A couple years ago, I did something that I, now, wish that I hadn't: I destroyed the yearbook - from that year of H.S.; (didn't want anyone reading things others signed in it... nice things but) I didn't want to keep it. If I didn't have to see the book, I didn't have to think about any of it. Good thinking, huh .

It registered when I saw what your husband was thinking about your son (((( Alffe )))).


One of my teachers asked me to be at the reunions, Joe. I just don't know ... yet. I probably shouldn't shut the door on ever going to one. I did look up some classmates last night, and might re-connect with them. Two (twins, so I guess there would be two ) were my best friends: Their artists. One is a stand-up comedian. Another guy from our class is now a Social Worker; he's written on-line about his struggle with alcoholism; he's stated that he's sober now, though .

We'll see, Joe; I might change my mind and go.

what's worse than re-reading what was written in your year book? what YOU wrote in others. lol. weren't we all dorky when it came to those things? i'm sure if you get in touch with some of your classmates bobbi, they will gladley share all those funnies with you.

as painful a time as it was....reach in and find some good. the memories of the goofy stuff. the bad hair do's. the crazy outfits....shoot...how cheap it was to eat a whole meal at mc donalds!

the craziest thing about my graduating class....all 32 of us...is that many married eachother! <barf> 2 even became the coaches at the school.

Bobbi,
I'm so sorry to hear what all you have been going through with this.
I'm not sure I can help you, but know that I would really like to be able to.
I don't know anyone first hand that has commited suicide, though I have been suicidal myself for most of my life even as a small child.

The last time I attempted well let's just say it worked and that I am here now only because it just was NOT my time.
This was about 11 yrs ago and at a time in my life when I wasn't even thinking about it as I had many, many times over the yrs. something happened I won't go in to and I just snapped.

However I'm so happy to hear that you speak to your therapisit about this i'ts important.

I have read so many things here that you say you regret and or wish you hadn't done, remember this always, everything is for a reason and whatever you have done or not was what was meant to be and what you did to get through whatever it was you were going through at that time.

When it comes right down to it the human mind is a wonderous thing, there are so many things from my life that I can not remember and I used to really stress about it and I have come to accept now that this was my minds way of protecting me from things that I just could not handle at that time.
There are times when things come to mind now that I know I would not have been able to handle at any other time in my life and then there are things I know I may never remember and that's okay I can not change what was.

I hope that there comes a time for you soon that you can accept what happened and know that there was nothing you could have done to make it any different, I believe it is very important for people to know the signs to look for, though trust yourself and know somethings you have no control over and just could not change.

This is something I have not talked about in a public forum before, though my children also have been suicidal and actually I know my parents were, my point is I have studied and found that this can be an inheritaed trait as in a chemical imbalance.

I hope I'm making sense to you and that some of what I have said has helped
and if ever I can be of help to you or anyone else, I'm here.

many hugs, LindaM

(((( Thank you, Linda for trusting us to know we value and appreciate that you've also opened up with your words, experience and wisdom )))). Yes, what you have posted helps. You've made total sense .

In addition to my posts in the thread, I think I'm also going to take to counseling the writing I did when while in a group; it was a writers' group and we worked through a book that was entitled something like "Journaling through the Pain." A doctor suggested it.


I would like to see what I wrote in others' year books, Curious; I probably came up with some "winner" pennings .

Bobbi,
I think that suicide is one of those things we just cant get over and sometimes cant get past- its just such a "big" thing, for lack of a better word. Something that we often cannot understand. I spent many years of my life suicidal and have survived the suicide of my young cousin. And as I've aged, Ive found that I grieve for the child/teen I was as well as I sympathize and often feel the same as I did back then. Its a hard thing to keep within, the drive to find oblivion (which I think, for many, is what suicide symbolizes).

I know that I will not get over my cousin's suicide- though I didnt witness it, the images of my imagination are my living nightmare. I can only imagine that your lack of memory is the way that your mind is protecting it- you lived through something horrific and of course it will not only color how you view high school, it changed who you are on a fundamental level.

Just rambling, my heart goes out to the child you were witnessing such a horrific moment...
-B

Suicide, let's say it: It sucks. It doesn't have to be a conversation stopper, which is something that Alffe was/is so right about bringing up for thought. Why so it happens? I really don't know. I suspect it may be because many have fleeting thoughts in its direction, and those do scare the beeee-geeeeze outta people.

Thank you, Sadness, for your views and thoughts. It's all so weighty or heavy and it really does help to get and understand what others know and have been through, and, as sad as it all is.

What I am taking strength in right now, this moment, is seeing that Alffe, Curious and others made it through the darkest of moments. That's inspiration and hope.

There have been times, I will admit, that I don't know why one of my cousins didn't just "end it," Sadness. He had brain cancer. Because he was such a role model, while no one had a clue, I think: I respected how he chose to live. Maybe that's why, too, I am just trying to sort through (in my own thoughts) how some do the "copy-cat" acts that deliver so much sorrow to many.

I'm thinking that after I have the big talk in my counseling, my doc will join the forums. I realize that she needs my okay to say some stuff, but I'm gonna give it.

The honesty in this thread is really profound. I am sure it will help others. It is healing to me.

I always wonder if people who commit suicide really appreciate the finality of death. I know I had attempts that really were cries for help and attention. I definitely did not appreciate the finality and permanence at the time. I was in a soap opera and this was going to be my great dramatic moment of making a point. I didn't "get" that I wouldn't be around to see the fallout that I was trying to create.

Bobbi, I wonder if your friend in H.S. appreciated it. Given that he did it publically in school, that seems telling that it also was to make a statement to others, NOT to end his own suffering as the main goal. Did he leave a note?

I know what you mean about the difficulty in going to those "depths" inside of ourselves for fear it will break a dam that will never stop. Some feelings ARE so deep and painful that we can only access them when we feel strong enough to be overwhelmed with pain and uncontrollable emotions. That's a scary place to go, even if we can only heal and accept when we go there.

I know that I can be teary-eyed, even with strangers, at the drop of a hat because of the sadness that lies within. I think I'm strong and have accepted things, but it takes so little, a simple question or comment from someone, to cause my eyes to water and my lips to tremble. I wonder how to just FEEL it all and get it over with. I think I try to do that, but then, someone will say something and, well, I start tear-ing up again.

Thank you all for being so open and honest. This is such a tremendous discussion. Thank you thank you thank you.

First of all, I'd feel like a total lamer if I don't do this:

((((( Huge Hugs, Farside ))))). I know that I'm glad that you are here with us.

I can relate, too, in ways that you've been so candid about yourself, and in your wondering about whether, at times, some cries for being heard/seen just went beyond the realm of what some anticipate.

Sometimes, possibly, the internal pain is so deep, that it over-rides thoughts of external factors: people and effects. I've been there, and just something hit me, inside, when I knew things were spiraling beyond my control, so I called my counselor. (I had shared that on the BT SD forum and, for now, I just don't want to take myself back to that place of even writing about it; it was a black hole.)

What really caught my eye while reading about one of my classmates doing the comedy is: Repeatedly, my doctors even wondered whether I use humor as a coping mechanism. Well, who doesn't appreciate humor - as long as it is not at the expense of another? But I don't use humor as a deflector. I think I know when ***** is just too much to try sorting through on my own and I am so direct that if my doctors miss things, I'd even have to question: How the F*** did that happen?

What I am realizing by being here is that we each cope in unique ways. Sooo what if you cry, Farside . That's okay. Tears, as I understand, are a cleansing. I'm just want to retain an over-abundance of control and solely because I didn't have it in my childhood. Tears, as was instilled in me by those much bigger and in authority, were a sign of weakness. As an adult, I know (cognitively) that's not true. Tears are a pathway to healing. But, for me, and as it also relates to things I don't want to rehash here: Tears were interpreted - by those whom abuse - as queue to exploit.

That's why I really do fear just crying and having any feeling of vulnerability. My mindset is: Ain't no one going to take advantage. I know not everyone does, but I grew up in a household where that was the staple of daily living. No shocker to my parents I'd say it here since I went through legal processes against them. But I also don't want to beat up on them. I just do the thing that comes first: Try not thinking about anything that summons pain.

Now, I just take life in daily doses... one day at a time. That makes it all feel so much more do-able.

Again, I'm glad you're also here and sharing. It does feel good not to feel so alone in feeling.

I think you all stay up a lot later than I do. It does however make for provacative reading in the early morning. *grin

Losing a loved one to suicide changes something inside forever. The accompanying feelings of guilt and shame are almost impossible to describe to someone who hasn't experienced them. As parents it's our job to protect our children...even from themselves if need be...and when you fail at that, not much else matters.

I raged at God...why my son?I blamed my husband (it was his job to protect all of us)I had to crawl on my hands and knees to the bathroom..unable to rise..for years I barely functioned because I couldn't talk about him...I couldn't talk about his death so I couldn't talk about his life.
I was just stuck in this awful place. I used to scream in the car on the way to the store so I didn't scare my husband.

But we all survived it and I have to say that it takes as long as it takes...there is no time table for grief.

I still get the occasional fool who says things like, "he went straight to hell". But you learn as to stumble along, what works and doesn't work for you..

I learned so much from a dear man named Pter on the old BT. His words..."I chased after death my entire life and now that I'm old and dying, I find myself chasing after life"

252 views on this thread and it weren't just me! it's reaching people bobbi.

i hope if i ever see a counsleor that i'm not told that using humor is bad or wrong thing. i don't thik i ever use it at someone's expense. it's a thought. 1 m&m per smile or laugh that i produce...hmmmm....gotta crunch the numbers on that one.

if i can give somebody one itty bitty ray of sunshine in their day...then it's worth it. those endorphans are priceless. healing.

time to go take lil'monkey to school. i'll be back.....you have been warned!