I have bipolar disorder and struggled for many years with passive suicidal ideation. I had a lot of reasons to question my worth, purpose, and place in this world since I was also an alcoholic and had been handicapped and unable to work since I was 28. I attempted s/s two years ago when I went off my meds, I became acutely manic, and those things (and more) all seemed like rational reasons to end my life.

I really miss the monotonous and stressful things in life like working and/or going to school because that's where I got to interact with other people. And when you have to stop working, you start to feel disconnected because you feel like you're not a productive member of society. It's true that not all those experiences and interactions are all positive, but trust me you would miss them if they weren't there. A big part of what life is about is our experiences and interactions with others…

My circle is smaller now, and I can't do the things that I used to. I still consider life worth living (most days) because I do what I can, find enjoyment where I can, and have love for others, who have love for me. And I stopped drinking.


I still attribute your search for answers to be partly due to your age, but I think that your mental health is obviously at play here, too. I know that you're frustrated by other people's suggestions that your return to therapy since it didn't help the first time you went. I think that you may not have benefitted because the therapist wasn't a good fit for you. Trying again is a good idea.

I know that you have taken Lexapro for your anxiety, but I'm unaware of any other anti-anxiety or antidepressant meds that you've tried, but sometimes it takes more than one try to get on the right med, and many patients find that their patience is rewarded, at least to some degree. Trying again is a good idea.

I know a lot of people would argue that there are a lot of activities that are healthier than video games, but personally I don't think that they are hurting or helping you, especially since you exercise regularly. If they are something you really enjoy, you should obviously keep playing them.

I wish that we had some magic words to say to you that would help make you more content with the great questions in life, but most of us here are quite a bit older than you and don't suffer from depersonalization. I wish that someone younger and/or someone who has suffered from depersonalization would post and offer some advice that may be more helpful

Don't forget that we care about you, and like to hear how you are doing. We'll do the best we can to offer you the best advice and feedback possible, Sam

Hang in there.
Kay