Hi Bamboo

I saw your post on BP site, and whilst reading this site noticed your posts.

Bamboo.....Where do i begin..Firstly your poem was fantastic, your command of the English language is a credit to you. I am deeply concerned about how you have been feeling lately, and would like to share another commonality we have. ................Suicidal thoughts.

Many years ago i practically cut off my left hand. Sadly i cut the Median nerve and tendons, which i'm reminded of every day... of that event. The median nerve affects the feelings in the hand and fingers, and nearly fifteen years on I have permanent pins and needles in that hand.
After that episode my world fell apart, i was shunned, ignored, and castigated like a lepper. No one understood except my wife [ but it took her a week to talk to me] The in-laws took two years.

Over the years i've had recurrent bouts of depression mood swings, ups downs, and yes Suicidal thoughts. more so when my mood swings, up or down [usualy down] But these awful thoughts are their because of BP, [ i know now thank GOD] it has not made them disappear but i know, with support help, AND meds, i will survive. My true purpose in life is to hang around AND annoy everyone L.O.L.

Bamboo as soon as you feel these thoughts arriving, you must tell yourself that you are unwell. Then Get in a taxi, and go straight to A+E AND TELL THEM YOU FEEL SUICIDAL. I promise you, you will be seen immediately, you wont even have to sit in the waiting room. I have attended A+E a dozen times in 18 years [only once having hurt myself] but each time a valid and horrific reason. Ive spent time in hospital and each time recovered to some normality.

But by attending hospital in a psychotic way Doctors have now eventually joined up all the dots and given my condition a name.
IF you want people to know your in pain YOU HAVE TO TELL THEM HELEN.


As i said to you before the UK out patients system is crap, dont wait Helen, go directly to the source of help when you need it the most. YOU are the most important person your ever going to meet,in this world, and the rest of us travelling in this world want to meet you befriend you, share the rest of your life with you., work with you talk, and laugh with you. The world deserves to have in it Bamboo ....Helen, an intelligent, nature loving, kind hearted , and likeable SOUL like you in it.

You have the skills and knowledge of life, and humanity, to offer this world great things, you just dont know it yet. But whilst i'm on this planet, i'm going to keep telling you.


TAKE CARE OF YOU.

DAVID

Let me know how your doing now and then.


YOU ARE A WINNER, A SURVIVOR, AND A GREAT GIFT TO THIS WORLD

Thank you. This post may be triggering, so i understand if you edit it or delete it entirely.

I'm having another awful night david so your post means a lot. I've just finished crying to my friend...she said she was annoyed tonight because i haven't been there for her the last few wks although she knows why i have not and wants me to share....but it makes me feel awful and the entire night i have only been thinking one thing.

My right arm hurts alot. I kept repeating the same thing over and over again. It is worse than ever before. Oh God.

I am so sorry for saying all this over again. I dont know what is wrong with me these days, i cannot handle anything. No one understands. I'm so sorry, So sorry.
I'm really sorry. I can't explain. I'm so sorry.

I agree with David here...he knows your system and has given you some great advice.
Please don't keep hurting yourself.
WE want to understand your pain and anguish,,,,take it out here instead of on yourself.
((((HUGS))))
bizi

Bamboo............

Good morning Helen, i sincerley hope today is a calmer day for you. Sometimes its good to talk to friends who are asking you to explain your thoughts, true freinds will stay around, digest what your saying and try to help.
If your being used by freinds to listen to all of their problems, then its time to be SELFISH.

We spend so much time helping others that at times we neglect ourselves.

Self harming Helen is not the answer, it may relieve some of the anxiety and stress your suffering, but its an addiction in a way. its repeted because you get release from it but spiritualy its soul destroying, and potentialy extremely harmfull and damaging.

Keep writing on here, write pages and pages if need be, it lets this volcano of emotion release and your not hurting yourself in the process, it will evoke tears which are natures way of telling us were un happy, yet thay release hormones to comfort us. I force myself to cry, playing music that makes think of life its a great method because again no ones hurt. [ you might **** off a few room mates or neighbours, but what the hell.


Take time today to concentrate on you, focus on the smallest detail, take the longest bath, change a hundred times until your wearing the perfect outfit. Take yourself to the student union, you dont have to talk to anyone if you dont want to but you will be arround humans, and all of their frailties... listen to pepole arround you it takes your mind off your own thoughts.


DONT BE ALONE TODAY, BE SOMEWHERE,

TAKE CARE OF YOU


YOU MATTER, IN THIS WORLD

((((((Helen)))))),

David's right. You *DO* matter



We've all either heard or gone through just about everything. You can talk to us about anything. We don't judge, because we've been there.

If it's hard to put the words on 'paper' (computer screen), you could start out by talking about the weather. We're having rain here. I can't take my scooter out in the rain. Rats!! I was looking forward to going to the coffee shop to get a GIGANTIC coffee roll. Maybe I'll make pumpkin bread instead

We just want you HERE among us, where we can listen to you and support you and care about you and love you

BIG HUGS.

Barb

Sending you hugs, concern and caring..... lots of caring

((((((bamboo)))))))

i know how very hard it is for you right now. please be sure you keep any wound clean. use neosporine.

keeping your hands busy can help. keep replying to us here. we all really care.

BAMBOO


How are you doing today Helen? Are you off next week, half term or are you in UNI? I hope next week is kinder to you, more peacfull, and look forward to seeing you post,

dont forget, : YOU MEAN SOMETHING TO THIS WORLDDavid.

Thanks,

Yeh i'm at uni, it should be a reading week but i'm in 4th yr and my course doesn't really do that unfortunately. Things are the same i guess. I'm not throwing myself off the edge anymore, i'm more wandering around aimlessly for absolutely no reason. I have so much work to do, i have an essay in for next wk plus loads of projects to do - i had to pick the course where i need to work with ppl 24/7 didn't i.....it is not getting done really, i sit staring at the screen hoping for my brain to click into place. It hasn't. Something that should take an hour takes about 24 in my world. It hasn't been helped by a chest infection...i guess my body is revolting against me as well as my mind.

The worst part though is that I have come to the 'i am being so self absorbed, i am so lucky to have what i do' stage whilst at the same time feeling awful and not being able to be appreciative or really feel that. So i feel guilty. I feel bad for writing even here....i feel bad for writing so much on a post in cyber space....stupid.

if i was given the option of happiness or not existing, right now y'know i'm not sure i would choose happiness.

Hi Bamboo

We haven't met yet... I'm Addy.

I have been reading along following the wonderful support you've been receiving here.
DO NOT, for one more minute, GUILT over what you have shared with us. SHARING is what HELPS US!!! It helps YOU and it helps ME.
None of your experiences here will be in vain.

Trust yourself and, most of all, listen to your gut. (Sometimes, for us survivors, our guts are smarter than our brains and our hearts... what's up with that? )
I think your gut is telling you its ok to post here...

I'm compelled to pipe up today to hopefully add something more for you to ponder.

You mentioned that you have a chest cold.
FOR ME, when I come down with a cold, its an "AH - HA!!!" moment!

I look back at the week before the cold... was I getting enough sleep... was I overwhelmed with all my "projects"... was I sitting inside rather than walking in the sunshine... was I stressing more than usual...
what were the triggers... what brought me to this damn place again?

It has taken me years to recognize that when I was rundown, my depression sky rocketed and I usually got sick - usually around my monthly menstrual cycle.

You sound like an extremely creative intelligent young woman.
Depression is a part of you, of me... of most of us here. We all make choices as to what we do with it each day. I gather strength from knowing I'm not alone.

In this forum (and the one that preceeded this one - another time, another place) I have learned about courage, perseverance, forgiveness, compassion, and friendship.

Now, Helen, tell me what would give you happiness at this moment?
Its probably a difficult question to answer right now.
But think of just one little thing - like having a good nights sleep - and accomplish just that one little thing...
its certainly something you can cross off your list and feel proud that you did it!

Today, I have many things on my list. I'm overwhelmed by them... so I use my stove timer... I prioritize the list and actually stop when the timer "beeps" telling me its time to move on.
That way, I don't forget about "me time".

from all of us here