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06-09-2018, 05:11 AM | #1 | |||
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Grand Magnate
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Just the last three televised suicide
Has indeed triggered something What I don’t know But I understand their act As if it were the answer Knowing of course it is not an option Not in my case But I get them Robins death is still with me Never left The struggles of addiction not chump change Along with depression as we try so hard to mask it Put it at bay Not to deal with all the pain as there is just to much of it And one just doesn’t know where to shove it anymore If it’s not one thing it’s another What had become of us Isn’t anybody listening All those professionals Out for the buck There is just a small few who really give a s**t And we get up and put one foot in front of the other and just do And wait for that time to come Not a way to live But it’s the truth in this ones case Who will care As there is no care now Who will care It won’t matter there won’t be anymore pain of any kind All gone I watched him cook and travel all over the world His passion as it was mine And that was taken from me Take just like that My family I have aren’t listening They are loving their lives in a not very healthy manner They too suffer extreme depression But do nothing about it My father took his life Just like that Out a gun to his heart knew how to do it as he was a hunter I’m one shot All gone And the pain he suffered gone just like that Where are they all going Why are we suffering the mental pain along with addiction I am a recovering alcoholic over three decades Young I was when I new I had a problem It never went away Many tomes I think how much easier it would be to pick up a drink As it is my drug of choice And having to be a slave to these meds I’m on Hate it I so hate it all I wish I could feel the happiness I see some experience What happened to us Me
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someone who cares eva |
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10-20-2018, 07:59 AM | #2 | |||
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Grand Magnate
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But the thought comes and goes
I hang in for what dear life I live to raise my grandchild As my body is failing me I came to the conclusion I am qualified on so many levels Why I wondered Then it dawned on me Am I being as I go through this life and all I have experienced so to give it away Am I Heavenly Fathers helper It is a lonely place to be I have my Heavenly Father my dignity my self respect I go through so much alone Having cry every single day in sadness aloneness You may wonder But she talks of Heavenly Father I do Even in the lonely life for me has to be for a reason I look at the world around me Being who I am Standing my ground Not getting involved with evilness Something that goes on like turning the light switch off to on And if your not part of that evilness your an outsider You don’t belong And that’s okay I’d rather be on this side of the fence So much pain so much sadness and the happiness short lived I give what I know away Just like my sobriety I say to myself how can this body go through so much I keep it to myself I am told I look awesome And I wonder to myself How am I supposed to look I hurts to wash my hair but I do The lipstick I’m never without I struggle to put on as the hairs above my lip is getting thicker as time goes on I must trim it so so my lipstick doesn’t get caught in it Why not wax it you may ask yourself Never did Never will I bleach it I shower Wash my hair I make myself smell good My granddaughter loves to smell me and use my perfume I mix myself I put myself in clean clothes I have come to learn I make things look easy and it’s not It hurts It hurts to put my foot down on the floor and stand Yet I put one foot in front of the other How am I supposed to look Disheveled Smelly Greasy Never Never Four children I have They think because I do I’m just fine Well there are days I’m not Days I hurt so badly mentally and physically Most importantly spiritually We all know what fine means But make no mistake even in the times I need help most it isn’t seen or understood and that’s makes me very sad Very sad as much as I too have to treat my children like a drink or drug hurts but I must So I put it off for another day And keep putting one foot in front of the other As that day will come Not at my hand I have much pain healing There is a little girl who still seeks a mother that still lives But her life is and always has been Regretting having us girls And not knowing her grandchildren or her great granddaughter It’s that little girl that’s been abandoned remembering at the age of two Heavenly Father knows all Right We are given promises should we believe I believe
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someone who cares eva Last edited by eva5667faliure; 10-20-2018 at 08:15 AM. |
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11-02-2018, 04:06 AM | #3 | |||
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Grand Magnate
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Working overtime
Not a day Not a single day goes by Thinking will it ever get better I keep to myself Don’t let anyone step on me It has taken a toll I don’t want to give up My mind tell me different Devil working overtime You would think the help would come from my children What children I ask myself Not that I will not puch myself The point I push myself to breaking point It has been what seems a long hard lonely life Feelings Just feelings But consuming Fighting it off has become a chore Every single day I look look real hard for the happiness People so in a rush Not like it was before the age of computers and social media And person think that’s a life Omg When I was a kid I would have to finish many chores before going out and play Ball Go to the park Manhunt with the children that lived nearby The snow days were fun There gone all gone I just want to run away to the end of the earth and fall just drop Oh the abyss I can touch it It’s right there But I can’t I just can’t I have to take care of Eva who’s mother still gives me grief It’s so lonely All gone Lonely
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someone who cares eva |
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11-03-2018, 06:01 AM | #4 | |||
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Grand Magnate
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For my boy
Me
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someone who cares eva |
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11-05-2018, 05:08 AM | #5 | |||
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Grand Magnate
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That were his last words to us before he took his life
A Hungarian wrote it phonetically Dear family I hope forgive what I did because I can’t take it anymore because nobody respects me as a father Whatever problem came up I get blame for it And your mother blames me for everything So the best thing to stay away of your life for good I hope you understand my situation and always love Daddy She wanted to trash it but my baby sister came across several of his personal paperwork including his citizenship paper with his picture on it It’s been a long time since I spoke to her My mother The woman who never wanted us Makes her now ex husband she lives with his family and grandchildren her family Me and my two younger sisters were each told how we weren’t wanted So many unanswered questions So much sadness and pain to overcome So sad
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