Different perception
 

I am sorry but I do not perceive the postings made in the same manner as you seem to do. I do not see people throwing "guilt" onto you. Could your perception be skewed?

The only thing I have seen are people reaching out to you, trying to offer help, trying to throw you a LIFE LINE, NOT guilt. People trying to allow you to see a brighter side. People trying to get you out of the dark hole that I feel you have fallen into.

We all experience moments (or longer) when we wallow in self-pity. We have good reasons for our self-indulgence into that state of mind.

People are trying to pull you from that frame of mind into one where life really can be enjoyed no matter what our afflictions, our tragedies, our history, our prognosis.

From the information I have gleaned from your posts, your physical ailments do not appear to pose a disastrous, never ending, painful prognosis. I can not address your psychological issues and prognosis, but from your listing of physical conditions, there is MUCH hope for recovery.

It is up to YOU, if you want to continue to wallow in self-pity or take control and improve your situation. From what I have read to date, there is much within YOUR control. The question is whether you want to take that control or not.

I REALLY do wish that you would make a choice to take control of your life and make it the best you can. You DO have that power.

Your lack of recognition at work, from your children, from outside sources is not what matters. YOU are what matters. YOU have to be your own best friend. The physical ailments you have mentioned can be managed. You need to work on your mental state if you want to find happiness. It is out there, you just need to want it and work toward obtaining it.

This is NOT to make you feel guilty but to tell you there IS HOPE.

Unless I missed the boat or you have not disclosed other physical ailments, you are NOT doomed to a life of pain and suffering.

Life IS HARD. Some are dealt really bad hands. As I said in a previous post, I am not going to attempt to go head to head on a tragedy contest with you. I am a very private person and very few know the life I have had and my tragedies. AND, I do not pretend to know yours. It is NOT a contest of who has had the worst life experiences.

There will always be someone much better off than you and also much worse. BUT, no matter where we may fall on the spectrum of suffering and bad hands in life, it matters more what we do with the hand we are dealt.

I am sorry for your suffering and have offered everything I can think of to try to assist you toward having hope and a better existence.

I am sorry if you do not like what I had to say in this post but I ask that you at least "think" about it. Please try not to read it with negativity. It is meant to be a positive message, a message of hope, a chance to think that there may be something to seeking self-worth and not being influenced by sources outside of yourself.

I want so much for you to have happiness and that IS within your capability.

Thank you for reading my post and I hope you will think about some of what I have expressed. It is from my heart.

and for these reasons i will not take my life
i walk in circles
wondering to myself
How great was his pain
when my father
dressed as he were off to church
i had left the home at that point
this is not easy to tell
parked his car around the home my parents bought
from that spot, location
he can clearly see the kitchen windows
as i have returned to the spot many times
and just stood there
and tried to imagine what he must have
been feeling
how inebriated was he
what did he ingest before
he took himself out
why was he reaching out for me
WHY DID HE DO IT
HOW COULD HE DO THIS
AND LEAVE US BEHIND
lucky we are
hum i wonder
that he did not take us out first
and then take himself out
why
did he
do it

as my children know the horrific story
they all too tried to kill themselves at least once
are we cursed
is our wiring so fudged up
we don't have a chance
depression
prevalent in my entire family

my son called me
bi-polar and has been on meds
for quite some time now
having switched jobs
doing the same
was assisted how to obtain his $800.00
for just one of the meds here in the USA
what a fudging shame
so we believe
the richest country in the world
and he has no chance of help for
medicines to keep him safe
first to himself
and then to others
MENTAL HEALTH
SOOOOOOOOOO MISUNDERSTOOD
a doctor today to be there FOR the
patient first
taking an oath
to the nurses out there
who nursed me while in this way
i want to say thank you
for honoring your position
they are the true healers
i do not trust doctors
i have experienced so much
in my lifetime in hospitals
and doctors offices
to see what works

i cry e v e r y s i n g l e
morning in my pain and depression
pain is just so great my mind says
there is only one way to rid of this all
a n d i c a n ' t
i LOVE my family that much
i will go through whatever
comes my way
yet i would be a lie to say
i don't think about ending "it"
evil will have prevailed

i love my family
i love my dog
i don't want them to
wonder like i do

like Jesus Christ
i shall carry my own cross

i get you
i truly do
love
me

your mindfulness
no price could match
the care you show
it is in sharing
and true to thyself
and situation at hand
we are human
and your humanitarian instinct
at its best
we need each other
and need to be open to responses
bottom line
we must give everything our all
and the rest will follow
with the strength of this community
love
me

Grief process
 

I am in the starting place of grieving my losses. I am asking for your patience. You may have been on this road for a long time. I am just starting. I have to tell you I do not believe there is happiness when you are told I am in the pain for the rest of my life. You have a new normal. I have just started. I worked in an ER I know what docs think of pain patients when they have come in as a frequent flyer looking for more medication. My experience is that we laughed and made fun of those patients. We avoided them like the plaque. We would sedate them with morphine just to get them to shut up. Sorry but this has been my experience in the ER. You all may be different but before coming here my knowledge was of above. I have asked several docs for pain medicine and I am refused. Just go home and live with it is what I am told. I can't get a referral to a pain doc because they want to handle it. My insurance requires referrals. I even called several pain docs who told me they don't treat my kind of pain. Maybe this explains better instead I am having a pity party.

Ok question
 

I have been on almost every forum and keep reading all of the different people and their pain problems. Do all of you think it is a good idea to do that? I thought it would be educational but now I am not so sure.

thank you for being honest
you confirm much of the stigma
that comes along with chronic pain
i worked the EMS Division of my town
and i concur how insensitive and immature
and inexperienced young ones are
they were kept in line when i was on the job
never to hear EDP or d-k
drove me nuts
as a recovering alcoholic
with much concern
love
me

what ever makes YOU comfortable
love
me

English Dave
 

I admire you.

dancing lady
 

first let me say I am sorry if what I said seemed to be judgmental I truly did not mean it to be it is just that suicide is a very hard thing for me my son at 18 took his life and my oldest son has tried a number of times so I know how it feels to loose someone in that way once again I am sorry if I upset you in any way :grouphug:

Hugs
 

Dear Katmae,

I am so sorry about your loss. I really don't know what to say but I can not imagine the pain you must have experienced and carry in your heart.

I do hope that your message to Dancing Lady will enlighten her.

:hug:

Your post brings tears to my eyes.

Dear katmae,

As with Eva, no-one knows the pain as you do.

I am sorry for your loss and the stress of the attempts.

Dave.

thank you
 

Dear Dave
thank you I don't post much and talk about it even less as it is very hard for me to do so I was just wanting to show dancing lady that what she is thinking about does have a ripple affect on everyone that cares about her, thank you once again for your kind words and thoughts :grouphug:

I am sorry for your loss and your ongoing struggle to keep your other son alive. All I can say is from a person who wishes she was dead. Sometimes life is just too hard for us and this is the only way. Your son may have come to that conclusion. Just know he is now in a better place for him. Yes some people say suicide is selfish but like me I have no in person people to be worried about after my death. I know all of you are here supporting me on cyberspace but when I am going thru all of the painful tests there is no one there to drive to hold my hand to give me a hug to give me a shoulder to cry on. I lay in bed by myself and cry my eyes out. I have a pillow for comfort not a person. Never had and never will. So my suicide may be selfish but I am all I have.

dancing lady
 

I will no longer be posting here to you as I see you feel that know one care about you and all these post to you have proved that they do care you simply do not wish to see or hear that people do care and this is now making me very upset and mad so I will just say I wish you all the best and good bye :grouphug:

I understand cyber caring. I am upset about real life caring. Two different ways that are not connected.

My sweet dear soul
You are me
I understand
I really really
Understand
Cry to me
Lean on me
Cry with me
Till it just stops
Because this cookie
is amazed at the tears I have she'd
in my life time
Could be an ocean
I get you
You cannot do it
If you had nobody that
you are responsible for
even then I said
I will not abandon my children
Their father not in their life
And Christ walk his cross
To the end
I am holding onto you
Don't let go
Don't let go of me
Love
Me

Please stay
We need you
I need you
Please don't go
Love
Me

Dancinglady,

What would you have us say in response to your Posts? You know most of us do not agree with your stance on suicide ideation as a perceived solution to a potential endpoint and will Post to try to make you see positives. This cannot change, it is altruistic Human Nature to protect another.

Would you rather we say nothing, leaving you calling plaintively into the Ether? That would be cruel.

These Forums are skewed in the direction of those who are seriously suffering and seeking help and support, along with the kind hearted who stick around and give advice even after they find a balance, or relief.

As you have visited the Forums you must have noticed countless past Members who have no further need for the services and support provided. One can extrapolate that many, many of these former Members are now leading happy, balanced, productive lives with their conditions under control.

There are countless Groups, Social Groups, Church Groups covering every topic and hobby where one can find appropriate company and friendship in the Real World. While you are still active is the time to take advantage of these services.

You are in the early stages of a condition that can be controlled by meds and your own actions. I firmly believe you need to be open about your current state with a Psychologist to work through this.

Forgive me for asking this - and do not answer if you do not want to - but, in your current position, do you now regret the attitude of yourself and your former colleagues in ER to pain patients, in laughing at them?

Dave.

not going
 

eva I am not leaving the group I just will not be talking to dancing lady any more she has made up her mind to what she wants and that is something I can not handle I will look for the rest of you in your post not this one is all :grouphug:

I believe it is supporting one another. Many look at us and say well "you look so good"; that's the end of story. Not many care to hear our complaining or really want to listen to our pain stories.

Here; we are free to say how we feel; what we feel. There is compassion, caring, loving people here. Our families, friends (those who are still around), just don't want to deal with the downers we might unintentionally pass around.

There are ideas, treatments, passed on to one another. Many have helped one another with their suggestions. Our goal is supporting one another; hoping to learn ways to accept and still find joy in living despite our physical or emotional pain. Supporting suicide is not one of them.

Not sure what type of education you were expecting.


Gerry

Being selfish is part of our human nature. Those who are encouraging you to live are being selfish also even if they don't realize it. They are selfish because they believe their views to be the right ones. This is natural and we all do it. But ultimately no one knows for sure what is right or what is wrong, we only have our selfish beliefs on the matter. And it's especially selfish IMO when we decide what is in the best interests of another.

IMO again, compassion, empathy, love is allowing others to make their own decisions and loving and supporting them even if their decision is not a decision we would choose for ourselves. Recognizing that we do not know how they feel and we do not know what is in their best interest.

I hope you find physical and emotional relief in whatever way you decide is best. I can give you my opinion but in the end I support your right as a free and separate individual to choose your own course in life and I expect you to do the same for me. :hug:

No one walks in anyone's shoes but the person. No one eles know's anyone's total pain and circumstances.

I had thoughts of trying to leave this life earlier this year and whatever I did the thoughts have passed. I surely don't feel great but good enough NOW and don't have thoughts of leaving.

My sister, on the other hand deals with advanced MS and her husband takes total care of her..she is the cheerleader type who wants to live on and wants others to live no matter...She and I don't think alike.

I have a nice friend who ended her life at 58 or so with help from her doctor...she had kidney failure with 3rd rejection and could not go on living on dylasis. She could not endure it anymore....she had a husband but it didn't change what she did. I understand her. Think of her often.. She is no longer in pain.

Years ago I was attending a women's group and one week talked to a sweet woman exchanging thoughts on thyroid issues. The next group meeting, we were informed Ann left this place. I didn't get to know her except for the struggle we both were having with getting thyroid help.

Anyway, my thoughts. I'm pro choice on everything. C

EVERYONE with questions PLEASE READ this response.

How do you know they did not take my way. When they left here they may have left the earth. I think what I want is to be heard concerning my new way of life not be talked in or out of anything. Just be heard that I am new and new Is Extremely hard since I have already had a horrible life. I do not need another condition to come to terms with. I had a horrible abusive childhood that I had to come to terms with and I am exhausted trying to deal with one more and wondering why I get another one. Like I said this is not the first and may just be the start of many others. I would think after what I have been through life would leave me alone NOT dump more crap for me to deal with in this life!!!!! I professionally was a counselor. I know first hand their limitations. Aren't you the one that said that you were abandoned by one after your cancer DX. I was not one of them that was laughing even though the frequent flyers I saw were having adult sized temper tantrums - throwing medical equipment getting on the floor kicking beating and screaming. They looked like a circus act. Made the rest of us look like fools and that is what the medical professionals see and then put us all in that same boat.

Totally confused
 

I am totally confused. Confused about your desires in posting on NT. Confused about what you are seeking. Confused about your frame of mind. Confused by your posts and responses to our posts.

I feel as some other posters, that my attempts to help just fall on deaf ears.

I have no idea of how to help or support you when I can't figure out what you are seeking.

Why are you here????

Are you seeking answers and information about your neuropathy?

Are you looking for someone to say, go ahead end it, we agree with you?

Are you looking for hope that you are NOT doomed to unrelenting pain the rest of your life?

Are you looking for someone to give you hope that your future is not as bleak as you imagine?

Are you looking for someone to comfort you?

You seem dead set (forgive the pun) to seek assistance to end your life so nothing we can say will comfort you. You do not seem receptive to the idea that things might get better in your life.

You say that the cyber caring is not good enough. You want REAL human contact and caring. We can NOT provide that. We ARE in cyber space as you say.

So, again, I am totally confused as to why you are here. I don't know what we can possibly do for you. I don't know how to support you.

Icelander has talked about your freedom to choose. I agree that YOU are in control of your destiny. And I mean that in the full sense of it. You can control your destiny in life as well as control if and when to die before your time has come.

You have received posts supporting you on ALL fronts. With your neuropathy. With your obvious depression. With your end of life choice.

What DO you want from us?

Like I said, I am confused.

I have empathy for you and the life situation you have expressed. It is very tough to feel so all alone. You are not the ONLY person in that type of situation.

Maybe I should shut up here but I have one more comment that may not be appropriate but I feel compelled to say it.

I do NOT think you are in the proper state of mind to make a life or death decision. While I agree, it is your decision, I think one must be psychologically sound to make it and I do not think you are in that state of mind.

Until I know what you seek from me and other members, I don't know what else to say. We have already responded to all the questions I posed.

Thank you Icelander I appreciate your support and comments. I would never come on here and push my thoughts, opinions and beliefs on anyone. It is for each individual to decide what is right for them.

Icelander,

Being selfish is a part of human nature? WRONG. This Forum, and others, would not exist, Charities, Aid, Government even Civilisation would not exist if that were the human norm. We, as a species, have been shown to be naturally altruistic.

When someone comes here, broadcasting to the World, that they are in pain, physically and emotionally, it is NATURAL to offer support and aid. To tell the World has to be seen as a cry for help. Otherwise, one slinks away quietly and the outcome, no matter what you believe, is too tragic for words.

Everyone has their beliefs, but if you think that this, or any Forum, is filled with selfish people then you have clearly missed the point by a Country Mile. Have you, personally, not received a single shred of benefit by being a Member here?

I have read your Posts on this matter and what you have said about your personal circumstances and understand where you may get your opinion from - much as anyone can understand another. But, for no Religious reason, simply from personal experience I truly believe EVERY life is worthwhile and should be lived to the fullest. There are too many who never get that chance for others to treat the Gift so lightly.

Dave.

Dave
I read your profile. In my opinion you have been through H*LL on earth. I can't even know how you have made it this far. Then I read your post and am so shocked. Live life to the fullest. Every life is worthwhile. In your case and don't take this the wrong way but it looks like you are making the medical professionals and pharmecuticaks very wealthy. Your history would scare the strongest person out here. I am so sorry you have had to endure this life. I take my hat off to you. For you to still have the same attitude is remarkable almost to the point of martyr.

Thank you
 

I just realized there were 67 posts to my thread and wanted to say thank you. We may not agree so we have to agree to disagree but just wanted all of you to know I appreciate the cyber caring.

We heard you -- now what ???
 

We HAVE heard you. We listened. We offered support.

Yes, you may have been dealt a VERY bad hand in life. You are not the first nor the last to get bad cards. I really do hear and feel your emotional agony.

Traveling your road ALONE as you have stated is EXTREMELY difficult. Again, you are not the first nor the last in that situation.

Your posts have a tone of attack and resentment toward the members here that HAVE heard you and offered support and help. We ARE in a computer screen and NOT able to go with you to doctors, hold your hand, be there during the lonely painful nights. We ARE limited in what support we can provide and you seem to reject it at every corner.

Someone once told me, "In order to have a friend, you have to BE a friend."

In the REAL world as you say, why don't you have someone in your corner? Have you pushed everyone away? What would YOU do for someone that walked in your shoes if you were trying to be their friend and be supportive?

I know you don't want any questions so I can't give you any answers.

We will LISTEN and you will be HEARD, but I really don't know how we can be of any assistance when you rebuke everyone here that has offered support.

hi
 

Dear hope
I agree with you but I do feel I know what dancing lady is looking for and that is something I can and will not do, she wants us to tell her that she is right and to do what she has been wanting to do this is to take the guilt away from herself and put it on someone else

I think it is time to close this thread for a while.
There is some frustration showing and the topic is starting to go in circles.
We don't want hurtful things said to each other out of that frustration..

Thank you.