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Old 01-19-2017, 08:23 PM   #1
SamG11
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Default I'm back. Now just "occasional" suicidal thoughts.

Hello everyone,

For those who don't remember me, or don't know who I am, I am Sam and am now 16 years old. I had a thread called "suicidal thoughts always there in the back of my head"


It has now been 3 years since I hit my head and got a concussion. And to be honest, I feel the exact same. I STILL have depersonalization, and still when I look in the mirror I don't see myself. I am off all medications, (finally!) because they were doing more harm then good. All I take is fish oil and a few other vitamins and minerals. I just live my every day life pretending I have no symptoms, which seems to somehow work.


Instead of posting again on my old thread, I decided to make a new one, because my symptoms and life has changed. I guess you could say I'm back to normal on the outside. I go to school, get A's and B's, socialize, then come home do my homework and play videogames. It's a never ending cycle. But on the inside, I am empty. I wonder every single day why am I here? Where is God? And I just cannot physically wrap my brain around this world we live in.


I am just so numb. And occasional I consider ending it all, but I don't because it is a sin as it says in the bible. I love god, but I don't understand where he is right now, and how this all started, and what is the point? We go to school, to get a job, to get money, then retire and sit on a bench and watch the cars go by? There is NO point to life.


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Old 01-19-2017, 10:53 PM   #2
bizi
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The point is that we should love with all of our hearts and make ourselves happy as that is an inside job. No one can do that for us.
I am glad to hear that you are better.
Thank you for posting.
Do you attend church?
peace be with you.
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi
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This is harriet, my sweet baby girl.....
heavy sigh.....
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one day at a time....
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Old 01-20-2017, 09:42 AM   #3
eva5667faliure
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Originally Posted by SamG11 View Post
Hello everyone,

For those who don't remember me, or don't know who I am, I am Sam and am now 16 years old. I had a thread called "suicidal thoughts always there in the back of my head"


It has now been 3 years since I hit my head and got a concussion. And to be honest, I feel the exact same. I STILL have depersonalization, and still when I look in the mirror I don't see myself. I am off all medications, (finally!) because they were doing more harm then good. All I take is fish oil and a few other vitamins and minerals. I just live my every day life pretending I have no symptoms, which seems to somehow work.


Instead of posting again on my old thread, I decided to make a new one, because my symptoms and life has changed. I guess you could say I'm back to normal on the outside. I go to school, get A's and B's, socialize, then come home do my homework and play videogames. It's a never ending cycle. But on the inside, I am empty. I wonder every single day why am I here? Where is God? And I just cannot physically wrap my brain around this world we live in.


I am just so numb. And occasional I consider ending it all, but I don't because it is a sin as it says in the bible. I love god, but I don't understand where he is right now, and how this all started, and what is the point? We go to school, to get a job, to get money, then retire and sit on a bench and watch the cars go by? There is NO point to life.


i love you Sammy
you speak of Heavenly Father
a good thing
may you feel his arms wrapped around you
i'm soon to be 56 and still don't know why
but i have to believe
and i have experienced the Spirit
may You too get the goose bumps
be well young man
so proud of you
remember
you matter
love
me
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eva
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Old 01-20-2017, 07:44 PM   #4
SamG11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bizi View Post
The point is that we should love with all of our hearts and make ourselves happy as that is an inside job. No one can do that for us.
I am glad to hear that you are better.
Thank you for posting.
Do you attend church?
peace be with you.
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

Hey bizi,


I do attend church, and I always feel good after. However, I am still left with so many questions that I wish I could just ask the creator himself. How did this all happen? Why are innocent people being killed? What is the point of all this?


I also find it troubling that if you think of it, we are just a spec of dust in this universe. It is so large that we don't even matter, almost like we don't even exist. Which then leads me to my dark thoughts...
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Old 01-20-2017, 09:04 PM   #5
bizi
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This is why we get to create our lives....choose to do the things that we do. Make friends and work at relationships...people are what is important. relationship are what matter. Family and friends. These relationships make or break your life.
Work on them.
they are precious like you.
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi
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This is harriet, my sweet baby girl.....
heavy sigh.....
.



one day at a time....
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Old 01-21-2017, 07:04 AM   #6
eva5667faliure
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Originally Posted by SamG11 View Post
Hey bizi,


I do attend church, and I always feel good after. However, I am still left with so many questions that I wish I could just ask the creator himself. How did this all happen? Why are innocent people being killed? What is the point of all this?


I also find it troubling that if you think of it, we are just a spec of dust in this universe. It is so large that we don't even matter, almost like we don't even exist. Which then leads me to my dark thoughts...
Sammy
you know i'm a mommy to four children
they are in their three in their early thirties
my last soon to be nineteen
and this past year
we all as a family sat at the dining room table
so very proud of them with all the struggles they are going through
not tiny stuff
point
i looked at them all and then to my grandchild
and thought for a nano second
what did i do
i did this to them
and as quickly as i thought that
another thought came to mind
to thank Heavenly Father
allowing me to be trusted to raise my babies
i did my very best
this my Sammy has nothing to do with me
as they too find themselves in this vast place we call earth
to know we one by one
the sum of all
Bizi hit the nail on the head
you matter in every way
you may not think this right now
you MATTER in every way
your strength to have the courage
to express what you have already
to be articulate as you already exhibit
make no mistake
if i am moved by you
many others are too
your existence was not in your control you were
chosen
and if there is one person that gets you
and i do
know we have a purpose
you get to pick and choose who you allow into your world
only you know you
deep in truth
in your gut
listen to the words
God
grant me the Serenity
to Accept the thing i Cannot change
the Courage to change the things "I" Can
and the Wisdom to understand the Difference
this applies to all of us
absorb its hidden meaning
you become the best you want to be
and you are by far on your way

one thing Sammy
remember
crap happens
i too wonder
why do babies need to suffer
as i have seen when in the hospital with my babies
and then i thought
do the parents see the why us
as i have said many times
in the end
it is
ALWAYS to turn it over to Heavenly Father
and know he rules and has a purpose for every
single tiny spec that flies
we are the sum of all
brave you are on so many levels

one thing Sammy
it is a goo thing to go out of your comfort zone
what i mean by that
like music class
school newspaper
i wish i had someone who could have taken me under their wing
when i was your age
the scary thing is i left my home at 17
very abnormal home and parents
and i had no control over them or what was happening

with all i would like to say to you
i think i said enough

you are someone as tiny as you feel love you for who you are
always turn whatever situations you find
out of your control in his hand Heavenly Father
and know you did all you could
stay strong
school i pray you find some joy in
it will be over soon
and if you choose higher education
on your side Sammy
always
love
from the little girl inside that feels your pain
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Old 01-21-2017, 11:15 PM   #7
ger715
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Sam,
So many of us ask these questions. Most of us rely on faith in God. He will let us know all things when the time comes.

At difficult time in my life; I was told by someone very dear to stretch my hands out and "give it all to God". (That was over 20 years ago; I still do this every night.) He can handle whatever it is so much better. The hard part is our letting go. We ask His help; then most of the time, we take over because He just does not seem to be giving us the answer we want.

In the meantime, He has given us "free will" and "free choice". He is trying to prepare us. I'm glad to learn you do go to Church. Sometimes, it just feels good to sit there when almost no one is in the Church. There is a closeness that may help us to open ourselves to Him.

Sam, thank you for coming here and sharing.


Gerry
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Old 01-22-2017, 09:16 PM   #8
SamG11
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Unhappy

Quote:
Originally Posted by ger715 View Post
Sam,
So many of us ask these questions. Most of us rely on faith in God. He will let us know all things when the time comes.

At difficult time in my life; I was told by someone very dear to stretch my hands out and "give it all to God". (That was over 20 years ago; I still do this every night.) He can handle whatever it is so much better. The hard part is our letting go. We ask His help; then most of the time, we take over because He just does not seem to be giving us the answer we want.

In the meantime, He has given us "free will" and "free choice". He is trying to prepare us. I'm glad to learn you do go to Church. Sometimes, it just feels good to sit there when almost no one is in the Church. There is a closeness that may help us to open ourselves to Him.

Sam, thank you for coming here and sharing.


Gerry

Thank you, Gerry.


You mention he is trying to prepare us. What is he trying to prepare us for? Heaven?

My brain over thinks a lot of things... and makes stuff hard to understand.
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Old 01-23-2017, 07:23 AM   #9
OhKay
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Dear Sam,

I remember being more burdened by these kinds of questions at your age (I'm 36 now) because at that time I was truly starting to try to find my place in this world. My life was hard. It was very difficult to deal with the world inside and the world outside at once. I can sympathize with you, Sam

I hope that as you develop more and deeper connections to others and start to see a path for yourself in life that these questions will feel less pressing, that you will feel less emptiness. I know that will take time though

I'm glad that you have faith in God. Sometimes its hard to have faith in His plan, but please try

As a side note:
Did you discontinue your anti-seizure meds under the advice of your neurologist or another doctor?
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Old 01-24-2017, 07:31 PM   #10
SamG11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by OhKay View Post
Dear Sam,

I remember being more burdened by these kinds of questions at your age (I'm 36 now) because at that time I was truly starting to try to find my place in this world. My life was hard. It was very difficult to deal with the world inside and the world outside at once. I can sympathize with you, Sam

I hope that as you develop more and deeper connections to others and start to see a path for yourself in life that these questions will feel less pressing, that you will feel less emptiness. I know that will take time though

I'm glad that you have faith in God. Sometimes its hard to have faith in His plan, but please try

As a side note:
Did you discontinue your anti-seizure meds under the advice of your neurologist or another doctor?

Thanks Ohkay,

I discontinued under the advice of my neurologist. It wasn't hurting or benefiting me, it was doing nothing.


Never actually found out what was the cause of my depersonalization, I just still live with it.. I'm used to it now so it doesn't bother me too much.
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