They came
God knows and I pray
It is not easy
But I will till I drop
Never ever could I imagine she would do harm to
Her
Praying
4:00 in the morning
Cannot return back to sleep
Another day
Me

When she was delivering Eva it was just 2 weeks I had my second spine surgery
Hovering over her
Holding my head up
My body so broken
And the judge seen with all
I have custody
Trying time and time again
For mod and daughters to have moments to reaclimate herself with her child only not to follow through
But she can make it to Coney Island and have a grand time with troubled father she is hooked on
What else can I say
So done
So absolutely done
Now to be questioned and her wanting what she wants under the current circumstances
Never going to happen
To see her fear that she will be taken
I just want to deck her
You all get what I'm saying
We had a little time in the car before I walked her to the door
I am broken-hearted
Just broken
She doesn't want to talk with her mom or father
As she told the workers she doesn't want to go to their home
It is the grandmothers apartment and they live with her
Her son pushed his mother
And Eva witnessed this
I will not force her in anyway
I goal is she be happy with
NO WORRIES
can you imagine a first grader
Recognized to be gifted on a waiting list for the new school
Loves school
Kisses and told her
Who's having a great day
She says
I am
I say
Why
She says
Cause nobody is gonna spoil my day
This is how I send her off
Every single day
My family tiny
No mother around
She never was
And my entire family is in Hungary
ALL
So alone in this
I have Heavenly Father
But a physical body
Nope
Only Corissa
Me

Took her favorite meal out
Made a huge pot of pasta sauce froze a bunch
Yous is the best mimma
How can I not
Corissa on her way
I'm at school waiting for the doors to open
Got a call at lunch time
Not feeling well
Of course
She's worrying herself
Corissa and I will have a long conversation with her tonight
She must be priority
Mother somehow got through my cell
Deleated her
And before I did
Told her your on your own
After the unnecessarypain that will never be forgotten
Goodbye
Done
Me

It hurts so badly
Everything
So much more pain
I just don't know how to move forward
So much pain inside
And have nobody
Nobody to talk about this with
But Heavenly Father
I have a child who's love can erase all of the things I have to be grateful for
Forgive us Father
Forgive us
Me

You better be taking care of your grandchildren
Who are living
And the ones who didn't make it
You make me sick today
Sick
I will never throw in the towel
Like you did
The only joy I have in my life
My granddaughter
My children
My two sisters
Nephew
I let many go to do a job I wanted to take on
They have been shorted in life by their fathers
They abandoned them when they were babies
Just to spite me
They left them
And
As you robbed me of my natural process to becoming a young woman
You violated me and my sister
F****d us up
As my baby sister had to see the gun you killed yourself with
Today I wish I could have pulled the trigger
Todays new pain is just to much
Another reason why I hate you today
You better be watching over them babies who never made it in this family
You lowlife coward
Do your F*****g job
I did my best
God forgive us and the terrible choices we make because we try to fill that void that ONLY YOU KNOW
Only to suffer
And suffer
I gave up what only you know Father
I could not be a father to my girls
Nor not know how to be a father to my son
I am sure you are pleased at most of my child rearing
I feel good about the job I did
But we all suffer "THAT VOID"
And I know what it's like to dedicate my all
Good bad or indifferent
But as for my crappy father
Make him work
And take care of the babies that didn't make it in this family
Me

All my life
I put my children first
And now I put my granddaughter first
And my child says I want her to myself
Things have gotten so much worse as time goes on
And I don't have any love to give her
I don't want to feel anything for her anymore
And I don't want her to hurt my granddaughter like she does
Over and over and over again
Broken hearted I am crushed to the core
A mother and father have given me their child
And so much time has passed
She only wants to be happy
Happy
And the cruelness of my child is more than I could stand
Me

I am sorry you are being hurt like this. But I think your granddaughter is lucky to have you in her life. And I believe she will remember all the love you have given her. I always pray for you to have peace and joy. And though I am not able to type as much as I would like because of the pain I'm in, you are always in my thoughts. Hugs to you my friend.

I have given up on my children
I have given up on any help that could come from them
My son told me today your gonna have to get over it and accept that you have to do it alone
I told him no it doesn't have to be that way you all choose not to help
I am letting go
My sister will fight with me if must
I have given up on them in everyway
And will give all I can to take care of Eva alone
Me

Thank you for the love and I am so sorry you too suffer with debilitating pain
Any love I will take
It is such a lonely feeling
I must let them go and not concern myself with them
They have no problem moving on
What hurts that is not how I raised them
I don't know what happened
I just don't know
With my love in return
And may a miracle come our way
Me

Oh Eva, there it is, your children each still talk to one another. Your son knows the truth of it. I so wish I could help you, all I have are words and at present they're not very nice ones of the fruit of your loins.

But I can say; I can tell you, choose your sister: Tell your children you will never give up, but you are sad to say in blatant honesty that they have, you accept their choice made; they gave up yesterday, today & tomorrow with nary a thought to you or their future.

We know, us both know, your children will always be your children, but maybe they need this jolt, this sideways action of you not resisting, just accepting, you choose life, they choose of their own making to not help & you are not going to fight it. Let them feel in a week or 2 when they need you, you're not there. See what happens then. Your thoughts are so focussed on problem after problem, child after child, look on this as a mini break from them & theres.

So tired here, can't think coherently, chose your sister dear Eva, she will help I pray