NeuroTalk Support Groups - Wonder Thread 294

What could he possibly been going through and he just couldn't find his way to Heavenly Father
Wonder if he was feeling anything like I do with the pain o live with every single day
Some days much better than others
To hold my head up is a job
My hands and feet my back my throat oh dear Father only you know what I feel
I wonder if he was angry at himself God his wife us I was suppose to have been the apple of his eye
What eye
Wondering how is it after all he has taken from me as a little girl
Lately I have begun to forgive him
I come from a highly psychological distorted idea of what a family was suppose to be like for these young kids well my mother a teenager my father 9 years her senior
Was he wondering how superficial the woman we call our mother
was and couldn't do anything about it as she I was and has mastered enabling the people around her
Wonder if he suspected she was cheating on him with her now live in ex husband
She knew she hook a man who she could manipulate
Wondering how I know this
I was pulled into picking who I wanted to go with
I was only six or seven
Taken into the forbidden living room
Fire engine red wall to wall rug
The 70's look
Wondered how money was what most of the fights were about
She loved and lived to spend
Very much like my grandchilds mother who spent most of her time growing up and going to the mall every weekend
My father long killed himself
His bed still warm and bring in her lover and son
Was he frustrated to the point of no return

You see in my culture
A Hungarian
Will find
Suicide is the ultimate hurt
It is understood that that act was specifically done to hurt and blame
Of the note left behind confirms
Wonder what he took with him
He has what he's taken from me
Something my mother turned her head the other way to
And after I came out with it in a fight catching my mothers now husband leering at my eldest in that disgusting way that rushed all them feelings back
She denied everything until my middle sister yells out it happened to me too
Wonder if I could express this must have been weighing on me in a very heavy way
Affecting my everyday life
To get up and wonder OMG
if it hurts this badly now
What's gonna happen in another 10 years should Heavenly Father still have me breath
Will I be able to care for myself
Wonder if my grown brats can see how strong in faith their mom is and that nothing will ever sever that growing knowledge that comes along if one steps out of ines way and let Heavenly Father drive
It is already determined what I must go through
And put it into play how would my Heavenly Father want me to handle this all
What else is on the wonder train
Wonder what it's going to take for my grown children
As they still behave like children
The one thing that still means the world to me
They look for each other
And as against the back drop being alcohol
After my son is released from the psychiatric ward
Cause that's how he withdrew fr a drug he injects himself with
And does not think how very worried I am
THAT HE WANTS TO HANDLE IT HIS WAY
Just one of the few things I wonder about
Finally wondering if after representing myself with the above problematic tenant above me
"She filed a complaint of harassment on me having to call the police to my home over the past year
Being separated from sleep as I have recordings
The report filed by a police officer on my behalf
The incriminating note at my door
My mail tampered with
As three days ago my daughter was exiting the apartment taking my granddaughter to school and a slew of mail at the foot of my door that wasn't there as of the day before 6:00 P.M. The garbage was taken out
Wondering who and why didn't seven pieces of mail not make it to my mail box
In this bundle was the summons of harassment was among them
And because is said I needed to be in court at 9:00 A.M. That morning was tampered with
On the 17th of April I went to office as instructed to do so
Never calling the police or yelled out to her to knock it off
Wondering what are the chances she file a report on said date and she had no clue about anything
Wondering how the office manager Roslyn who is the acting director picked up on the date filed when returing with a new date to come in the mail
Strange
Tampering of my mail
Wondering if standing in the truth with all my evidence that clearly shows the harassment me and my family live with
Can't afford a lawyer
I could have one appointed to me from the court
Yet I have faith that the truth will show I am the one who did not want it to get to where it is
All I wanted was for her to stop
The office will give me all correspondences to her for me to have for court
I pray and know if I was to present all I have it would speak for itself
Why I ask myself
Did Heavenly Father prepare me to handle this as I had 10 years experience coming from the building I came from
What was he feeling
What was he thinking
April 8th his anniversary 36 years
He's dead for 36 years
And I wonder what it would be like to have him around today
Would he have mellowed
What kink of a grandfather would he have been like
I have so much I think about
As things get harder and harder
The lessons
The decisions I have to make for the sake of me
Nobody really stops to thinks
"She is forever changed"
"She is in pain"
Not really
So I'll keep wondering
To those who find themselves wondering how it could have been isn't such a bad thing
Like I said I never thought I had it in me to forgive me
Now what do I do with a living parent who want me in her life with conditions
Why
Why does she need to hide me
Never gonna happen
Wonder if others are free from wondering
It's been 36 years
And here I am still wondering
Extending my love to all
A special wish to those whose memories aren't difunctional
or haunting
I have to remind myself to just stay in the day and finish it to the best of my ability
Me