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Old 10-21-2016, 08:20 AM   #11
OhKay
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"To believe I have a purpose
To believe I too matter
To believe I too can be happy
"

I'm glad to read these positive thoughts Eva. You do matter, and you are loved

I think you should print out your last post as a reindeer to yourself that you do have a purpose, you do matter, and you can (and have a right to) be happy
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Old 12-21-2016, 12:30 PM   #12
eva5667faliure
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Default Eighty four

He was young
47
Can't help but wonder
How badly was he feeling
To just do it
I tell my kids
If I have to fight this as they know me completely
No secrets
And have come together
How do I help my babies
Keep it real
No lies
Won't ever give up
Ever
I pray the pain disappear
Today my doctor will give me a injection in the back of my neck
It's been years
It was tempory relief
He tells me my nerve is being impinged and very angry and inflamed
Looking for some relief
Especially when at my daughter and hubby
The entire family together
Yeah hoping for relief
His birthday
Do many years ago
Gone
Me
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Old 12-23-2016, 08:39 AM   #13
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I don't know who you are talking about… it sounds like you are talking about someone committing s/s. I know your father did, was he 47 when he did?

Today is the anniversary of my s/s attempt. I was off my meds, manic, psychotic, and my life was in disarray, but I was also desperately hopeless. Why people try to commit suicide is often very complicated, and their loved ones are left in pain wondering why. I'm glad that I'm here today, and I'm so sorry that you were left behind with questions, Eva

I'm sorry about your neck. I had surgery at C5-6 in 2008 and it was a Godsend. I have problems above and below the fusion, but they're fairly mild. I hope your find some relief from the injection

I hope that you can enjoy having your family together
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Old 12-28-2016, 10:03 AM   #14
eva5667faliure
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Quote:
Originally Posted by OhKay View Post
I don't know who you are talking about… it sounds like you are talking about someone committing s/s. I know your father did, was he 47 when he did?

Today is the anniversary of my s/s attempt. I was off my meds, manic, psychotic, and my life was in disarray, but I was also desperately hopeless. Why people try to commit suicide is often very complicated, and their loved ones are left in pain wondering why. I'm glad that I'm here today, and I'm so sorry that you were left behind with questions, Eva

I'm sorry about your neck. I had surgery at C5-6 in 2008 and it was a Godsend. I have problems above and below the fusion, but they're fairly mild. I hope your find some relief from the injection

I hope that you can enjoy having your family together
yes he was forty seven
i have so many times asked myself
if the stressors are as loud as mine are
and i manage to still hang on is the baffling thing
a note was left
it is the load i think about
i carry my cross
and want to be around and fight the fight
i'm just hoping i can be that example to my family
it will take my family
my village of people to help me when i can't do fo myself anymore
i wake up and say this is not a way to live
and push through it
his birthday this month
he has been gone since 4/8/80
may he be resting
thanks for the well wishes
be well love me
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Old 12-31-2016, 09:01 AM   #15
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I'm sorry that you deal with so much

Thank you for the well wishes... I hope that you can have a good New Year's and a better 2017 is in the cards for you
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Old 02-03-2017, 08:32 AM   #16
eva5667faliure
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Default so as i go through my new scare

and a birthday gift to myself
happy birthday to me
five years almost to the month
as January 9, 2012 i had my double mastectomy
my mother nowhere to be found
what a terrible thing for that little girl inside
that's always wondering
what did i do
why
the woman who brings me to the world
and to recently tell my baby sister
she wasn't wanted by her
she was to be aborted
until my father intercepted the call from the hospital for the procedure
i am 9 years at this point
i already knew much
don't expect to hear from her
we three girls at one point in our life asked
what was it like the day you went into labor with me
she can't remember so she says
not much
leaving it at that
a father who checked out 47
leaving blame
is it me
i don't think so
at the top of my lungs
this morning i sang a Doris Day song
"Que Sera Sera"
and the Frankie baby
"i did it my way"
and it felt awesome
just awesome
i am only given what i can handle
parable or not
i have to believe in goodness
goodness
kindness
to get on the elevator
and a timid fragile woman in every way
taken aback when i said
good morning
having the courage to change the things i can
when she looked into my eyes i could see the smile in them
before she got off i said
one moment at a time
she said thanks
got off on the 7th floor
chances i will never see her again
where is the honor for truth
why are people afraid of the truth
or being caught doing something they are not allowed to do
yet knowingly ignore the rules
and try and hide it
not own up to it
suffer the consequences that come with knowing
YOU ARE BREAKING THE RULES, THE LAW, and you will be caught
and then lie through their teeth
swear up and down
they didn't do that
there was a time one said in video
that isn't me
my thought process believe it or not
of my granddaughter
the learned behavior i am dealing with
i am a sinner
we all are
but as i got older
this is what my assessment is
in my own experience
i am today trying to be the best i could be
it was a tough day yesterday
today is different
i wake and wonder
what is it going to be in the end
and that be the will of Heavenly Father
so i turn another year older
a little girl that still lives
is a bit wiser
and blessed by Heavenly Father
in Jesus Christ
Amen
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Old 02-06-2017, 09:49 AM   #17
OhKay
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Happy Birthday, Eva.

I know you've had a difficult life and that lots of things can trigger bad memories for you...

I'm sorry it was such a tough day

Love,
Kay
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Old 05-20-2017, 09:43 AM   #18
eva5667faliure
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Default Will it be in my lifetime

As they continue to reach out when they need me
And then it soon goes sour
Nobody is listening
I speak from experience
I couldn't do it alone or my way for that matter
And until this is understood
I have no control in any of it
Does that mean if I express to them I cannot continue or conversation on a subject I have experience in and work it
is where I have to step back and away
And it hurts each and every time
Will it ever happen in my time to see my family not be so angry at God and to take responsibility of their own behavior
To do something about
It is free
No necessary to share
Recommended to just listen
Just listen to the persons who are exactly where they are in their own lives
My nineteen year old is crushing me and a vicious cycle has begun
As the extreme attitude that emeniates form her
When just asking her to make her bed
And ignore me
Roll her eyes
I feel so used
Having to carry her as she still hasn't begun school like she says she wants to
Or get a job
Yup no work for two years
As her father gives her money for fun times
But she won't put any money on the laundry card
Or laundry detergent and softener
She likes that soft feel I provided
So used I am
I give gave till there isn't anymore to give
I do not have the capabilities to work anymore
She knows this and sees what's happening
Crushed I am
I have but my own capabilities
I got sick
And had no control over that
My hands and feet hurt so badly
They have a heartbeat of pain
I cannot make it stop
And this she cannot see
But I feel
And still am forced to do the dishes
I cry as only Heavenly Father knows
And I put my body into his hands
My mind heart and soul
And to take my last breath without resolve
Would be so sad
Hoping for a happy summer
We are members of the twin pool
Put into Heavenly Fathers hand and the office for the threat and disruption stop with the above tenant
Holding my breath
I am still needed
Me
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Old 05-22-2017, 08:53 PM   #19
ger715
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Eva,
Please let Corissa know I think of her often. She is so much more than she gives herself credit for. To settle for not taking advantage of school or even working or helping out is not who she really is.

I have said it in the past and Corissa knows I feel we are connected. I hope and pray she will take advantage of these years to form the person who will rise to knowing she did all she could; whether in business or whatever career she is willing to put the effort to do what is necessary. I believe in her.

Gerry
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Old 05-22-2017, 09:27 PM   #20
eva5667faliure
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ger715 View Post
Eva,
Please let Corissa know I think of her often. She is so much more than she gives herself credit for. To settle for not taking advantage of school or even working or helping out is not who she really is.

I have said it in the past and Corissa knows I feel we are connected. I hope and pray she will take advantage of these years to form the person who will rise to knowing she did all she could; whether in business or whatever career she is willing to put the effort to do what is necessary. I believe in her.

Gerry
Absolutely
Forever and always
Anxiously waiting on the sidelines
It is a difficult road in a difficult culture of kids
So difficult to find their way
Always in prayer
Absolutely done
Me
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