Hi Sam,

It is very good to hear from you. What am amazing list of accomplishments! Even if your days aren't perfect (whose are?) it sounds like you have adjusted very well to all that has happened with you. Be sure you give yourself credit from a functional standpoint. Getting your grades up to A/B in High School takes a lot of perseverance and daily engagement. This is a tremendous leap forward.

I agree that many of the existential questions you have are expected for your age. Many teens struggle with the same big concepts. There is much going on in our country and in the world that is difficult if not impossible to wrap your head around, not to mention the bigger issues like God and Heaven.

it's good you recognize over-thinking. Try not to do that! School will lead to new knowledge and experiences and someday a spark will ignite a passion in you for something in particular. Not just a job but something that resonates. There is too much pressure on high schoolers to make decisions about what they want to do and be. This may not be clear to you until well into college that's why there is an initially "undecided" major. Try not to worry. You are doing exactly what you should be right now. The rest will come. In the meantime, let life wash over you, influence you, shape you into the kind of person you admire and want to be. You will choose and hold the values that deepen your experience and connect you to others.

Be the change you want to see in the world Sam. Every day who you are has the capacity to touch people. Being a model for carrying on with the business of life in spite of suffering makes a difference. You are far from empty. We see you Sam and God sees you too.

Many hugs,

Hi Littlepaw! Long time no talk!


Thanks so much for the kind post, I truly appreciate it. Like you said, its hard for me to wrap my head around everything, it REALLY is. I just can't wait to grow older and have more choice in what I do and how I live. Right now, I feel like a robot mindlessly going to school, walking from class to class not seeing the slightest point of me being there. The only subject I am interested in is History, but other than that everything seems like bull-**** information to me.


The curriculum they teach now is nothing like they taught years ago. My generation doesn't even learn how to write in cursive.. (Seriously) And most of the material is just being taught to us just to pass a standardized test, and to make the state look good so the education directors can make money.



Anyways, thanks again for posting. My face lit up with a huge smile when I saw your username! You were always there for me when I needed it.

thanks Sam! I have not been on as much these last months but I think of you and wish you well. I've had a lot going on and have made gradual improvements that mean I am out and about more than before.

I know how frustrating the system can be. With a high schooler your age I well understand the issues. I hope your school at least has decent "academies" of focus that allow some exploration. History is fascinating and has many lessons to teach us. It is important to have passionate historians who carry the torch of truth regardless of how good or bad the light it shines may make events appear.

On a practical note - and forgive me if stating the obvious - Have you had a good eye exam lately? Some eye issues, such as astigmatism, can be had with 20/20 vision but will show up on a more thorough exam. This simple thing can cause awful headaches and even slight near-sightedness can cause eye strain. Add in fluorescent lighting and device screens of all kinds and pain behind the eyes isn't uncommon. You might also consider some of the special glasses gamers use to reduce digital eye strain.

Take care and be well,

Beautiful posts Littlepaw. Thank you.

Hi everyone,

Super depressed writing this. I just don't understand WHY we're all here??

I recently started a new job working at a coffee shop, and my feelings about this **** we call life are growing. My same feelings of that... what's the point of ****ing working your butt off everyday? To do what? Grow old and sit in a wheelchair? There is absolutely no point. Sure, you'll probably tell me "love, friends, experiences" well I have none of that, and I never will.

I go to school, work, and come home and play video games with the time I have left. That's it. They tell me to go to school to get a job, but then what? Work everyday until I die? Love it....



I want to kill myself so bad. But I just can't because my family would be scarred, and I would just be hurting them. It's not there fault, it's just that my mind doesn't think the same as everyone else's and I DONT see the point in being a slave for no reward. I'd rather die and get the chance to go to heaven if it's really there....

Sam, do you have a therapist? or someone from the church that you could talk to about these matters.
We are not professionals and I believe that you could use some professional help.
A therapist could help you learn coping skills to use to help you help yourself get thru these troubling times.
Thank you for coming here and sharing your feelings.
We don't want you to kill yourself.
You are right it would devastate your family.
((((HUGS))))
bizi

Hello Sam: I read through your posts on this thread. I'm fairly new here on NT. But I'm an active member over on NT's sister website: PsychCentral. (By the way... I'm also an old man...) I was struck by what you wrote because I've spent a lifetime where you are... feeling there is simply no point to living... hating just continuing to put one foot in front of the other day-after-day. Even after all these years, it's still sort-of that way, I guess, although it has been true for me that these sorts of concerns have mellowed as time has gone by.

From what you've written, it sounds as though your religion is important to you. I've never been a religious person myself although I have always been very interested in religions in general & spirituality. Over the years I have gradually come under the influence of the Tibetan Buddhist tradition in particular as it is presented in the writings of the American Buddhist nun Pema Chödrön.

The really important thing I have learned from Ani Pema's writings is that our struggles: our worries, fears, anger as well as our joys are really our treasure. We can use them as a way to develop deep & abiding compassion for ourselves and for others. So from that perspective, if we feel that life is simply not worth living... that's okay... we can work with that. We can smile to that thought, breathe into it, perhaps even place our hands over our hearts as a sign of compassion & lovingkindness for it. We can then remember that millions of other people feel just as we do. And as a result of engaging our own feelings of despair with compassion & lovingkindness, we can connect with the deep heart of sadness that lurks within hearts of so many others past, present & future. And in the process we can acknowledge our shared humanity, & dwell within the deep & abiding peace of the present moment. One does not have to be a Buddhist to do so.

Now this may all sound very pie-in-the-sky to you. But I will tell you I have tried to commit suicide twice, and have self-harmed to the point where I have done myself permanent physical damage. I still struggle with what is called passive suicidality every day… simply wishing I would just die. So this is serious business for me… as I perceive what you are going through is for you. The difference, of course, is that I’m in the later years of my life, while you’re still so very young. It saddens my heart to think that you already feel so much despair.

I know that others who have replied to your post have suggested you see a therapist. And I do think that would be a very good idea. Sometimes having someone, in real life, to talk all of this through with over a period of time can be a great comfort. So I would also like to encourage you to consider this. Beyond that, I will simply send hugs with the hope that, in some way, you will be able to find deep peace within.

By the way, the practice I described above is called: "compassionate abiding". Here is a link to a nice mental-health-oriented description of the practice:

Relieve Distress By Allowing It: Compassionate Abiding 11 | Mindset: Perspective Is Everything

May it be of benefit.