Sam, do you have a therapist? or someone from the church that you could talk to about these matters.
We are not professionals and I believe that you could use some professional help.
A therapist could help you learn coping skills to use to help you help yourself get thru these troubling times.
Thank you for coming here and sharing your feelings.
We don't want you to kill yourself.
You are right it would devastate your family.
((((HUGS))))
bizi

Hello Sam: I read through your posts on this thread. I'm fairly new here on NT. But I'm an active member over on NT's sister website: PsychCentral. (By the way... I'm also an old man...) I was struck by what you wrote because I've spent a lifetime where you are... feeling there is simply no point to living... hating just continuing to put one foot in front of the other day-after-day. Even after all these years, it's still sort-of that way, I guess, although it has been true for me that these sorts of concerns have mellowed as time has gone by.

From what you've written, it sounds as though your religion is important to you. I've never been a religious person myself although I have always been very interested in religions in general & spirituality. Over the years I have gradually come under the influence of the Tibetan Buddhist tradition in particular as it is presented in the writings of the American Buddhist nun Pema Chödrön.

The really important thing I have learned from Ani Pema's writings is that our struggles: our worries, fears, anger as well as our joys are really our treasure. We can use them as a way to develop deep & abiding compassion for ourselves and for others. So from that perspective, if we feel that life is simply not worth living... that's okay... we can work with that. We can smile to that thought, breathe into it, perhaps even place our hands over our hearts as a sign of compassion & lovingkindness for it. We can then remember that millions of other people feel just as we do. And as a result of engaging our own feelings of despair with compassion & lovingkindness, we can connect with the deep heart of sadness that lurks within hearts of so many others past, present & future. And in the process we can acknowledge our shared humanity, & dwell within the deep & abiding peace of the present moment. One does not have to be a Buddhist to do so.

Now this may all sound very pie-in-the-sky to you. But I will tell you I have tried to commit suicide twice, and have self-harmed to the point where I have done myself permanent physical damage. I still struggle with what is called passive suicidality every day… simply wishing I would just die. So this is serious business for me… as I perceive what you are going through is for you. The difference, of course, is that I’m in the later years of my life, while you’re still so very young. It saddens my heart to think that you already feel so much despair.

I know that others who have replied to your post have suggested you see a therapist. And I do think that would be a very good idea. Sometimes having someone, in real life, to talk all of this through with over a period of time can be a great comfort. So I would also like to encourage you to consider this. Beyond that, I will simply send hugs with the hope that, in some way, you will be able to find deep peace within.

By the way, the practice I described above is called: "compassionate abiding". Here is a link to a nice mental-health-oriented description of the practice:

Relieve Distress By Allowing It: Compassionate Abiding 11 | Mindset: Perspective Is Everything

May it be of benefit.

I have a strong suspicion that your time with video games is connected to how you feel.

Video games are addicting and also affect dopamine levels in the brain by depleting them. Dopamine is the "pleasure" and "reward" neurotransmitter.

We all have different ratios of neurotransmitters, based on our genetics. This is why there are so many antidepressants, as one does not fit all.

Bizi and others here are correct in that you must get professional help. Teen suicide is a very serious thing and only trained professionals can help you.

But it may be that you are squandering your time and energy (dopamine) on a useless activity that does not lead to positive outcomes or enrich you.

Here are some links to read:
Video Games Can Activate the Brain's Pleasure Circuits | Psychology Today

As a coincidence, this article just appeared on NT Health News Headlines, about dopamine:
https://www.neurotalk.org/health-new...n-bonding.html

This is also a helpful article written in common language to explain depersonalization feelings:
The 5 most common Depersonalization Symptoms

My wifi just stalled, so I am moving to the big desktop and will continue this post there.....

So here is a link to depersonalization:
Depersonalization / Derealization Disorder Symptoms | Psych Central
You have stated that you had this before your head injury, is that right?

There is one antidepressant that works on the dopamine system...it is called Wellbutrin (bupropion). It can work for those that the SSRIs did not help much which are serotonin based.

Your generation is the really the first to have such access to digital media and games. Most of the posters here did not have these outlets, so we learned to entertain ourselves. When I was your age, I read books often, and taught myself to draw and paint. Some do music, others sports, or outdoor activities like gardening, or just plain walking. Exercise is really helpful for the brain, so it would be a thing to try.

Every day you live is a gift, but it is not "free". It is up to you to learn how to make the most of this life, and when you do your brain can come around and change for the better. Don't be seduced by slick video games which are empty and hold little future for you.

Thank you so much for this. YOu are a wonderful man.
((((((HUGS)))))
bizi

I'm really confused. So are you saying the video games are making things worse or better?


Video games is the only passion I have in life, and the only joy I really experience throughout the day... taking that away from me would lead to more depression.

I tried fixing my depersonaliztion for months, visiting hundreds of doctors, trying all sorts of medicine, exercising,NOTHING worked. (You can see my other thread Suicidal Thoughts Always There In Back Of Head) So I just stopped. I stopped trying and let it be, so I live with mild numbness everyday but I've gotten used to it I suppose



And to others hat have suggested a therapist:


I have gone to one in the past, for several months after I got my concussion and my depersonalization first started, it did not work. I would only cry more and get MORE anxiety to go see a therapist and talk about my life. It just made things so much worse for me.

From that time I spent with her I was diagnosed with depersonalization and General Anxiety Disorder. Like I said I was on hundreds of different meds nothing worked, just had more side effects then benefits


She didint really understand my struggles. It was really hard connecting with her and I never felt comfortable sharing things.

Dear Sam,
So you did not click with the first therapist. You can't give up.
some times it takes a while to click with someone.
Try again with some one new.
(((((HUGS))))
I have an addictive personality.
food, alcohol and internet.
I will always have an addictive personality, it is just learning how to control it.
I am seeing a new therapist and this one seems to work...I am ready to get better. I am 54, never too late to try to seek help.
I am rooting for you.
(((((HUGS)))))
bizibizi

I have bipolar disorder and struggled for many years with passive suicidal ideation. I had a lot of reasons to question my worth, purpose, and place in this world since I was also an alcoholic and had been handicapped and unable to work since I was 28. I attempted s/s two years ago when I went off my meds, I became acutely manic, and those things (and more) all seemed like rational reasons to end my life.

I really miss the monotonous and stressful things in life like working and/or going to school because that's where I got to interact with other people. And when you have to stop working, you start to feel disconnected because you feel like you're not a productive member of society. It's true that not all those experiences and interactions are all positive, but trust me you would miss them if they weren't there. A big part of what life is about is our experiences and interactions with others…

My circle is smaller now, and I can't do the things that I used to. I still consider life worth living (most days) because I do what I can, find enjoyment where I can, and have love for others, who have love for me. And I stopped drinking.


I still attribute your search for answers to be partly due to your age, but I think that your mental health is obviously at play here, too. I know that you're frustrated by other people's suggestions that your return to therapy since it didn't help the first time you went. I think that you may not have benefitted because the therapist wasn't a good fit for you. Trying again is a good idea.

I know that you have taken Lexapro for your anxiety, but I'm unaware of any other anti-anxiety or antidepressant meds that you've tried, but sometimes it takes more than one try to get on the right med, and many patients find that their patience is rewarded, at least to some degree. Trying again is a good idea.

I know a lot of people would argue that there are a lot of activities that are healthier than video games, but personally I don't think that they are hurting or helping you, especially since you exercise regularly. If they are something you really enjoy, you should obviously keep playing them.

I wish that we had some magic words to say to you that would help make you more content with the great questions in life, but most of us here are quite a bit older than you and don't suffer from depersonalization. I wish that someone younger and/or someone who has suffered from depersonalization would post and offer some advice that may be more helpful

Don't forget that we care about you, and like to hear how you are doing. We'll do the best we can to offer you the best advice and feedback possible, Sam

Hang in there.
Kay

Another update..


I feel horrible right now. Recently when I look in the mirror I don't recognize myself at all. It's so hard for me to believe that the kid I see IS ME. Does not make sense.


I just don't know. I don't belong here at all. I have no purpose in being on this earth. The only thing I want to do is join the military, so I can protect other lives that matter because mine doesn't. And make real friends, because the kids around me are liars and backstabbers.


This whole high school thing just isint for me. I'm so anti social. I was going to go to the dance coming up with a friend of mine, but she just canceled last minute and decided to go with another guy. This is EXACTLY why I don't trust NOBODY. And why I have ZERO friends because they all treat me like ****.


Wish I could go to sleep and not wake up. Things would be so peaceful. I'm so tired and stressed and just have no motivation.......

I am sorry she canceled at the last minute.
That was really poor on her part.
((((HUGS))))
bizi

What that girl did to you ****ed. My mother brought my sister and I up right and taught us that we should never treat boys that way.

I'm so sorry that the common high school BS is making your situation worse, Sam. I wish that you could find one good person at school that you click with who you can anchor yourself to to make the whole experience easier to bear...

Maybe you need to start fishing from a different pond to find a good friend(s) by joining an activity, like a club or gym, you're interested in at/outside of school.

I wish things were easier for you Sam