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Old 12-07-2015, 11:21 AM #1
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Trig Does anyone else have PTSD from s/s attempt?

I have posted here before, months ago.

I'm bipolar I and I tried to commit s/s 12/23 last year after a 4mo period of mania. A lot was going on in my life, and I was psychotic at the time.

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**the following content below may possibly be triggering for some members.**







I swallowed 2 kinds of prescription pills I knew would disrupt my heart rhythm (nursing background), cut my wrists and throat in front of a mirror before I was stopped. I'm alive because I was too vain too wear my glasses and the fire/police/ambulance station were 2min away.

This last year has been hell. I've been hospitalized twice, have suffered terrible side effects of multiple meds, and have been hypomanic or manic for 8mo out of this year. I have fought back and my bipolar is stable now because I quit drinking and have been in very close contact with my psych doc.

But I've struggled on and off with violent imagery related to my s/s attempt since it happened. Sometimes it triggers panic attacks. But it's always extremely disturbing and makes me feel physically ill.
These thoughts usually coincide with me fixating on my neck and it has the same result.
I don't feel s/s when these things happen, but they contributed to my last manic episode.
My psych doc says it's PTSD.
I was wondering if anyone else has experienced this type of thing themselves?


The meds I've been on had been doing a good job of controlling this, but recently these images have been breaking through. An increase helped for a couple of days, and I'll be increasing again.

My OCD is not under control and I'm also having intrusive thoughts again.

I'm afraid I'm going to find myself in the psych ward for a 3rd time this year.

Kay

Last edited by Jomar; 12-07-2015 at 06:37 PM. Reason: added spacing
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Old 12-07-2015, 05:15 PM #2
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I'm sorry you are having to go through this Kay. Does your psych have any suggestions besides pills to help you? I would imagine this time of year would be very difficult for you and could be very triggering.

I can't help you as I've never attempted myself but admire you for talking about it.
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Old 12-08-2015, 02:03 PM #3
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My pdoc suggested seeing my therapist more frequently, and I agree...

I saw my therapist last week and she recommended seeing her every 1-2 weeks. The problem is that the next available appointment was Christmas Eve. Even her breaks are booked. This is always a problem. I can keep calling, hoping I can catch an earlier appointment because of a cancellation.

Before my s/s attempt, I was having a lot of problems with my family. I was very ill, but was pretty much pushed over the edge (it's a VERY long story). My husband hates most of my family. I asked him not to go on tirades about any of them because it only gets me going and brings up bad memories. He agreed, but hasn't kept his promise. I'm left trying to redirect him.

Thankfully, the medication increase I made today is helping with the violent imagery and intrusive thoughts I hope it continues to do so

I am very vigilant as far as monitoring my psych symptoms and have started documenting since the imagery and intrusive thoughts have reemerged- this includes responses to meds.

I keep in very close contact with my pdoc, and have seen her weekly and bi-weekly at times for months. I have no problem raising my hand and asking for help... even if that means a return trip to the hospital.
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Old 12-08-2015, 05:22 PM #4
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It sounds like you are getting excellent care Kay. I hope your husband can get his act together.
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Old 12-09-2015, 08:29 AM #5
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Thank you Alffe
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Old 12-14-2015, 11:33 AM #6
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I've been under a lot of stress lately...

The imagery and intrusive thoughts I mentioned were triggered because my father confided in me last month that he was contemplating s/s. His personal finances are in ruins and his business, which is a large part of his identity, is in jeopardy. I know what a risk that presents. Thankfully, he has since gotten help, but the worries are still there. He has to continue to want to get better and he has to remain compliant. Antidepressants can take time and a lot of tweaking.

I have MS, but am dealing with 2 other health concerns. I have to wait for testing in early January and March before I'll have more answers. The waiting is difficult.

Prior to my s/s attempt I got a DUI and have been without my license for almost a year. The process of getting it back has been a never ending source of anxiety. I now need to go to an evaluation and have substance abuse counseling before I can make any further attempt to get my license back.
The counseling could take weeks to months, the cost of the evaluation and counseling services are going to be very expensive, and my husband and I aren't exactly flush.

I was sober for 3mo following my s/s attempt and only drank a beer or two every month after that until I had to stop taking Lithium again because of another bout of toxicity. A med change led to agitated mania- HELL ON EARTH. I drank 4 beers the first night to try to slow down and get some sleep. But the next morning I realized how dangerous drinking was, and I couldn't afford to lose control. So I put a sign on the fridge in big bold red letters reading "NO MORE BEER." I was in control enough to lock myself out of my apartment and call 911 when the s/s thoughts hit. I spent 11 days in the hospital. I have no doubt I would be dead if I had kept drinking. I've been sober since Jul 20th.

I probably could have gotten out of the DUI if I hired a lawyer, but instead I plead guilty and accepted responsibility. The DUI itself is not my issue...

Thinking about the substance abuse counseling naturally has me thinking about why I stopped drinking in the first place... I'm an alcoholic and I need to be able to recognize the subtler signs of a bipolar episode early so I can get treatment before my life is in danger again.
But memories surrounding my s/s attempt are surfacing because of all this. I was sober when I did it, but I was manic and mostly drunk for the 4mo preceding it. The events leading up to it were messy. I was very ill, but I was also pushed.

I've been pretty good at redirecting myself when I've been stressed out lately, but sometimes it takes time. And I'm trying very hard not to indulge myself in these thoughts. The substance abuse evaluation isn't until January, so I'm hoping I can put it to the back of my mind soon so it doesn't continue to bring up these memories and trigger an episode.

My therapy appointment was Christmas Eve. Because of a cancellation it was moved up to the 22nd. That's the best I can get. I'm going to have to look into getting a new therapist. How can they tell you you need to be seen every week, or every other week, then not have anything available until a month later?
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Old 12-14-2015, 12:39 PM #7
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Do they give you a hot line or phone numbers that you can call in between times and while waiting for the appt?

If not ask for some of those , so you can call and talk when ever you need to.
Hopefully there are some 24/7 numbers available.
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Old 12-14-2015, 12:45 PM #8
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Hang in there waiting for the Therapy appt, it is only 8 days away now - endless as they may seem. At least after that you should be on a scheduled appt routine.

Your choice of not drinking, and your commitment to it for the benefit of your health issues is commendible. I had to stop myself drinking due to using it to mask my mental health problems, along with the ridiculous amount I would consume daily with no physical effect. That was over 25 years ago now and I never went back after Day 1. Now I have a near hatred of alcohol and the smell makes me nauseated. The longer you go, the easier it becomes, until it ends up no longer being an issue.

Dave.
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Old 12-14-2015, 01:42 PM #9
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Jo*mar, I'm not suicidal. If I have any new psych symptoms, I'll call my psych NP immediately and I can get right in to see her, or get an emergency appointment with someone else. It does not take long for me to escalate to mania. If I become s/s it's important for me to get to the ER because of my history- it's not something that can wait. It's just the therapy appointment I'm waiting for. To be honest, I hate therapy. But I know that it's in my best interests to go. Their office doesn't have a 24/7 line for therapy. I doubt I'd reach out to a stranger because things are so complicated anyway.

Dave, congratulations on your 25yrs!
I was pretty much already dry when that episode of agitated mania hit. So that gave me a much better appreciation for that reason why I drank. I remember having mixed episodes like that, but they never escalated to that point, probably because I was drinking to self-medicate. I already knew of many other reasons... euphoria, depression, stress, relaxing social anxiety, etc.
I was able to quit drinking during the absolutely worst 5 days of my life. If I made it through that, I figure I can make it through anything. After I left the hospital I was still hypomanic, and at times manic, for months and still didn't drink even though those kind of episodes triggered my drinking in the past. Despite my alcoholism is, I've found it pretty damn easy to quit up to this point. I guess I just needed the right reason. Having my bipolar disorder stabilized definitely helps, too. I do like the taste of beer and have an O'Douls from time to time though.

My husband is a severe alcoholic. You might think that that would put me at risk... but it has the opposite effect. It worries me, makes me sad, and sometimes disgusts me. He knows he's an alcoholic, but has no desire to stop or cut back. I don't harp on him to quit, but I don't let him get away with crap excuses either, such as he doesn't feel well so he should take vitamins when it's really the heavy drinking making him feel like ****. No matter how much I'd like him to stop, I have to do what's right for me and can't worry about carrying him on my back- as cold as that may sound.

Kay
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Old 12-15-2015, 02:33 AM #10
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