advertisement
Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 06-14-2017, 05:40 AM #481
eva5667faliure's Avatar
eva5667faliure eva5667faliure is offline
Grand Magnate
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: new jersey
Posts: 3,523
10 yr Member
eva5667faliure eva5667faliure is offline
Grand Magnate
eva5667faliure's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: new jersey
Posts: 3,523
10 yr Member
Default And she was sad and cried while in school

I had to write her again
Something I did not want to have done after already writing her
Cried all the way home together
I held her hand the entire ride home and let her cry it out
Angry
You bet
And then the phone rang
It was her
Yelled out to Eva to pick up the phone
As I picked up before answering machine would
Asked where she was
About 50 miles away at a Friends parents house
Yup
You would think the parents would have probed figured out a 19 year old not working not a graduate and the clothes on her back
Okay
Maybe not the kind of paranting I would do having some of Corissas run always
Had them contact their parents and return the next day
No I'm not okay
She will be graduating kindergarten
Putting on a show
Told the teacher I was giving up my ticket for mother and BFF (her titti Corissa)
I am so angry
I am that Eva all over again
Truly literally like Ground Hog Day
I broke inside hearing her cry it out
She cried so hard
And there was nothing I could do but let her
She hasn't really cried yet
Yeah the tears would well up her eyes
Just wanted to punch a wall
So angry
Today mad her her breakfast in the shape of a bear
She smiled and was happy
Hoping she will stay in that mood
Raining here
Gloomy
"Gloomy Sunday"
Me
__________________
someone who cares
eva
eva5667faliure is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:
ger715 (06-14-2017), PamelaJune (07-05-2017), RSD ME (06-14-2017)

advertisement
Old 06-23-2017, 01:04 PM #482
eva5667faliure's Avatar
eva5667faliure eva5667faliure is offline
Grand Magnate
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: new jersey
Posts: 3,523
10 yr Member
eva5667faliure eva5667faliure is offline
Grand Magnate
eva5667faliure's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: new jersey
Posts: 3,523
10 yr Member
Default I on a horrible...

Roller coaster ride
No stop surpressing emotions and tears
And this ride doesn't stop
I'm holding on for dear life
One day at a time
So broken
Me
__________________
someone who cares
eva
eva5667faliure is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:
PamelaJune (06-25-2017), RSD ME (06-30-2017)
Old 06-23-2017, 01:11 PM #483
eva5667faliure's Avatar
eva5667faliure eva5667faliure is offline
Grand Magnate
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: new jersey
Posts: 3,523
10 yr Member
eva5667faliure eva5667faliure is offline
Grand Magnate
eva5667faliure's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: new jersey
Posts: 3,523
10 yr Member
Default I have one more child to raise

She's a gem
My granddaughter
To watch her come into this world
To see her grow up everyday
Be it the blessings she brings me
She is a gem
I cannot understand how sick my family is
To not see the innocent child who wants nothing more but her family
I am her only constant
And she is the youngest and she needs some kind of constant
And it be me
Blessed I sure am
My cross I will carry
Me
__________________
someone who cares
eva
eva5667faliure is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:
ger715 (06-27-2017), PamelaJune (06-23-2017)
Old 06-25-2017, 07:06 AM #484
eva5667faliure's Avatar
eva5667faliure eva5667faliure is offline
Grand Magnate
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: new jersey
Posts: 3,523
10 yr Member
eva5667faliure eva5667faliure is offline
Grand Magnate
eva5667faliure's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: new jersey
Posts: 3,523
10 yr Member
Default All of them all at once want my

Attention
Heaven forbid I do not go to the shore with my so and partner
And my baby sister
Because my son wants to do things his way and doesn't know how not to bring up certain things at places that should be fun to be at
I wanted to avoid that
Never expressing this I decline
And OMG
All hell broke loose
The foul mouth utter disrespect
Shut him down
Broke his finger with some truth
Stopped real quickly
Having to remind him I can't take flight when I want to
And run away for a couple of days
I have a grandchild I am responsible for
And what was his excuse about being a uncle to his niece Eva
Nothing to say
That was the end of him picking a fight
He was someone I wasn't ready to hang with
Not now
Not till he gets clean
And I doesn't hurt any less having to say no
But getting better at it
And turn it over to Heavenly Father
Moving on
My eldest missing me
My granddaughter mother my third child in a fog
And my youngest still hasn't seen enough
Will be home today
Each of them having different personalities haveing to deal with them differently
Learning to walk away from some things
For the good of my health
I call my baby sister and asked what was said in any reference to me in anyway
Sure enough
She tells him I declined to come
Which now explains the rant of texting I got from him
Wasn't having it
Sometimes I feel as if I give attention to one the other gets upset
Childish behavior
And they try to pick fights with me
And I don't give them the chance
Foolish
Foolish
Me
__________________
someone who cares
eva
eva5667faliure is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:
PamelaJune (06-25-2017), RSD ME (06-30-2017)
Old 06-25-2017, 01:03 PM #485
eva5667faliure's Avatar
eva5667faliure eva5667faliure is offline
Grand Magnate
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: new jersey
Posts: 3,523
10 yr Member
eva5667faliure eva5667faliure is offline
Grand Magnate
eva5667faliure's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: new jersey
Posts: 3,523
10 yr Member
Default So this grandma has a kid cry...

At the pool
I couldn't believe it
She is balling crying after I settled all the stuff
And she doesn't want to go in the water
Who want yo see s child my granddaughter of all
And all because she misses her titti (Corissa)
Says she'll be home tonight
I am f no matter what I try to do I cannot tell her to stop
So we packed up came home and told her she could cry and the phone rings
Her titti
I'm beside myself
It felt horrible she couldn't put her out of her mind
And that's all I have to say about that
__________________
someone who cares
eva
eva5667faliure is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:
RSD ME (06-30-2017)
Old 06-29-2017, 08:10 AM #486
eva5667faliure's Avatar
eva5667faliure eva5667faliure is offline
Grand Magnate
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: new jersey
Posts: 3,523
10 yr Member
eva5667faliure eva5667faliure is offline
Grand Magnate
eva5667faliure's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: new jersey
Posts: 3,523
10 yr Member
Default A attempt again today

Hoping to go to the pool and get sun to touch this body
And she have fun in the water
Titti is home
Much work we have as a family
But we can make it happen
I will not give up
Hoping for a happy day for them as well as myself
We shall see

Another doctors appointment today
Having had to retire from my municipal job
Corruption on so many levels and was red flagged as I chose not to play dirty politics
And the lies that caused me hardship even more
Have lost my job and insurance
And with all the changes that is going on
I now have to wait next year for my pap
Even though it is passed on by my maternal grandmother
Means zippo nothing
How is this preventive health care
It's all a farce
Lies
Lies
Lies
I am left putting it into Heavenly Fathers hands
I will stand in the truth ALWAYS
And his protection PREVAILS
AMEN
__________________
someone who cares
eva
eva5667faliure is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:
PamelaJune (07-05-2017), RSD ME (06-30-2017)
Old 07-03-2017, 06:42 AM #487
eva5667faliure's Avatar
eva5667faliure eva5667faliure is offline
Grand Magnate
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: new jersey
Posts: 3,523
10 yr Member
eva5667faliure eva5667faliure is offline
Grand Magnate
eva5667faliure's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: new jersey
Posts: 3,523
10 yr Member
Default Will my child see how very hard...

It is watching her having to adapt if it hard for me I know what Eva is feeling
Last night she says I'm praying that titti comes home right now tonight
I deleted her from texting so she would have to call
And guess what
No call for two days
I called her 19 times representing how old she is
Then left her a message
How she can respond to anyone else asap
Cause I can't even have a few words with her without her responding to her dings and pings
What happened to the children my child's age
I have come to learn it isn't just me
And I'm not out there in the world like I was so I don't see it
I have a hilghly intelligent young woman who took the wrong road and hasn't found her way home
On a road to self destruction
So hard for me to watch and go through while having to tend to Eva a innocent child who doesn't want nothing more but a family to call her own
I cry so hard in secretly
And I could be across the room and holding back not letting a drop fall from my eyes
And she says
Mimma are those happy tears sad tears or because your body hurts
This bothers me
All I want is for her to be a happy child
Not sad
And miss her BFF

I'm hoping that we get to see fireworks being on the 19th floor
Her favorite holiday is this very somber time
To think of the men women animals that die are maimed for life for our freedom
Where is the patriotism in the country do we forget 911 in my back yard watching with our own eyes
Truly I'm my back yard
The sacrifices of all nations
Buildings of the meaning of what we once could refer to this country as a "MELTING POT"
What ever happened to that true term
Where is the pride that comes with becoming a citizen of this great country
And I look at my child the children of the world and am frightened what the future holds for them
It isn't just my child so I have learned with no relief
But with sadness
The country who cannot look up to our elders and learn what they have and feed our minds with free speech not fictional stories
The hate that is being emmited into society pushed into tolerance is not the wythis country workes
We don't like or do like there is a process call election vote the issue in or out
Not tolerated behavior such as my child
I have done all I could do as far as suggesting what opportunities are available still trying to get her to get her diploma
This coming from a gifted child herself
My baby sister reminded me
And says "Eva I don't remember our mother or father ever offer us a car if we learned how to drive"
She asks
"Do you ever remember anything like that"
"Nope" was my response
So no high school diploma
No interest in learning how to drive
Hey when dad fills the account for these unsafe UBERS and gives her spending money
$50.00 each time
Money the root of most of her problem
It's been four days she hasn't returned as she left to a poetry show with her sister and was to return home but went to her friends patents home
So back to what I was saying
I'm calling 19 times
Se responds
Can you please stop doing that you'll blow up my phone
And I'm eating with Michelle and her parents
I said
That's when you excuse that and say that's my mom I need to take this
No that never came to her mind
And thank God it an emergency
It's the sick part that's screwing things up for me
Good 70% of my life changed on a physical level

I am deeply saddened at this ongoing problem since I became sick and couldn't drive her to and from school and she has no siblings
I wondering what kind of bird that is easy maintaincesomething
I have to get her something
Sad
Sad
So so sad
I will try to did a project for us to do
__________________
someone who cares
eva
eva5667faliure is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:
PamelaJune (07-05-2017), RSD ME (07-03-2017)
Old 07-10-2017, 04:12 PM #488
eva5667faliure's Avatar
eva5667faliure eva5667faliure is offline
Grand Magnate
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: new jersey
Posts: 3,523
10 yr Member
eva5667faliure eva5667faliure is offline
Grand Magnate
eva5667faliure's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: new jersey
Posts: 3,523
10 yr Member
Default And waiting

I have time for it not in my control
As this sadness is not in my control
It is all the time
Always there lurking
And I call upon Heavenly Father
And I still haven't got it
It's not going away
As hard as I try
It is utter disparity ashamed I am
As I still call for him
I don't have the nerve
And I won't do anything just wait
And wait and wait
I have a child that I will leave behind one day
I hope she remembers how hard I tried
I tried my best with the older ones
And I just don't care anymore
It's all I can do
And when it's over it's over
Just like that
It happens
Just like that
Carry it till it's my time
__________________
someone who cares
eva
eva5667faliure is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:
PamelaJune (09-29-2017)
Old 07-10-2017, 04:18 PM #489
eva5667faliure's Avatar
eva5667faliure eva5667faliure is offline
Grand Magnate
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: new jersey
Posts: 3,523
10 yr Member
eva5667faliure eva5667faliure is offline
Grand Magnate
eva5667faliure's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: new jersey
Posts: 3,523
10 yr Member
Default My kids make me sick

It's not what I thought I would ever say
And I have many regrets
I have all of myself to them
And forgot about me
And look at how things turned out
Self centered turds
What did I do to myself
Why did I do this to myself
__________________
someone who cares
eva
eva5667faliure is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:
PamelaJune (07-18-2017), RSD ME (07-12-2017)
Old 07-11-2017, 07:23 AM #490
eva5667faliure's Avatar
eva5667faliure eva5667faliure is offline
Grand Magnate
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: new jersey
Posts: 3,523
10 yr Member
eva5667faliure eva5667faliure is offline
Grand Magnate
eva5667faliure's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: new jersey
Posts: 3,523
10 yr Member
Default It seems to never end

Told they are just feelings
It will pass
Pass
I have been praying
That I be cal in the arms of Heavenly Father
That all is in his control
That he has our fingerprints before ever entering the world
How is it that I got to this point
How is it that I just want to give up and for it to just stop hurting
Everything hurts
Everything
I cannot stop my brain from thinking what it does
I pick up a book can't read as my mind is just stuck
Stuck in this dark abyss
Don't want to be here
Don't want it to control me
Did the therapist most my life
For the most part
No V8 moment
All things I already figured out at a very young age
Do I think about how sick this family is
Sure I do
Did anyone listen no
A family of riddled with addiction mental disease and a struggle trying to grow up
Easy
Not for this one
There isn't a time since the age of three
Yup I have memories at a very early age
I began one day describing to my mother in the 90's how I remember and told her in detail
What do you think it was
My father raping my mother
This a family of scrects
Oh on the outside a good well behaved hard working children
Respected by society
How many times did I go to school beaten on the morning
Hated to gay my long hair brushed
She was so brutish in her touch
To this day the thought of kissing my mother or touching her disgusts me
And it's not just me
Recently my middle sister struggling to put my only nephew through college
Her husband not my nephews father they divorced but stilllive together
But her husband
The man she fell in love with turned her on to herion
And now she's just coasting through her life
Crying
"It's not our fault"
"It's not our fault"
She is right
Then I look at the life I jumped into so young
A young mother of three
Divorced at at 25
And it managed to get harder and worse
As I look into things deeply
From the time I wanted to just die
Still living home
Asked for a answer
As I opened the book to get my answer to do it or not
I open up randomly and ask answer Father
And I open to psalm 6 verse 6 till the end was my first experience of getting a answer
And so I move on
A mother who let her husband my father hurt me and my middle sister needed to tell this woman who is our mother "Eva isn't making up stories"
It happened to me too
We are adults at this point
Married to her third husband
Who eyes leering at my oldest may she have been 8,9 or 10 caught him looking at her in that disgusting filthy way as she was ballet dancing
Well I couldn't hold back
Lots of turd hitting the fan
I knew that look
I knew that look at a single didget age
I have written of this over and over and over
And I just start to think it is over before it started
Wondered how my mother let it happen
I listen to her a few days ago
Yelling out don't leave me
Please don't leave me
I told her it's not in me to do it
I'll have to wait my time
To have a horrible relationship when we were younger
The things she told me as I was the built it babysitter / as I were her mommy became my responsibility yup my baby sister remembers all the things I have done for her it was easy for Liz to take off whenever she wanted to hang with her girlfriends this was my prototype
This the baby who was scheduled to be aborted
Never happened
And again abort another child at 36
She would lean on me and tried to explain it away
Well here I am still talking about it
I have a purpose
What that is who knows I just do my best
Bestowed with a family of my own made that decision
Saying to myself you can do this
Over and over again
And she calls me crying a few hours later crying
Please I need you here
I don't have the nerve to this world @ericbolling @divorced W/4 children and a deadbeat father all their lives Why no talk about $'s states could save rounding them up its valid
Calming her I'm not going anywhere I'm here for you
And then my family
They do not see it
Just making excuses excuses excuses
My youngest I have no clue where she is

And then I wake and my granddaughter takes it all away for the moments I just want to give up
Reminded I didn't pick up
And managed another day
Like it or not
I blocked everyone from contacting me
And it did not feel good
But that's what I did until it hits me out of nowhere
And deal with it
So much hurt
Not really what I wanted to get out but had to finish
So much hurt
So much not our fault
And I have to get my crap together
And figure out how am I going to handle this
My last chance to help raise my grandchild
I look for the butterfly
Still looking
Me
__________________
someone who cares
eva

Last edited by eva5667faliure; 07-11-2017 at 08:00 AM.
eva5667faliure is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:
PamelaJune (08-01-2017)
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
can't take anymore anon1028 Traumatic Brain Injury and Post Concussion Syndrome 6 06-30-2014 09:11 PM
Not sure anymore Aropka New Member Introductions 3 10-18-2011 11:57 PM
just cant do this anymore krank Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy (RSD and CRPS) 28 04-09-2011 10:45 PM
Please help - cant take it anymore! debbiehub Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy (RSD and CRPS) 11 04-26-2010 05:49 AM
What Should I do, I just don't feel wanted anymore Jennifer Survivors of Suicide 14 01-08-2007 05:28 PM


All times are GMT -5. The time now is 10:37 AM.

Powered by vBulletin • Copyright ©2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.

vBulletin Optimisation provided by vB Optimise v2.7.1 (Lite) - vBulletin Mods & Addons Copyright © 2024 DragonByte Technologies Ltd.
 

NeuroTalk Forums

Helping support those with neurological and related conditions.

 

The material on this site is for informational purposes only,
and is not a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment
provided by a qualified health care provider.


Always consult your doctor before trying anything you read here.