It is just too much.....
If i look at myself or anything closely i cry floods of tears.
Finally the tears have come...

Oh God.

Thanks, Scrabble. I like that tree too :D No. That's not me. She looks a lot like me, though. Short gray hair, short fat body :D That photo doesn't have any antlers, though :D



((((((Bamboo)))))),

I DO NOT WANT you buying any knives (or borrowing any either for that matter). You ARE NOT going to make a permanent decision about anything when you're this upset.

Somebody mentioned asking your body what's wrong. That's a very good idea. Drawing a picture of your body sometimes answers questions. I've found that if I sit in a real quiet place (maybe on that park bench of yours) and draw a picture of my body with big paper and big, fat crayons, I can figure out why I am so upset.

I don't think you need to do that, though. I think YOU KNOW why you are so upset.

Let's pretend to switch places for just five minutes. If you were me and I were you and you knew everything about me, what would you tell me?? What do you say to someone that is in so much pain and so much hurt and so many tears??

I usually say: "I wish that I could take away the pain. I wish more than anything that you didn't have to go through this."

You know something, though, Bamboo, the only way through is through. I lost my Brother to suicide when I was 22. He was 21. That'll be 41 years tomorrow. I tried for years and years to join him.

Until I drew that big picture with the big, fat crayons and I could see what I was doing to myself. I had to stop trying to join him and decide to stay here.

That's what you have to do -->> decide to stay here. **HERE**, you have us to listen to you and to help you and to love you and to care about you and to support you. If you make a stupid decision, you don't know what you'll have. If you don't succeed in killing yourself, you might be in even more pain than you are now. If you do succeed in killing yourself, you're throwing away all the love and support and caring that we're offering. WE ARE LISTENING TO YOU. Talk to us.

I know how hurt and crippled I felt when my Brother left me. I don't want you to do that to me too. I don't deserve that. You don't deserve that.

I've spent enough time on both sides of the hurt to know that it's better and safer to stay where you KNOW you can get help then to venture off in another direction trying to get another batch of unhearing people to hear you.

STAY RIGHT HERE AND TALK TO US. What's gonna happen in two weeks?? Tell me the words.

PROMISE ME that you will not buy a knife and you will not borrow a knife.

If you feel a real strong knife-buying urge that you can't control, pick up the phone and dial 9-1-1 and tell them you're suicidal.

Stay strong. Stay safe. Talk to us. BIG HUGS.

Barb :hug:

I drew that picture. It was like feeling my heart before. I'm amazed i can still draw.
It is not much - a big black mass with big question marks all around it with anger and pain splashed across for good measure.
It doesn't mean much. Just that i cannot connect with who i am or was anymore. I am sitting here as two different people. Me writing this and the other me is floating just above my head. My body and me do not link up. Although my fingers are moving and spilling all this out, i do not feel as though i am writing it.
I am disconnected. I am a black mass. I am a monster. I want to be normal but i am not. How can i explain when everything i truly am does not fit in with what people expect? Confident helen is actually lying in a crumpled heap on the ground. A nothing.

I can see myself plodding along, doing everything that is expected of me, noone really suspecting. I can see red pain. I just see pain day after day. I see myself getting up and going to lectures but all i will be thinking about is getting out of here. I can see myself doing an essay that i will not expect to hand in. I will function till the end. And all that time i will get more and more angry. That end feels close because i honestly do not know how much more pain i can take. I think i have exceeded my limit.

I am angry because if i am really honest i don't think i deserve to be looked after. To feel like this. Who am i to take up other people's time? I am ashamed. I think people will laugh at me. How can confident, bouncy, smiley helen think about suicide....she is such a drama queen...I am ashamed because i was unable to change my thoughts and even the very idea of someone telling me where i'm going wrong and how to think differently makes me want to scream.

I have brought this upon myself and i cannot get out of this pit.

Dear Bamboo,

If you cannot wait two weeks for your appointment, go to the hospital now. They will see you.

I think that you express yourself in writing very well. Print out everything that you wrote here and bring it with you. You will find the treatment that you seek.

I am sorry that that uni counselor was so horrible to you. Try to forget about her. She is garbage. You will get the care you seek. And you will feel better soon.

Please go to a hospital.

Mari

Bamboo, when you talk of pain do you mean you are having physical pain with symptoms or are you meaning emotional pain?

Have you had a physical recently and a complete blood work panel done.

Hormones, thyroid, that sort of testing??
Could be something changed and some of these feelings is the result of that.

Did anything set this off or has it been slowly building overtime?

Can you tell us about the 'other" helen?
Maybe we can help figure out why you have disconnected from that part of your self.

Bamboo,
I thought I'd post the link with your first posts as they have more of the history and story so you don't have to re type.

http://neurotalk.psychcentral.com/sh...ad.php?t=30397

I am in chat if you want to join me there...the link is on the blue line called chat rooms.
bizi

I'm sorry but how can i go to a hospital? I go to casuality and i say i feel sucidal? Do i then sit around till a dr has the time to see me? They will just think i'm mad.

This has been a continal build up since i was 11 but more in the last 5 years. I'm seriously tired. It probably does not sound long to you but i'm weak...

The 'other' helen....the best i can describe her as is a very very big mass, but at the same time not the helen you would see on a daily basis. I often wonder at that because she takes over my mind so i don't understand how she doesn't get through to other people. I cannot put my finger on what she is, she is elusive. She is definately of a different consistency to normal things though. I have often had the feeling that if i jumped out of a window, on the way down the two parts of me would become whole.

I seem to be very aware of where things are. I know one part of me is sitting to the right of my head right now. I know that 'i' dont reach the tips of my fingers, 'i' am about a cm away. It is not that i am numb. I am just not whole.

Maybe we can chat some ohter time when you feel like it.
I am sorry that you are hurting so...
please keep venting, talking and sharing with us here.
((((((HUGS)))))
bizi