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Old 10-02-2016, 02:13 PM   #1
eva5667faliure
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Default Waiting for my last breath

This is how I feel this very moment
I have such a hole on my heart
What heart
It's shriveled up into nothing but trouble
My health is going downhill so fast
I just wonder when will my last breath be
How much longer
Sadness is always standing by to jump in
To have to work at being happy sometime in my day is work
Happiness is work
I am stagnant in everyway possible
But my mind
This mind of mine just won't quit
Constantly talking myself into a better space
Looking for love
I know my Heavenly Father is with me at all times
And he be my true Love
He loves me
This much I know
I am so so unhappy on a level that has zero to do with my family
Just life in general
Look at our world we call earth
So much HATE
Where is the LOVE
just a snippet of it please
Only you k ow Heavenly Father what is wrong with me
Only YOU
every single day I try my best to be upbeat
But I get beaten down
No job no love no life to share with another
Nobody to hold me and tell me
It will be okay Eva
I'm here for you
Don't worry
I haven't had this EVER IN MY ENTIRE LIFE
Under the age of five I was alone
Having to take care of everyone else and me
Only now I need help
I'm so scared
Frightened about how if I should breath another ten years
What it will be like
And then I think of a friend of mine who said one day
Eva don't worry about what the future holds till you get to your destination
Stay in the moment
The moment is bleek and sad
I have a nut who is taking away any little sound sleep I can get in away and have to call the police
Really this is my life
Really
I HATE this doomed feeling
Try so hard to start my day over and over and over
I look forward to the night so I can close my eyes and just drift off only to be awakened by a nut
I will not ever take my life
Had that happen in already in my family
Father checked out at forty seven
My feel good hormone gone
Can't have a drink to numb me
I remember how the first three drinks made me feel
It was a good feeling
A really good feeling
Because I began to let things go and not bother me
That's what it did takes it away
I HATE being a slave to my F medicines
The F doctors half don't know what they are even doing
Just give me the money
I am young
And my health gone
All the children and persons living with physical adversities I can't even imagine
All I know
This isn't a way to live
This isn't life
What happened to me
What the F happened to me
Just waiting for that last breath
Sad
So very sad
Me
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Old 10-02-2016, 04:10 PM   #2
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So sorry to see you feeling this way. But, "Dont worry Eva. We are all here for you. It will be ok in the end..."
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Old 10-02-2016, 07:46 PM   #3
eva5667faliure
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Andy_Pablo View Post
So sorry to see you feeling this way. But, "Dont worry Eva. We are all here for you. It will be ok in the end..."
I know you get it Andy
Nothing has changed since last here
This will pass
But I just had a breakdown
Having my granddaughter
Awake me to help her with her stuffy nose
brought resentments I don't know if I have any business having
She's my grandchild and her mother nowhere to be found in making it better so they could be together
And I know that will be a very slim chance at the rate she is going
Even if she did get her act together got a place for her and her daughter
Eva made it clear not to long ago
She doesn't ever want to leave
So part time it would be

Or is it because I'm not super mom anymore
That's what they called me
The super is gone
You get it Andy
Wanting to work be a part of something rewarding
My kids say to me
You did the most important job ever
Raising my four children
And have children not mine who remember me
I did my very best
This I know to be true
But to have a place where you engage in adult company
Doing something you love
And I always worked jobs that worked around raising them
and a awesome employee I was complemented many times
Not to have that special someone to rub my back when it hurts
My feet hands
To be held close and for the words to hear
Don't worry
Everything will be okay
I'm here
My dog is getting so old
Seeing him just put me in a terrible funk
If I remember correctly you too have a furry companion
I love him so much it hurts
And to see him getting old
Reminds me of my life
His little paws are all mangled like arthritis kicked in
his back legs
They don't operate the way they did when he was younger
he a Australian silky terrier sat in my arms for over an hour
licking my face dry as my salty tears stream down my cheeks
I don't know
It just that feeling one gets in their gut
a physical manifestation
And it s.u.c.k.s big time
It's a terrible mind ****

Then our country
The world
And no one to hold me and tell me
It's gonna be alright
To not worry how i will do it
if it is getting so bad
It's just so scary when I let my mind go into overdrive
I worry about everything and everyone at my own expense
I have to talk to myself and tell myself to knock it off
This to myself

Yeah I'm on that potty
Kicking myself

But I tell myself
To awake
Or be awakened by pain
And have a nut who cannot control herself
my neighbor above me
I don't know
In a funk for certain
May it be the weather changing
Or the lack of hormones
Who knows
And I wonder
When that last breath will come
The most precious thing one has until something goes wrong
with ones health
understands
Without it everything is so much harder
I so respect persons who trump their disibility they are born with
But to have been healthy and it taken away
I'm embarrassed to think this way
To be born in a debilitating way and just push through it
Makes me feel so small
ashamed
I cry very much in secret
I know Heavenly Father knows all
Including how I feel
Who am I to question
He hung from the cross for me and the world
I want to give of myself
And do not have the ability to contribute as I have
You understand
I know you feel my words
Should I wake
I just want to FEEL the happiness
Though
At the end of the day
I must submit it all over to him
Truly surrender for it to count
Why I feel like this
I don't know
To know there are a few who get it
Is the reason I let loose
It's so overwhelming I just want to scream till I loose my voice
Thanks Andy
Thank you
Be well
Me
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Old 10-02-2016, 08:13 PM   #4
Andy_Pablo
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Yes, I have a little cat called Gabriella... She is a loveable little pain in my backside, but she has helped me a lot...
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Old 10-03-2016, 05:45 AM   #5
OhKay
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Wanting to die vs. wanting to take your own life are very different things (I've walked down both paths). It's very common for people to wish for death during times of extreme stress, and you have been through so much my friend

I became disabled from MS at 28, and I feel the same guilt that you do that I'm unable to overcome my handicaps like others can. I want to return to work so badly, but can't. I miss interacting with other people… I am very isolated. I'm married, but there are difficulties, and I often still feel alone.

Prior to my disability, I spent my life taking care of others. I understand your occasional feelings of resentment over taking care of your granddaughter. I used to get that way from time to time when caring for my mother. It's a natural response because life is just expecting too much of you

I understand a life with constant pain, although I have chosen not to take pain meds. I think you likely suffer more than I do, and I know it's difficult for you to have to take pain meds with your history of alcoholism.

None of these things are easy, they are just a couple of the issues that you are facing, and I know that your past still follows you

I wish that the burdens you carry were lighter, and that your physical and emotional pain would go away

I am so proud of you for making your sobriety a priority despite all the challenges you face, and I am happy that you find comfort in your faith in God
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Old 10-03-2016, 08:18 AM   #6
eva5667faliure
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Quote:
Originally Posted by OhKay View Post
Wanting to die vs. wanting to take your own life are very different things (I've walked down both paths). It's very common for people to wish for death during times of extreme stress, and you have been through so much my friend

I became disabled from MS at 28, and I feel the same guilt that you do that I'm unable to overcome my handicaps like others can. I want to return to work so badly, but can't. I miss interacting with other people… I am very isolated. I'm married, but there are difficulties, and I often still feel alone.

Prior to my disability, I spent my life taking care of others. I understand your occasional feelings of resentment over taking care of your granddaughter. I used to get that way from time to time when caring for my mother. It's a natural response because life is just expecting too much of you

I understand a life with constant pain, although I have chosen not to take pain meds. I think you likely suffer more than I do, and I know it's difficult for you to have to take pain meds with your history of alcoholism.

None of these things are easy, they are just a couple of the issues that you are facing, and I know that your past still follows you

I wish that the burdens you carry were lighter, and that your physical and emotional pain would go away

I am so proud of you for making your sobriety a priority despite all the challenges you face, and I am happy that you find comfort in your faith in God
Spoken to my heart
It is with much sadness I
I write such horrible stuff
Your response hit every note
You are right
And I just have to keep on trucking
So sorry you have times you too feel alone
Or is it lonly
I have a good heart
One that gone through the ringer
To have someone turn away for whatever reason they may come up with saddens me
Really
I think that is worse
I have been alone by choice
Maybe a little to cautious on my part
Couldn't imagine another person coming into my children's lives
Having a dad like I did
I could and would have killed for my babies
And I have
Any disabling problem
We share the feeling that drape over us
You are kind
And understand my soberiety
It is the one constant in my life
And you notice that
My family on the other hand seem to have forgotten
it would be so much easier with a drink
But that would just make me numb out of control
because that's what happens easier
But instead I have
Thank you for seeing it
Made the choice every single day not to pick up
Because I was a functioning alcoholic
Actually it was at the end of my waitress career my drinking got out of control
At my job
My night cap
Before I went home
Thank God I haven't physically harmed my babies
I did a number on their psyche
Still in healing mode
Made good on my promise
I will never kill myself
Nor pick up a drink
I am not a pill person
In fact I get so sick
It too a long time to find something that helped
Guess what drug that is
The worse ever
OxyContin I take two a day 60mg tablets
One at 6:30 in morning with the other bunch
And again at night by 7:00P.M.
In the morning in addition I take a 5mg oxycodone fast acting
I take it with a hot cup of coffee
Hoping for it to get into my blood stream to my brain and block it
The nausea is constant
Have some help with holistic remedy just became legal
But cannot afford it
Not much needed
But a god send
Zofran a anti nausea prescribed
Zero affect
Until an I found something that works
And has been around never to have killed anyone
Can impair but never die from
Actually being taken very seriously
Can be a gateway make no mistake
For those who aren't addicts of any form
As there are many forms
I can be a gateway
Experience
So yup
It s.u.c.k.s.
How quick doctors push pills
All my doctors know of my recovery
Especially my pain specialist I have been with him
from the very beginning
Watched my Corissa go from early grammer school into a young woman
He drives my train
In addition to him
My oncologist
Pulmonary and PCP
OBGYN
Eye due
Teeth due
Doing everything to stay alive
And take care of me
I have to take care of ME
tired I guess
My halter goes on Wednesday
Rather then today
Oncologist is a few blocks away changed appointment
To Wednesday
So will do that
So sick of doctors
And I will need a cardiologist
Had one for about seven years
I'm just going on
Fired him because of staff
And another doctor my shrink of seven years
Twice
He had a hard time letting him go
He was a pill pusher
Why I say this
When I found out about my mutation
And that I needed a script for the product called Deplin
I take the top dose 15mg
It's what I will refer to as a mega vitamin
And having been out on soooooo many antidepressants
and refused to give insurance company a profile of my history with the meds he prescribed
None ever working in fact put me into a very bad place
That dark place
And then the withdrawals
So when he challenged my desire to start Deplin
And how not having it in my system any and all antidepressants will NOT work
Fired
There are the two oaths you speak of having walked both myself
You are right
And you listened
And you hit it right on
Andy understanding
Wanting to be a part of the world
I think to myself
How many times I want to read to children
Or help and elderly by cooking for them and storing some in their freezer
I did this and still do when I can
May it be soup
Pasta sauce
You get the picture
Called the school informing them of Eva's cold and fever
Not time yet contagious
As it has begun to hit me late last night
My throat not that bad now
Neighbor was quiet after 11:00
Anyhow
So comforting
To have some who care enough to hold me up
Who have followed my life story
And have some who relate
You help me understand something
And I'm so sorry you are treated differently too by the ones who say they love UNCONDITIONALLY
How much more painful it must be to have that one you could hear them words
Don't worry
I'm right here
I'm not going anywhere
You can count in me
To have taken the vows
Two become one
You have made me see things just a bit differently
that is a big deal when having that other I speak of having
It must feel absolutely terrible
Terrible
Do I say thank you for that
No
I'm sorry YOU are going through that
And thank you for sharing it

Hanging on with my faith
And believing
Heavenly Father
Will see to it
All
Thank you for the love
Thank you
My eldest baby now thirty five
Also disabled with horrible seizures
We went through so much she was twenty two when she had her first seizure
Blind in right eye
After removal of occipital lobe
It's the right eye
That was suppose to be the trade off
Wasn't a successful
High hopes
One day we will all be happy
She has her high school sweetheart
Married at times he too forgets
So thank you for helping look at something differently
And will pray your partner will find their way back into your life
with a better understanding
All that has happened was out of our control
Feel my hug
Love
Mr
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Old 10-04-2016, 07:18 AM   #7
eva5667faliure
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Awakened with that doomed feeling I haven't felt for a good number of months
That feel good moment when starting Deplin
This I'm sure is situational triggers of my mortality going where
I should be at this stage at least
Having made a decision not to get involved with any other man and raise my babies
This was a conscious choice at 24
And I followed through
Not to have that I could wait for as I thought I was still young
I will have my time allowing that someone in my life
That wasn't in the cards
I live the woman side of life
And kept my children away from "them"
Not yet
Having to turn men away that wanted to take care of me and my babies
This I did do
And when I thought I did what I needed to
Raise them to be responsible young adults
It would be my time
I have my good long time brief companion
That fills a small void
Cannot have him in my life regularly
Divorced he is one child
We get together ever couple of months
And time is rolling on by
I am feeling very lonly
Very lonly
Have been awakened at how persons are really
And that happened over night
One moment to the next
Forever changed
Not anybody to hold like I imagined after I did my job raising them
Not happening
And I'm not interested in the kind where a woman is expected to put themself out and put out
Just look into my eyes and tell me what you see
Me
Me
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Old 10-05-2016, 10:13 AM   #8
OhKay
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Eva, I think that sometimes people view those with medical and mental health challenges as needy or weak. In fact, it's often the opposite. Life has conditioned us to absorb many more blows than those who have been lucky. The same applies to the other difficulties we have faced in life. But that doesn't mean that it's always smooth ride.

I've had my share of problems with doctors. My PCP tells me not to be so judgmental… that I expect too much, but I expect compassionate and competent care, and I don't think that's asking too much.
I take so many meds for bipolar disorder, I don't take anything to treat my MS or its symptoms anymore. I've decided I'm just going to suck it all up because I don't want to be zombified, and I need the psych meds to work more than I need to be comfortable.

I'm so sorry that you are feeling so lonely… I think that your children are old enough that your obligation to stay alone is over. Your relationship with your granddaughter is different. She has in no way been effected by your drinking, so you do not need to unnecessarily punish yourself on her behalf. You deserve to have a life of your own

I am still with my husband, although we separated for 3 months in 2014. Even though there were already major problems in our marriage, the separation was mainly due to my inability to control my bipolar disorder and drinking. My husband is an alcoholic, but I have been sober since July 2015.


Kay
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Old 10-06-2016, 12:31 PM   #9
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In the Arms of the Angel Sarah McLachlan Lyrics - YouTube


Life is out there my dear friend....you talk a lot about faith

Now ask...and you will receive

Take time out to love you...cherish you..understand the inner you......

You have faith....use it


Your a good soul...open it up to the world


David
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Old 10-14-2016, 05:34 AM   #10
eva5667faliure
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Default Every single day

I shouldn't be fighting life
What a silly thing
Having to fight
No fighting anymore
Just no fighting anymore
Having Faith wavier in and out
In and out
As the breaths I take
To live
To have free will
To choose to believe in a greater than power
To believe in Jesus Christ
To believe I have a purpose
To believe I too matter
To believe I too can be happy
To believe in blind faith I am loved by Heavenly Father
My purpose
Hear my prayer
In angels I believe
To those who protect me
From evil
To not cry in my day
Would be nice
To have faith I can make it
It is hard most times
But I make it through the day
And pray myself to sleep
It is what it is
I'm still needed
Me
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