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Old 06-09-2017, 06:07 PM   #31
eva5667faliure
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If I had the nerve I would do it
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Old 06-10-2017, 10:25 PM   #32
PamelaJune
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Ah and that's why we don't. Both our lives been touched by it, yours your father, mine my fiancι. We are stoic dear Eva. Hang on, gods plan is in place he knows what we do and why we do. It's why we endure.

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Originally Posted by eva5667faliure View Post
If I had the nerve I would do it
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Old 06-23-2017, 01:11 PM   #33
eva5667faliure
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Default I have one more child to raise

She's a gem
My granddaughter
To watch her come into this world
To see her grow up everyday
Be it the blessings she brings me
She is a gem
I cannot understand how sick my family is
To not see the innocent child who wants nothing more but her family
I am her only constant
And she is the youngest and she needs some kind of constant
And it be me
Blessed I sure am
My cross I will carry
Me
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Old 07-10-2017, 04:12 PM   #34
eva5667faliure
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Default And waiting

I have time for it not in my control
As this sadness is not in my control
It is all the time
Always there lurking
And I call upon Heavenly Father
And I still haven't got it
It's not going away
As hard as I try
It is utter disparity ashamed I am
As I still call for him
I don't have the nerve
And I won't do anything just wait
And wait and wait
I have a child that I will leave behind one day
I hope she remembers how hard I tried
I tried my best with the older ones
And I just don't care anymore
It's all I can do
And when it's over it's over
Just like that
It happens
Just like that
Carry it till it's my time
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Old 07-11-2017, 07:23 AM   #35
eva5667faliure
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My Mood: Waiting for my last breath
Default It seems to never end

Told they are just feelings
It will pass
Pass
I have been praying
That I be cal in the arms of Heavenly Father
That all is in his control
That he has our fingerprints before ever entering the world
How is it that I got to this point
How is it that I just want to give up and for it to just stop hurting
Everything hurts
Everything
I cannot stop my brain from thinking what it does
I pick up a book can't read as my mind is just stuck
Stuck in this dark abyss
Don't want to be here
Don't want it to control me
Did the therapist most my life
For the most part
No V8 moment
All things I already figured out at a very young age
Do I think about how sick this family is
Sure I do
Did anyone listen no
A family of riddled with addiction mental disease and a struggle trying to grow up
Easy
Not for this one
There isn't a time since the age of three
Yup I have memories at a very early age
I began one day describing to my mother in the 90's how I remember and told her in detail
What do you think it was
My father raping my mother
This a family of scrects
Oh on the outside a good well behaved hard working children
Respected by society
How many times did I go to school beaten on the morning
Hated to gay my long hair brushed
She was so brutish in her touch
To this day the thought of kissing my mother or touching her disgusts me
And it's not just me
Recently my middle sister struggling to put my only nephew through college
Her husband not my nephews father they divorced but stilllive together
But her husband
The man she fell in love with turned her on to herion
And now she's just coasting through her life
Crying
"It's not our fault"
"It's not our fault"
She is right
Then I look at the life I jumped into so young
A young mother of three
Divorced at at 25
And it managed to get harder and worse
As I look into things deeply
From the time I wanted to just die
Still living home
Asked for a answer
As I opened the book to get my answer to do it or not
I open up randomly and ask answer Father
And I open to psalm 6 verse 6 till the end was my first experience of getting a answer
And so I move on
A mother who let her husband my father hurt me and my middle sister needed to tell this woman who is our mother "Eva isn't making up stories"
It happened to me too
We are adults at this point
Married to her third husband
Who eyes leering at my oldest may she have been 8,9 or 10 caught him looking at her in that disgusting filthy way as she was ballet dancing
Well I couldn't hold back
Lots of turd hitting the fan
I knew that look
I knew that look at a single didget age
I have written of this over and over and over
And I just start to think it is over before it started
Wondered how my mother let it happen
I listen to her a few days ago
Yelling out don't leave me
Please don't leave me
I told her it's not in me to do it
I'll have to wait my time
To have a horrible relationship when we were younger
The things she told me as I was the built it babysitter / as I were her mommy became my responsibility yup my baby sister remembers all the things I have done for her it was easy for Liz to take off whenever she wanted to hang with her girlfriends this was my prototype
This the baby who was scheduled to be aborted
Never happened
And again abort another child at 36
She would lean on me and tried to explain it away
Well here I am still talking about it
I have a purpose
What that is who knows I just do my best
Bestowed with a family of my own made that decision
Saying to myself you can do this
Over and over again
And she calls me crying a few hours later crying
Please I need you here
I don't have the nerve to this world @ericbolling @divorced W/4 children and a deadbeat father all their lives Why no talk about $'s states could save rounding them up its valid
Calming her I'm not going anywhere I'm here for you
And then my family
They do not see it
Just making excuses excuses excuses
My youngest I have no clue where she is

And then I wake and my granddaughter takes it all away for the moments I just want to give up
Reminded I didn't pick up
And managed another day
Like it or not
I blocked everyone from contacting me
And it did not feel good
But that's what I did until it hits me out of nowhere
And deal with it
So much hurt
Not really what I wanted to get out but had to finish
So much hurt
So much not our fault
And I have to get my crap together
And figure out how am I going to handle this
My last chance to help raise my grandchild
I look for the butterfly
Still looking
Me
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Last edited by eva5667faliure; 07-11-2017 at 08:00 AM.
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Old 07-12-2017, 11:21 AM   #36
eva5667faliure
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Default I have so much stuff...

I have no control of
Horrible things
I can't even talk about
From my children
I don't know who they are anymore
And who they have become
Especially my youngest
Nineteen I had a job my OWN apartment
Took a leap into the world
Never looked back
Raised them the best I could
Forgot about myself as I worried some fool could do to them what my father did to me
Thought I was protecting them
Worked nights while they slept and my baby sister would sleep at my home and I would be home by 6:00 in the morning to get them ready for school
Not to miss me and this went on until I woke up one day feeling like I had a terrible stiff neck
As I continued and took my shower hoping it would help it did not
Made my way to work
It escalated to where I was rushed to to hospital
Crushed disk
Blown
X-ray revealed and all went down hill in every aspect one could imagine
Including the sexual violation upon me by a transporter and two nurses in my room
Then the cancer
And the botched job what is known as a double bubble
And my family who I needed as tiny as it is
We're nowhere to be found to date
Having failed second surgery to fix the first one took my life
And is failing as the days go by
Yet I still push
There is a child
My grandchild who needs me in every way
It would be so much easier with just a little help
And I am done asking
They all know
They were there to hear what the doctors had to say
What's left of my life is my own fault
They owe me nothing as I would do it all again if circumstances were the same
I do however expect them to respect and appreciate how far I went to help them go through life
Teaching them they are responsible for their own happiness
God to come first
All else will follow
And I am falling apart and have to not let my mind play on me
When I have only Heavenly Father to turn to
It is I who gets up and feeds her baths her teaches her loves and plays with her with all the pain that isn't seen by the naked eye
And my adult children know this
I do not look for sympathy
I'm not that person
I'm a do do do until done
Alone
Alone
I am tired
With a nut who lives above me and have had to go to court
Finally she will be moved
I would take children feet running back and forth over the sick behavior and I mean not well as this excites her to wake me in the early morning hours
As I cannot return back to sleep and I begin to go through withdrawals
Never never to take my medication when it begins but stick it out till 7:00 in the morning
My body is broken and needs rest when I retire
Taking it to the office and taking it to another level
New Jersey Housing Mortage Finance Agency made some waves as I have all the proof needed to show she's unstable may have been the ticket as this morning I got word they are moving her out a single woman lives alone as there are families cramped in a studio or a one bedroom with children will get the apartment
This makes me happy
For it is a very corrupt building
And I'll leave it at that
Never have I had to go through so much
Only Heavenly Father knows
Ashamed I am when I say I want to throw in the towel
But it is so difficult
I just have to trust my Fathet knows best
In him I give my trust
In him I will follow and carry my own cross and hope never to have the feeling of wanting to give up
Ashamed I am
In Jesus I trust
In God I believe
Amen
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Last edited by eva5667faliure; 07-12-2017 at 11:51 AM.
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Old 07-13-2017, 06:55 AM   #37
eva5667faliure
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Default Speaking to my youngest

Wanting to know everything that went on as a little girl
My son who can't keep from getting high
All brilliant in their own right
And I say if it took 56 years for me to want to throw on the towel over my children is nuts
My son to want to pick fights whenever crap hits the fan
"Mom I'm not as strong as you are"
This is the crap excuse that is used
Not let me take it by the hand and do what is suggested
Instead he asks his partner to call 911 if he is unresponsive
Tell his partner that his behavior is the tip of enabling
He tells me he would never go behind his back
Whatever that meant I have no clue blocking him asap
I have zero respect for my boy
What upset him was I said
"I will support you when you get on the wagon"
OMG
NOT GOO ENOUGH
He needed me to say
"I believe him"
I don't
Not when he tells me I got this I don't like the rooms
So I said to him
I will NOT BURY ANY OF MY CHILDREN
my granddaughters mother released from a rehab
Because she is a liability to the facility after a x-ray that showed two herniated discs in the cervical area and I forget the termanology another finding cystic in her spine vertical
Gets her meds picks up a bottle of barcadi and winds up in the hospital on the brink of death
My eldest
A request of pictures of my dog sent on my iPod that was fried lost the pictures she sent me on the day he passed
Her giving me lip and not to ask her to do such as it is a trigger
I was furious
FRUIOUS
TRIGGER
TRIGGER
I haven't picked up a drink with all the triggers thrown my way
OMG
WHATS WRONG WITH THAT
have come to learn she like the sauce
So everyone of my babies as smart as they are have no clue
One day at a time
Not to let their problems become mine
Ya see when I need someone to talk to I'm told I can't talk
Really
Yet I must be available as they tell me
"It's my job"
Really
I will not bury any of them
And I cannot understand why I keep thinking to myself he (my father had to have been really inebriated and on many pills confirmed as per autopsy"
When I talked myself into it
I had no nerve
And thought
The drink made it easier
I "HATE" pills
HATE A WORD I EVER SO RARELY USE AS IT IS SO POWERFUL
AND CAN SEE MYSELF DRINKING INTO A DEATH
But praying for it to pass is my blessing
My youngest stealing momey from her father as I learned as she hadn't been home since Sunday
And thinks she can return Monday as nothing is wrong
Having sex in a another parents house
As in the beginning she was interested in women
Yup two gay children
No hanging with a bisexual girl and has begun to have sex with a young man who has sickle cell trait as does my child
And I have no reason to worry or be in fear a child not be a statistic and she become pregnant
That child has a 1 in 3 chance of living a horrible life of pain and eventually die of the disease
And I have no reason to worry
The chance of death all around me
Save us all
Save us all
How did you leave us
Is always in the back of my mind
Wipe it from me Father
Amen
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Old Yesterday, 04:16 PM   #38
eva5667faliure
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Default She tried to kill herself again

Shot herself up with her insulin
So do I am fried
Just fried
It's an fed up day
Just way much for this human
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Old Yesterday, 04:41 PM   #39
Alffe
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I am so sorry Eva. Warm hugs
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