Thank you Bizi (((HUGS))) Right back at ya.

Kay I think you have a handle on your roller coaster ride. Have you read Kay Jamisons books, An Unquiet Mind and Night Falls Fast. They are both excellent books, funny and powerful. :hug:

Thank You Alffe.
I have a handle on things to a certain degree. I've put in a lot of hard work this year to stay safe and use all the tools I can to manage my MH problems, but it hasn't been a bed of roses.
I haven't read the books you mentioned. I used to be an avid reader, but it's become very difficult for me because of the MS.

The imagery returned yesterday despite the medication increase. This time it's presenting more as intrusive thoughts rather than PTSD. I can't let this go- I'm going to make an appointment with my psych NP.

Hello OhKay

I have bipolar and understand the PTSD symptoms you describe. My PTSD was described for other events prior to bipolar diagnosis, but they were one in the same in truth.

Alcohol use/abuse another commonality. I call it self medicating, some call it something else.

Ruminating over past events of suicide attempts, done that for last 25 years.....

Counselling tried that...not me I,m afraid..... I want to move forward not back.

CBT and NLP..... ...extremely helpful at putting thoughts in their place....and Google....controling your inner chimp.
This is a great way of self controlling your darkets thoughts.

Having worked with homeless people for over twenty years .....you cannot change or stop anyone from an addictive nature...they have to decide that for them self.....therefore your husbands choices are his.......

You have the choice to accept his life choices and behaviour or not.........(not easy at all, and with bipolar even harder..as the stress is the biggest killer with this awful affliction)

You are like me..in that when its bad you hold your hands up, and head off for help.....continue this life saving ethos...

Get some relaxation or positive thinking CDs.....play them repeatedly.....it does get in your head and over time does strengthen resolve....limiting episodes....


Stay strong dear lady......you're doing a grand job so far


Kind regards
David

Thank you so much for your post, David. I'm so sorry for your years of struggle. :hug:

It is comforting to hear from someone who can relate to the issues I'm facing, and has found ways to cope.

I also had a pre-existing diagnosis of PTSD. Many in the psychiatric community recognize that anxiety disorders and bipolar disorder overlap. You'd be hard pressed to find someone with bipolar disorder who hasn't suffered from an anxiety disorder at some point.

Sometimes I have a hard time distinguishing hypomanic symptoms from GAD. It became a problem during a long period of mania/hypomania when I was managing my meds with am prns (as needed). I always treated my anxiety first, but I tended to under-medicate the hypomania because the milder symptoms can feel so similar to lingering anxiety, and I was afraid of over-medicating. Now I know sedation is worth the risk.

Unfortunately, I'm hypomanic again. My last episode took months to shut down. Today my pdoc and I came up with a med plan based on what worked to eventually end the last episode. The med plan should also help with the intrusive thoughts. I hope I don't find myself struggling through a long episode again.

Like you, I want to move forward in life. As I do, I tend to lock doors as I go. I'm not the best therapy patient. I have never heard of NLP, but I know that my therapist uses CBT and other methods of treatment. I will have to ask her about it when I see her on the 22nd.
I'll also be googling "controlling your inner chimp." It sounds interesting lol.

So far my sobriety hasn't caused a great divide in my marriage. I understand that the decision to keep drinking or quit is my husband's alone, just as the decision to remain sober is my own. Whatever happens, I refuse to subscribe to the "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em" mentality to keep my marriage together. I choose life.

Thank you again for your thoughtful post David.

Kay

p.s. I also want to say thank you for your work with the homeless. I can imagine it can be very challenging at times. You must be a very kind and patient person. The world needs more people like you. :hug:

David,

I googled "Controlling your inner chimp." It was very interesting! I could benefit from counting to ten from time to time in an effort to help tame mine.

I have MS. During my hospital stays, my psychiatrist was fascinated by the relationship between emotional lability (sudden emotional displays d/t MS or another brain injury) and what could be considered an inability to control my inner chimp. He came to the conclusion that they co-exist.

My neurologist is of the mind that the medical community has a tendency to blame everything on MS (I agree), and my symptoms are likely due to bipolar disorder. However, I do have a large lesion in my frontal lobe.

Interesting point: About 10% of patients with MS also have bipolar disorder.

It was a year ago today that I tried to take my own life. I was psychotic, but I remember everything about it. It's still difficult for me to look at the physical scars sometimes, and the psychological scars are infinitely worse.

I saw my therapist yesterday. I started putting things together and once I started talking I was all anger...

Over the last 8yrs or so when I wasn't hypomanic, I was zombified on a ton of meds. I was simply not functioning. I had s/s thoughts everyday. As my bipolar disorder became more unstable, I started drinking more heavily, and became an alcoholic. My marriage and other relationships suffered- That's the short story.

I was diagnosed as Bipolar II. Despite plenty of warning signs, that diagnosis was never re-evaluated. It wasn't until after my suicide attempt that I was finally diagnosed as Bipolar I.

I'm angry because of the years I lost. I'm left wondering what my life would have been like if I was correctly diagnosed and treated sometime in the last, oh, 20yrs... and if I would have ever tried to commit suicide if I was...?

I'm angry at myself. I didn't return to my NP after I had to stop taking lithium. I'm the one who chose to stay off my meds and not seek help when I knew I was symptomatic and still had enough control to ask for it. I have to live with the chaos I created in my own life over the four months of alcohol fueled mania before my s/s attempt because of those decisions. And I couldn't handle the chaos that others contributed...

I inflicted terrible pain on my husband. I think he suffers more from my actions than I do because I can ask for help now, and he never will.

I'm angry that I'm bipolar. I know that it's a disorder I'll have to struggle with for the rest of my life, and I know that my prognosis isn't good.
The most confusing part of my suicide attempt to me is that I wasn't overtly depressed- I was manic. Even though I was psychotic, I planned it, I was methodical, and it seemed like the logical thing to do at the time. How do you explain a disconnect like that?

This year has been HELL for me. It's tough to fight your way back to sanity, and learn how to live with something like this...

But I've had my victories. I've reconciled with my husband, become very proactive in my care, learned how to take back some control of my life, and I've been sober since July 20th.

I'm still working through things, and probably always will be to some extent, but I try to view my suicide attempt as a second chance. My life is both better and worse because of it. I value my life, and will do everything I can to keep it safe now.

I haven't been having any panic attacks from the PTSD recently- that's great news! :)

I am still having some intrusive thoughts, although they're less frequent now. And my anxiety has been very high, so I've been experiencing some catastrophic thinking. I've been taking advantage of my klonopin, so that has been easier to control.

My episode of hypomania was short-lived, and I'm happy to say that the small increase of 50mg of seroquel was all it took to squash it this time :)

Things aren't perfect, but I'm hanging in there and my meds are coming through for me.

Kay I admire your courage to look at your life and learn. You have worked hard this past 5 months to make things better. YOU DO have more control and are working hard to stay sane. You have a great/wonderful pdoc in your corner. That is so important. IT seems your tdoc is there for you as well, if you reach out to her.
This will be a year of change for the good for you. You will get your drivers license back this year I believe. You have made such progress.
My heart wishes for you a fabulous year of self care and nurturing.
lots of love
bizi

Thank you Bizi, you are always so supportive :hug::hug::hug:

This years resolutions are a continuation of what I've already been focusing on: maintaining my sobriety and remaining proactive in my mental health care this year. I've done a 180 over the course of this year. At some point in 2016 I should have my license back.