart and prayers go out to you.

I'm sure many more people love and care about you than you probably even realize.

I have been in that dark place often and it can be overwhelming and
isolating . I feel that there is a reason that we are still here in this " game we call life"

Have you thought about talking to a professional therapist? I feel that it could be a good step for you to talk to an impartial and trained person to guide you with some distractions and tools to help you cope when you get into that dark place. It's sure worth a shot....

All the best always Sam
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Old 08-25-2015, 08:27 AM   #7
Alffe
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Hi Sam,

You've come to the right place to talk about your feelings.
Please print this out and hand it to your family. It hung on my fridge for years.

Listen

When I ask you to listen to me
and you start giving advice
you have not done what I asked.

When I ask you to listen to me
and you begin to tell me why I
shouldn't feel that way,
you are trampling on my feelings.

When I ask you to listen to me
and you feel you have to do
something to solve my problems,
you have failed me,
strange as that may seem.

Listen! All I asked, was that you listen,
not to talk or do - just hear me.
Advice is cheap: 10 cents will get you both
Dear Abby and Billy Graham in the same newspaper.
And I can do for myself; I'm not helpless.
Maybe discouraged and faltering, but not helpless.

When you do something for me that I can and need to
do for myself, you contribute to my fear and weakness.

But when you accept as a simple fact that I do feel what
I feel, not matter how irrational, then I quit trying to
convince you and can get about the business of understanding
what's behind this irrational feeling.
And when that's clear, the answers are obvious and I
don't need advice.

Irrational feelings make sense when we understand what's
behind them. Perhaps that's why prayer works, sometimes, for
some people because God is mute, and he doesn't give advice or
try to fix things. "They" just listen and let you work it out
for yourself.

So, please listen and just hear me. If you want to talk, wait a
minute for your turn, and I'll listen to you.
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Old 08-25-2015, 09:23 AM   #8
SamG11
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Wow, Thank you so much to everyone who has replied and is here to help.



I do talk to my parents about my PCS and they know and get all of that. And I'm pretty sure they have some knowledge of me being depressed. But I'm scared to tell them that it's getting this bad.



Really, how I think of it, is that if this horrible horrible dream feeling will just go away and I could have my life back.. My depression would get a lot better with it.


But what I don't understand is that, why is this feeling still here ? Why me ? Why am I the one to be haunted ? And yet no one understands this feeling. It's so odd and even I admit that.



Before all of this I was the happiest kid alive. Playing 2-3 sports, extremely active, friends has always sorta been difficult with me, but I still had a couple before all of this. I LOVED LIFE. There could be nothing possibly to go wrong or bring me down. Even if that happened, I would get back up and continue to push forward.



But now..

It's almost like someone has picked up my life and ripped it into shreds and threw it back down. My life is nothing now. When school starts, I don't even know how and what I'm going to do. And I'm extremely anxious over it. It's just nothing..
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Old 08-25-2015, 09:55 AM   #9
Alffe
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(((Sam))) Please talk to your parents about what you are feeling. People cannot help you if they do not know how you feel.
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Old 08-25-2015, 12:40 PM   #10
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Sam, I am so sorry that you are dealing with so much at the moment. You are am extremely brave young individual. I can honestly say that opening up to my brother about my own dark thoughts helped immensely. Please, start with one family member you trust & open up to them in the most honest way possible. Having someone at your side is so important...

I wish you the very best.

Andy.
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