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A mind of its own
To wonder as I do every single day
Are or rather is my family doing well To wonder if your children are happy To wonder if they still blame me and God for their unhappiness Not something I can stop my brain from wondering What my children are exhibiting are many symptoms of the MTHFR MUTATION wonder why my son stopped his meds Bi-polar from me Me And to let them know and not do anything about it Is then on them How much more can I do I told them I am the one for certain can and till now those tested are positive So many things going on under this particular umbrella Labeled MTHFR MUTATION WONDER what Eva's mother has to say about her knowing she is positive and addict so many of her symptoms answered and just got off the phone with trying to express what her sister is wondering when I told her Wonder about this you have occipital lobe epilepsy Chances you are positive And ponder on this Your doctor should wonder real seriously about finding out if she to is positive And not God Wonder what my youngest is doing If she is wondering about us and how much I miss her and wish she would change and come back home My child's father knows about her getting high Wonder what he is thinking He told me his opinion about my parenting Only she is worse off in the current situation So many lies that are being shared And hurting each other doing it Do they not wonder Something is REALLY wrong So wondered Rather then help them see the Unappreciative response and behavior my children put upon me in their thirties now And still blame me Now because it isn't recognized I ask the question "What haven't I done for all of you guy's" Silence Not a thing to speak of But to wonder if my youngest is still in the hospital And not call me Or my children not call me Isn't okay They will never know a mothers worry And she nor my son are parents I am gifted from my third child Wondering when she too will take care of herself She is returning back to waitressing And not pursue her phlebotomist license This I cannot stop wondering about Or to use her culinary degree Wondering Left here sad Wondering Wondering if Heavenly Father touch my sister She helped me so much She loves me My baby sister Wondering Me |
l wonder why I can't just talk on this pad like I do on my phone
I wonder if Eva knows that I thought about her on Mothers day said a quiet prayer that her children would show her a little love. I wonder that I have galloping poison ivy :o I wonder what the realtor will tell us tomorrow about selling this old house now that she has researched it for a week. I wonder about the tragic suicide death of our daughter friend and the heartbreaking honesty in her obituary. :( . l wonder if I can leave hugs for the room |
I wonder if Eva knows if she is in my thoughts :hug:
I wonder if Alffe's poison ivy will get better soon? :hug: I wonder if Alffe knows how sad I feel for her friends' loss, while still feeling conflicted about hearing there was "heartbreaking honesty" in the obituary :hug::hug::hug: |
I wonder about all this stinkin, rainy, flooding, tornadic weather we have been having. makes it very triggering. sigh.... Friday will be the one year anniv of my younger brothers drowning.
i wonder if it is ok to admit the "dark side" has sure been calling my name the past couple months. wondering if i can leave a hug for our room :hug: |
Goofy
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It certainly is a trigger Wonder if I could tell you I am right there with you However You and I breath for a reason I wonder what it is I need to still have to experience For the dark side is close Wonder if the light could shine for us Wonder if we could find the sun inside us how differently we would feel Trigger the weather has been hurtful Barometer killing everything Goofy Wonder if I could mention how awesome this place is Not able to understand why I am going through the stuff at hand I just don't understand it Yet I trust it will reveal a sunny day And a happy smile in our heart and soul We are important You are important We a have a purpose Thank you for sharing I feel horrible simply from how the weather is this morning I will push through the day May your heart feel the sun Love Me |
I wonder if Goofy knows it takes strength to admit that the "dark side" has been calling and a lot of self-awareness to recognize our own triggers :hug:
I wonder if everyone effected by the harsh weather lately knows I am thinking of them, and hope that they, their loved ones, and their property are safe :hug: |
I Have Wandered
Oh yes, I have wandered
Filled with wonder Driven by overwhelming issues Of family And of work And of life Yet I have wondered how my friends here have fared Praying in wonder that calls from the dark will go unfollowed Wondering how all have been through Mother's Day and myriad graduation Wondering at life which launches anew for many who have achieved degrees Wondering at creeping Poison Ivy? Oh....itch! Wondering at changes in life, and praying for the best Wondering why we endured the blaring sun for so long from the skylight in our bedroom!!!! Oh, the blissful restfulness of a Saturday morning sleeping in because we inexpensively jammed foam in that blasted skylight thus darkening our room......YAY! Wondering that it took me so long to return here among you...... |
I made a bond
Wonder if I could hold on for just a bit longer
as I am withering slowly and it s.u.c.k.s So much energy is taken out of me in my day Wonder how much longer it will be this hard Wonder if we could get lucky enough to hit the numbers and there be some financial relief Wonder how it will be as time goes on it is a small income I am working with It is so difficult to not wonder how it got like this How did it all get like this Wonder if My desires will fade People are not in my life It to by choice There is no true relationship I can speak of that doesn't require approval from And this I do not need I look to Heavenly Father and ask for true sincere love in return Not a hard thing for me to do Yet for strangers to judge and pull one down for ones own selfish reasons not what I look for Wonder if my father is the one who suffered with the mutation and it be the base host of all his problems I still wonder about him Just this weekend Me and my sister were talking about the day She tells me Her then grammer school teacher she seen many years later told her how she heard the shot early in the morning of April 8th thinking it was her veteran father with his guns Wonder how many others heard the shot He was found in the second car white station wagon Around the corner from the house What was he feeling How sad must he have been To endure sadness like mine Makes me wonder |
I wonder if we will survive europe
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I wonder if she knows that it is good to try relate to her father's feelings before his suicide attempt as long as she's not relating too much :hug::hug::hug: Stay safe. You are loved. :hug::hug::hug: Kay |
The group of wonder persons
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Comforting they are Nice to see you around And a comfort to so many Know you are recognized and are a treasure in many ways Constant And it is here I get to meet persons like yourself I came here hoping to find others who had the same medical problems I had and it turn out to become a live journal of my experience strength and hope I have come to meet some very very special friends No understanding of the wifi world Just come on here and get my medicine for the day With empowering words It has become a place I hope to help by my own experience If it be just one person I can comfort and can help are rewards I get in return And get to wonder about it all Unconditional bonds May you be filled with joy However you can get it I at times get it here You are that example Thank you for caring Love Me |
I wonder why
What is the lesson
Why do I have to wonder What if this time they will succeed Wonder what will it take if there is anymore to go through to "get it" Wondering why I am totally **** on the moment things seem okay for my grandchild mother who is still in the hospital and talk fresh to me calling off the hook and picking up every call upset with me because of something her and her sister are going through Wondering why is this happening again Rather then concentrate in what just happened a couple of days ago Wonder how much does she want to throw my way when she doesn't get her way Wonder why she gives me grief when she can't see she made it the way it is And only she can change it Wondering why she can't see that Why am I used as an enabler Wonder why is she pushing me to not wanting to pick up the phone because I will be sad hearing her with the same excuses She has been through soooooo much Put herself through so much Looking for love in the wrong places I can never fill her void Just be there Wonder if my body is full of toxins How much more can it take I need to be here for her daughter Wondering what it will be like for Eva in September and starting school Wondering what that's going to be like all over again we go Do I have it We shall see We shall see Wondering isn't helping And I cannot stop but to wonder I can't even hear what on when in such deep thought How much more Heavenly Father I won't give up Is that my test To see if ill give up I will not take my last breath into my hands That is for my Father to decide Wonder if I could leave a huge hugs for anyone who needs one right from the heart Love Me |
Questions
Wonder if its just to late and things have settled
How much longer before Eva decides I don't want to leave the home she has only known What will happen then Wondering why she cannot take it one day One moment at a time One situation at a time What is it that she must go through I fear So much pain already Her trial and error Closer and closer to one another I want so badly to pick up the phone Is she wondering what happened for it to be as it is Does she even get it My child who lives with me Who is in fear to explore the outside world Like the real stuff Not hanging out stuff But work School Driving school Her health (doctors who she needs to see) Just to mention some of my wonders Wonder if she ever sees the light Rater then the darkness It doesn't have to be like that Darkness Replaced with the light that still shines within them Wonder if it can be doable and in your face love What will happen with my grandchild Does she not wonder about this I wonder |
What are they wondering
To a wonder-full day with my entire family
If he could be would have had us all We sat at the table all ready to eat Wondering how this was going to go down It was awesome Wonder why my child did not want to spend the time with her child Wondered why our dog submitted to everyone there A full house of my family My babies Wonder if they felt as good as I Wonder how much time our family pet has I spent the entire day with him in my arms His heart calm while in my arms Wonder if we can do it again They have grown And wanted to be in my company Wonder if they know I love them ever so much And it never stops When I think about it all Heavenly Father you know my heart and brain All the wondering a mother does Like my granddaughter said to me while taking her nighttime bath And said to me "Mimmas job is never done Right mimma" Mimma does wonder all the time Thank you Heavenly Father And to my dead father Wonder if your soul can see the love of a mother for her children Your grandchildren and great grandchild Can you feel us We were a family |
I wonder if Eva knows how happy I am for her, for that day?
I wonder if Eva knows I will pray for more happy moments in life like that for her, and her family… :hug::hug::hug: |
I wonder why I have to sign in every time I come here even though I click remember me
I wonder what has happened to compassion I wonder how I hate it when I'm watching the refugees waiting for supplies getting bombed and the next thing that comes in or people in the United States standing in line to get the new iphone that just came out I wonder if eva knows how happy her last post made me and I need to remember that there is hope in this world I wonder if I can leave hugs for the room |
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and happiness fill your hearts thank you for the kind words wonder if you all know how much empowerment i get here love me |
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and to say i love you clap when we are happy love me |
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I wonder if you know how wise I think you are to be able to put things into this kind of perspective :hug: |
Getting back on the horse
Every single morning
Upon stirring My mind already wondering Wondering do I have what it takes to be that person want to be and not let others spoil it I wonder how that would feel today for a change Eva half day at school Corissa riddled with dirty laundry Took her to school Just came home going back to bed I do not agree she should have any burdens put upon her because she knows what would happen if I and her did not take on the job I just couldn't imagine And my child does not see how she is hindering her sisters life and her trials It isn't easy when I want to explain When she says or rather asks "Mom, how did you do it" And I said "What are you talking about, I'm still doing it Only this time I need help" Yeah How did I do it Oh my God That how Wonder what will it take I won't let go I have to stay strong in it ALL Thank you for your guidance WONDERING what it would be like to just have a good day wouldn't that be nice Me |
I wonder if Eva knows I wish she could have a good day, too.
I wonder if Eva knows that that good day may be just around the corner :hug: |
Wondering if I should just stop
End of the road
One day at a time Wondering how many more days It just comes and goes Wonder how much more In your arms I lie Wondering how blessed I am Done Me |
A time to say goodbye and thank you
My time never to be forgotten
I hope the connections made Are never ending Thank you Me |
I'm wondering what Eva means?
I'm wondering if she knows she is loved? |
Forever a wonder
It all is in Heavenly Fathers hands
I have done all I can And wonder why it is so hard for this family The only thing I had for his life was awesome Are his ashes To love And be loved in return To have a place in this world I'm lost Forever wondering why |
sending you virtual hugs xxx:hug::hug:
QUOTE=eva5667faliure;1227859]It all is in Heavenly Fathers hands I have done all I can And wonder why it is so hard for this family The only thing I had for his life was awesome Are his ashes To love And be loved in return To have a place in this world I'm lost Forever wondering why[/QUOTE] |
I'm glad that you find comfort in your faith in God, Eva :hug::hug::hug:
I wish I could make life easier for you :hug::hug::hug: |
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I'm pooped I just want you to understand How very much you and some very awesome persons who are real and speak about real issues Mental illness Always falls at the waist side I am living it And am not heard by the PROFESSIONALS Money Money Money Root of all evil May you feel my love Eva |
It's important to have a good PCP because he/she is your team leader and main point of contact. It's harder to find specialists with good bedside manners.
Your PCP and mental health professionals should be approachable and be sensitive and responsive to your needs. I know that it's hard to find good providers, but if you aren't getting the care you need, it's time for change :hug::hug::hug: I'm sorry you're so discouraged :hug::hug::hug: |
I wonder if anyone else is so relieved to see a holiday over?
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I wonder....:wink:
I wonder where does time go...So much to do. I wonder why it has taken since last September to pull myself away from everyone and everything. I wonder when I will be able to put my heart out there again. I at wonder how amazingly wonderful my wonder thread friends are!:hug: |
I find myself wondering
What could he possibly been going through and he just couldn't find his way to Heavenly Father
Wonder if he was feeling anything like I do with the pain o live with every single day Some days much better than others To hold my head up is a job My hands and feet my back my throat oh dear Father only you know what I feel I wonder if he was angry at himself God his wife us I was suppose to have been the apple of his eye What eye Wondering how is it after all he has taken from me as a little girl Lately I have begun to forgive him I come from a highly psychological distorted idea of what a family was suppose to be like for these young kids well my mother a teenager my father 9 years her senior Was he wondering how superficial the woman we call our mother was and couldn't do anything about it as she I was and has mastered enabling the people around her Wonder if he suspected she was cheating on him with her now live in ex husband She knew she hook a man who she could manipulate Wondering how I know this I was pulled into picking who I wanted to go with I was only six or seven Taken into the forbidden living room Fire engine red wall to wall rug The 70's look Wondered how money was what most of the fights were about She loved and lived to spend Very much like my grandchilds mother who spent most of her time growing up and going to the mall every weekend My father long killed himself His bed still warm and bring in her lover and son Was he frustrated to the point of no return You see in my culture A Hungarian Will find Suicide is the ultimate hurt It is understood that that act was specifically done to hurt and blame Of the note left behind confirms Wonder what he took with him He has what he's taken from me Something my mother turned her head the other way to And after I came out with it in a fight catching my mothers now husband leering at my eldest in that disgusting way that rushed all them feelings back She denied everything until my middle sister yells out it happened to me too Wonder if I could express this must have been weighing on me in a very heavy way Affecting my everyday life To get up and wonder OMG if it hurts this badly now What's gonna happen in another 10 years should Heavenly Father still have me breath Will I be able to care for myself Wonder if my grown brats can see how strong in faith their mom is and that nothing will ever sever that growing knowledge that comes along if one steps out of ines way and let Heavenly Father drive It is already determined what I must go through And put it into play how would my Heavenly Father want me to handle this all What else is on the wonder train Wonder what it's going to take for my grown children As they still behave like children The one thing that still means the world to me They look for each other And as against the back drop being alcohol After my son is released from the psychiatric ward Cause that's how he withdrew fr a drug he injects himself with And does not think how very worried I am THAT HE WANTS TO HANDLE IT HIS WAY Just one of the few things I wonder about Finally wondering if after representing myself with the above problematic tenant above me "She filed a complaint of harassment on me having to call the police to my home over the past year Being separated from sleep as I have recordings The report filed by a police officer on my behalf The incriminating note at my door My mail tampered with As three days ago my daughter was exiting the apartment taking my granddaughter to school and a slew of mail at the foot of my door that wasn't there as of the day before 6:00 P.M. The garbage was taken out Wondering who and why didn't seven pieces of mail not make it to my mail box In this bundle was the summons of harassment was among them And because is said I needed to be in court at 9:00 A.M. That morning was tampered with On the 17th of April I went to office as instructed to do so Never calling the police or yelled out to her to knock it off Wondering what are the chances she file a report on said date and she had no clue about anything Wondering how the office manager Roslyn who is the acting director picked up on the date filed when returing with a new date to come in the mail Strange Tampering of my mail Wondering if standing in the truth with all my evidence that clearly shows the harassment me and my family live with Can't afford a lawyer I could have one appointed to me from the court Yet I have faith that the truth will show I am the one who did not want it to get to where it is All I wanted was for her to stop The office will give me all correspondences to her for me to have for court I pray and know if I was to present all I have it would speak for itself Why I ask myself Did Heavenly Father prepare me to handle this as I had 10 years experience coming from the building I came from What was he feeling What was he thinking April 8th his anniversary 36 years He's dead for 36 years And I wonder what it would be like to have him around today Would he have mellowed What kink of a grandfather would he have been like I have so much I think about As things get harder and harder The lessons The decisions I have to make for the sake of me Nobody really stops to thinks "She is forever changed" "She is in pain" Not really So I'll keep wondering To those who find themselves wondering how it could have been isn't such a bad thing Like I said I never thought I had it in me to forgive me Now what do I do with a living parent who want me in her life with conditions Why Why does she need to hide me Never gonna happen Wonder if others are free from wondering It's been 36 years And here I am still wondering Extending my love to all A special wish to those whose memories aren't difunctional or haunting I have to remind myself to just stay in the day and finish it to the best of my ability Me |
Great advice for all of us, "stay in the day and finish it""
Hugs! |
36 years is a long time, but some wounds never fully heal. I'm so sorry for all your pain, Eva :hug::hug::hug:
I hope that you are vindicated in court and the problems stop with your neighbor. That's a lot of stress you don't need :hug: Thinking of you today :hug::hug::hug: |
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Especially now With return happiness my wish to you And all to experience Happiness it comes in many beautiful forms Me |
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