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07-13-2016, 07:46 AM | #1 | |||
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Elder
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Dear Eva,
I know that you still carry a lot of guilt because you abused alcohol when your children were young, and because addiction runs in families because of learned behavior and genetics… Both of my parents were alcoholics, but I want you to know that that was not a factor in my suicide attempt (although my father's behavior at the time was). I do not blame my parents' alcoholism at all for my suicide attempt. Some people are predisposed to be addicts, but ultimately we are responsible for our own behavior. In my case, the main reason I attempted s/s was because of mental illness. Please try your best not to blame yourself. You are right: There is an overwhelming need for more and better mental healthcare, as well as treatment for addiction in this country. Unfortunately, individuals need to seek treatment themselves- whatever resources are out there, unless they are committed because they are a threat to themselves or others, or are arrested and required to undergo drug treatment. It is a hard thing to learn how to love oneself. Certainly, not everyone gets there. We do the best we can, and hopefully reach out for help when we need it. If we can't do that, hopefully others will reach out to us, and we can accept the help that is offered. Since your daughter's s/s attempt, you seem to be reliving your father's suicide and remembering his abuse, and your mother's denial. You must be going through an immensely difficult time because of that… I can't imagine how hard this must be for you. If you are currently seeing any mental health professionals I urge you to reach out to them now. Take advantage of any services that a social worker may offer or suggest to you. I am so sorry that you had such a terrible experience with the hospital staff, and that the delay of information about your daughter's condition caused you more distress. You are right in that some people should not be nurses or working elsewhere in the medical profession. I came to the same conclusion working in hospitals myself. I'm glad that you have the strength to be there for your daughter. She needs you now. You are a good mother, Eva. Just keep loving her, and that will help you both get through this. I'll pray for the strength for you both to get through this |
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07-13-2016, 08:02 AM | #2 | |||
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Grand Magnate
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Quote:
It has been quite some time that I have had thoughts about my father and his suicide attempt When I was a young teenager Sixteen I tried to starve myself to death I wrote briefly about it I remember my sister trying to get me to eat bottled pickles my parents made from the basement My young life has very little happy memories Under the age if five While still living in South Africa Watching my father beat and rape my mother Many beatings I got one so bad and was dragged up more then ten steps and my foot couldn't grab a step Many time my mother turned her head when my father would act up It was a volatile relationship I married for all the wrong reasons divorced very young twenty four with my then three babies Never to be that involved with anybody As I seen and had enough and did not want anybody involved in our lives I still to this day have only come across one man who gets me and can be honest how men are really are much of it their make up however a happy childhood I am sure would have been a better place Understanding loving parents It was not something my mother wanted My father wanted to have children Only to have a punching bag And got off watching his children myself and my middle sister naked Never got to my youngest sister Threatened with guns and horrible stuff Not the point I never trusted anybody to be worthy enough to have me or my children I tried to protect them from some horrible things I do not blame myself Have gone through many therapist To my phycotheripist I just fired after seven years with hi Biweekly Not worth going into I trust my gut It NEVER failed me Always being honest with my babies Always Secrets are not necessarily a good thing You get what I mean I don't believe in them They are lies Just hidden I wanted not for anybody to hurt my babies And then there was me I became a alcoholic went out of control for about ten years The last five of them is when I lost my privileges There is a huge history about addiction and depression in my family and culture I am a Hungarian My father Klee himself Left a note To the end called us all whores A racist Hitler follower I the black sheep Hated my father Then my children see me become that monster I mentally screwed them up I hit them when I was angry with them And they were my babies I asked them to forgive me for my terrible ways when I was that drunk I love them to death They all know that I entered AA in 1990 and took it seriously in 1992 My children bright and gifted had me for their mom and I tried to apoligize and found they used that to blame me for their addictions I know about all the reasons on can become a addict with whatever drug drink,food,cleaning,hoarding,reading,social media,sex and the list goes on Whenever it interferes with ones life where they are consumed with it ITS A PROBLEM I understood this before becoming a teenager A rebel Someone who kept it honest and real and my father hated that My mother was all about herself On the outside we were that perfect well groomed family My mother loved money My fathe worked like a horse This is what defined him A animal hunter Sportsman Wanted boys Had three girls My mother aborted the fourth baby her first child with anothe husband died within a few weeks I tried to protect my sisters Turns out when confronting my mother in a drunken state She didn't believe what I was telling her in front of her leering new husbands eyes on my then young Saraeve All hell broke loose Yes there are many many many things that happened But I made it Through it all leaving at seventeen and never looking back I am still alive and here Trying to get it right Keeping it always real I am not afraid of the truth However bad it might be for others I choose to keep it real at a very early age A rebel In my fathers face I would be When I didn't peel a potato correctly For him that meant you should be able to see through the peel There isn't a day when I touch a potato I don't have horrible memories I'm okay today Worked through very hard things The most important To be the best mother and grand mother I can be They mean everything to me I was blessed Because I wanted to be a mommy a really good mommy But I hurt them without seeing it Blessed today to be living a sober life My choice of drug is ALCOHOL My daughter has many things she needs to work through She was three months old when I split with their father And was an absent one at that Just fixed on harassing me for the next ten years after I divorced him He lost sight of his children when fixed on his sick obsession on me My life was in danger many times My kids remember some stuff And the weird thing is I did not want my kids to have a life lik I did We it was a tough road raising them and with the help of my Heavenly Father and those who were and are still there for me in AA Living a sober life was when things changed for the better Making amends the hardest thingi had to do For my children And now my children with their mom sober for most of their lives Make no mistake damage was done forever lasting by me They understand my soberiety gave me my life back as one should be living the simple principals that are freely offered It works if you work it It really works and is a beautiful thing to see one get sober I have children all dabbled with drugs and now drink and think it is t a problem I most certainly is They understood there is a predisposition already in them I taught them never to lie It is not the kind of person who lives happiness knowing they live a honest life making an honest living and pray the haven't any hangovers from their young life Thank you Heavenly Father for keeping them safe when in my care I am a vocal mom I talk and talk and keep the lines of commucation as open as possible They know there is only a limit to what I have to offer They are not doing very well in the mind altering ways Each their very own beautiful selves have problems I pray they work on and out of their lives I will never abandon them But I cannot be the one to make it happen I pray for all of us It is in the family big time And I'm trying to keep it together It is tough When I am the go to person for everything I need to back up and watch them handle life It is a tough life for us it wasn't our fault So many factors Predisposition Enveriomental The schools are in shambles Trying to get my old boss the mayor of the town I grew up in forty six years Trying to get her the best to offer her the new schools that just went up throughout the town Her mom still in the hospital Anyway This family has the work cut out for them And I will never give up on them And their minds need help There hearts in pain as they have that monkey on their backs You concerns right on point This is where I find I get the real stuff Not what my doctor would think Loved to try all the meds that put me in a very dark place And dismiss my real concerns Getting to a good place so I can live my life He kept me on for the bucks I wrote briefly about it He did not like me calling him on his game Yet it was the truth Need to power up the iPod Have more to add be back in a bit My daughter distraught over many things including not being able to be there for her child It has been a rocky road from the very beginning Seventh grade She is thirty Have had her to every kind of help private and others that could help She has been to a long term rehab to short term Went to every avenue and revisited them when I still had control Once she turned eighteen it was a different kind of problem I cannot even begin to start It never stops It has got to come from them They have to make it happen I have this place left in my life to come to when I have something going on and need to vent or feed back I have come to meet very special persons here I cannot do anything but hang on to hope It is the only thing I have left HOP AND A PRAYER That they will find their way There are so many things that has happened throught this life of mine And to watch your child crumble before you and know you cannot do anything about it Powerless over anybody period I wake as Heavenly Father has me wake And I give my very best I lean on my faith My fellowship And those who have been there Many are around for support You concerns and kindness taken to heart I hear what you are expressing Thank you for listening Bless you and ALL who care about me and my family Love Me
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someone who cares eva Last edited by eva5667faliure; 07-13-2016 at 10:54 AM. |
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07-13-2016, 08:11 AM | #3 | |||
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Young Senior Elder Member
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Eva you did the right thing in rushing to the hospital. We should always trust our instincts and you did just that ! I call that mama cat stuff . And the guilt that we feel regarding our children's activities also goes with the territory .
Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers . 💕
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"Thanks for this!" says: | bizi (07-13-2016), DMACK (07-13-2016), eva5667faliure (07-13-2016), OhKay (07-15-2016), PurpleFoot721 (08-28-2016) |
07-13-2016, 10:58 AM | #4 | |||
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Grand Magnate
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It was in my gut Thanks Love Me
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someone who cares eva |
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