Hey girlie,
How are you doing today?
((((HUGS)))))
just wanted to send you a hug...post when you can.
bizi

How are you doing? Let us know how you are feeling? I hope that you are getting some rest.

Let us know how things ae going for you girl.

I am so tired. I didn't sleep last night. I have had a lot of my mind. I hadn't heard from my sister for awhile and I was worried about her and my Grandson has been having a few problems with this kid at school but hopefully we have got all of that settled. This kid had been wanting to fight Dustin for a month. Last week, he finally hit Dustin and Dustin beat the crap out of him. This kid stood 6 feet and Dustin is about 5" 2'. One thing about my two grandson's they have been in sports for so long and also learned how to fight to protect themselves. This kid was wanting a rematch. The school has finally jumped in and are working on it. They wait long enough though. My two grandson's are my life so when they get me mad, I get involved. We have taught the boys not to fight just to be fighting but they have to protect themselves.

I am going to crash now. Let me know how you are. I am worried about you.

Ada

I'm struggling a bit but trying to take one day at a time. I get headaches from the ECTs and they're absolutely awful. I tried to get out a little yesterday but I'm so afraid of being around people. I'm so embarrassed and I feel like I'm carrying around a big sign that says I had ECTs. I even have nightmares of them and can envision what was happening while I was having them. And I'm so frustrated with my memory loss and even having a hard time remembering new things. Today I see my pdoc and we'll see what's next and when they plan on turning it back on. I just want to see some improvement and feel like I haven't wasted all this time for nothing.

I am sorry that you are feeling this way.
You will feel better with time and the anxiety will lessen when you are more sure of yourself.
Perhpas you can try to make small trips jsut to get used to being around people. Like go wonder at the grocery store, or walmart or to have a cup of coffee....or tea....
something that doesn't require much interaction but could help with your feeling vulnerable right now....and perhaps a bit isolated.
This takes great effort on your part, and courage.
Baby steps is great!
We are here for you.
((((HUGS))))
bizi

(((BJ))) It does take baby steps.

Hi BJ ...

I remember when my anxiety was really bothering me and how I just felt like absolutely everyone was watching me when I was out in public. One time I was with my 2 young kids and my mom, who was visiting from out of town. She convinced me to sit in a food court at a mall to have a snack even though she knew I was feeling very uncomfortable and anxious. I remember her saying that no one was really looking just at our table so I slowly glanced up and had a brief look around. Then I realized that she was right and it was just my mind playing tricks on me. It was just one of those baby steps.

I also joined a support group and that helped too. We did some role-playing to practice being assertive and then we were video-taped so we could really see how we looked and sounded to others. I didn't want to do it but I was glad that I did because I was pleasantly surprised to see that I looked fine and I sounded normal!

I hope your appointment today with your doctor went well.

I just read a cute story about a stray kitten and I thought you might enjoy it too. There is also a great photo of the kitten with its adoptive mom, a golden retriever.

http://www.news.com.au/dailytelegrap...012895,00.html

I wanted to say that I have really bad memory loss and I haven't had the ETC's. I think a lot of that comes with the depression.

I can't remember what day of the week it is or names, words. There are times I struggle with finding the right word to use in a sentence. I stutter trying to find it.

As far as being out in public. I never liked to do it. I have had panic attacks in Wal-Mart, grocery stores, you name it. I had one so bad in a grocery store that I was getting dizzy and sick to my stomach. I had to make it outside to my truck to sit until I settled down.

I am doing better with those. I have spent years in councelling to deal with a lot of my issues. I keep thinking that the VNS is going to help me but so far it hasn't done a thing for me. I am giving it time though.

I am in hopes that yours will do what it is suppose to do for you. I do feel like though we have a long run ahead of us but hopefully we will get there.

You hang in there and I hope you start feeling better.

Ada

I hope it works for us too Ada. I can't give up on this because it's been too soon. I had an xray today and it looks good so my pdoc is going to turn it back on Monday. I'm not sure what setting but she said I can stay until I feel comfortable with it. I started grief counseling today and it was very uncomfortable. I sat in the corner and didn't open my mouth. As soon as I got there my mind started to race and I couldn't concentrate. I can't explain it but I feel very uncomfortable around people right now. And Tuesday I'm going back to work 1/2 days because I either have to go to grief counseling or see my therapist. I don't know how I'm going to face my co-workers because they know everything now.

Sending you more positive thoughts dear girl. I'll bet those co workers will be very supportive...I know it's going to be hard but please give them a chance to help....and if they don't "get it", if they don't feel your need, then just remember that we are here for you...and we "get it".

Ada...I am so thankful for your presence here and your input...nobody knows that them that's "been there"....

You have nothing to be embarrassed about. We are living in a world where people are more open today about their health problems and in being open you can teach others.

I have people in the medical field watching me to see how I do with the VNS. They are wanting it for themselves or people they know. I am ok with that.

As far as councelling DO stay in it. You will get to where you enjoy it and you have someone to talk to when you are at your lowest times. As I told you, I have been in councelling since 98 and it has saved my life several times. There have been times that I was so suicidal that I called my councellor to talk me out of it. It's like you want to do it but you want to keep going too.

There are people who sometimes are rude about it, I ran into that awhile back on a forum. Luckily, I have been on the forums so long that I have some of the greatest friends on here. They stood up for me. It didn't take much from them though, I have gotten to the point that when someone bites me, I bite back. LOL

I am so excited for you that you will get this on Monday. I am hoping with your meds and the VNS that you will start seeing some difference.

I will say what hurts me with it is that I have too many medical problems also. We can't get my pain level down enough for me to concentrate on anything else.

I have had so many people to embrace me and help me and I know you are getting that here. You know you are loved and cared about by the friends you have made here and also your co-workers. Don't go to work feeling like the VNS is a bad thing. If anyone ask, explain it to them and you'd be surprised the response you get.

Thank you Alffe, for your kind words. No one does know what a person goes through until they walk in their shoes. It's so hard to understand a person with the issues that we have.

I told you the story about my childhood friend that hung himself after we had grown up and were working together at Century 21. He was the main guy there and we rode to see a house and we talked in the back seat, about his childhood and his Mom. I knew every bad thing that had happened to him except being molested by his Dad. He told me about it. A month later he was gone. I tried to figure out why I didn't pick up on what he was saying and how he was saying it. I felt guilty for the longest time. I have been on both sides of the spectrum.

Today, I fight depression and suicidal tendencies so bad. It's a dailey thing and having a councellor that I can call up and talk to has made a difference.

That's why BJ, I encourage you to keep the councelling up. What help you don't find with the VNS and the meds, you will find with a confidant.

I hope you get some rest tonight and we will talk this weekend.

What is funny with me is my voice. It goes down to a whisper a lot and I have to tell people when I start talking to them that it will go down due to the VNS. I teased my Dr. and told him I couldn't yell at no one because of my voice going down to a whisper.

Ada