A Thousand Whys
 

I look into the Father's eyes
And wrestle with a thousand whys
Why this? Why now? Why him, not I?

The hurt, the rage, unbridled pain
Erupting from my soul again.
If that's the way it's going to be
Then build Your Kingdom without me.

But then, again, where could I go
To hear a word of hope, and know
The promise that beyond the pain
The ballad has a glad refrain?
But what for now? And how can one
Still vocalize "Thy will be done"?

And soon I hear a song begin,
Celestrial, but from deep within,
A new yet ancient melody
Of joy and pain, disharmony.
Or do the strains combine somehow,
A lovely paradox of sound?

****************

by David B. Biebel If God is so Good, Why do I hurt so bad?

http://www.musicforthesoul.org/chaos.html

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I'll Leave it Inside of Me
 

I look in the mirror
This is what I see
A reflection
A reflection of me

I see not only me
But the little girl
Who lives inside of me

She's not very old
Her heart is made of glass
Her eyes are red
Because there are tears

Her heart is breaking
She's not sure what to do
She wants to tell
But she knows no one will understand

Her parents
Well, they used to care
But they are no longer here
They cannot therefore see
What is happening to this little girl

When people do show
That they honestly care
She does not accept it
For fear of being hurt

The little girl
Who lives inside of me
Is no longer seen
There is only the adult me

The adult me
Is torn between
What she wants to do
And what she knows she has to do

Conflict, chaos
Wells up inside
The past is a heavy load to carry
Just want it to go away

Feeling of shame and guilt
Blaming self for events
For situations I put myself in
And situations that just happened

I don't know
If what I have written
Makes sense to anyone but me

There's another part
Of this poem, you see
It's a part that cannot be written
For now, I'll leave it inside of me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q5W5y0R57oc

**********************

Just words... I know they don't make sense.
 

I'm tired of you pain
please just go away

you are making my life miserable
each and every day

I tried to make you my friend
to see if you would ease

but you make my life such he11
it's time for you to leave

you started out as physical
my body you set aflame

Now it's so much more
and I know you are to blame.

My mind's messed up,
my heart it aches.

please just go, just disappear
before you find more of me to break.

Abbie
2008http://th17.photobucket.com/albums/b..._symbol_11.gif

OUCH ON THE COUCH-TINA-
Why do you always grow so big and mean?
When the weather changes to a winter scene
And when the rain comes dripping down
You multiply and without a sound.
The breezes and wind must feed you well
In them your dancing wildly feels like hell.
So now you got me in your grip
With electrical claws you tear and rip
And fill my face with fire waves.
How do you decide who becomes your slaves?
My jaw it dances pogo to painful beat
And my normal-ness sits back seat.
And all the while no one can see
The T.N. monster torturing me.
You’ve taken half my smile away
A half a smile is how ill stay
Funny all this and you still
Have not over taken my will
One time soon you shall see
Ill force you to leave me be.
Then ill pass the answers along
Ways to keep you where you belong.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = == =
LOSE FACE -TINA-
That nerve is severed for good,
like a twig breaking meekly underfoot.
Pain the wave tearing rips,
Electrical lightening whips.
All day that blanket snapped and swelled.
You had to speak as if your lips
would do anything to leave your face.
If speaking was at all possible…
Your lips would beg just that!
Instead nerves sparked and twitched
in a Static wave of crossed signals
That turned viciously ferocious
By the simplest things many
Hold for granted!
All day that blanket snapped and swelled,
You had to speak as if your lips
would do anything to leave your face.
===============================

DOCS- TINA-
Waiting in trepidation
which docs will I see?
Four are waiting,
but just two for me.
Will they be noble and kind?
Will they have compassion and smarts?
Be well trained, patient and gentle?
Will they put me back on heavy meds?
Or Rx. Me something new
Will they take away the only
Relief I ever knew?
Will they get a hold of me
poke my at face, tweak with my mouth
put me back in a cage that I have to get out?
Will they help my tremoring jaw?
Gosh I can’t wait just hem and haw!
I hope they power up a battery,
And set me off sweet and free!
I really do not want to go
I hope they …I hope they know

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = -

ELETRIC NIGHTMARE -TINA
Powerful, profound
Hidden from view
Anesthesia dolorosa
Neuro stimulator
Trigeminal neuralgia, to cope, accept, deal
Out of options for now
My face, mouth, my teeth, my lip

Present always, part of me
A horrible monster to tame
Inside, in charge, IS REAL
Not understood, nerve snapped, not giving in.

===================================

INSIDEOUT-Tina -
Pain is hard to express,
When invisible to all the rest.
Looking “normal” in every regard,
though my lip feels burnt and charred!
Biting breeze, a clawed up mess,
Wonder if there’s hanging flesh?
I touch my face even though
Electric jolts will shoot I know.
Still I poke, test this pain.
Searching for limits again and again,
Twitching jaw I can’t stand.
I hold it still with my hand,
Praying the leads won’t further move…
When my nerve is in a groove.
Been on all the medication,
Thank my guide for meditation
Doctors are at wits end
Thank my God for my friend’s
The world doesn’t understand this much
Thank ALMIGHTY for healing touch.
I don’t think there IS a cure.
I believe but I’m not sure,
The answer is inside of me.
To accept myself what must be,
Learn to cope and how to react.
When the monster begins to attack,
And pass along, yes need to share.
To hear that another dose care…
To say you’re not alone,
Living in the face pain zone.
Invisible to most but not to “us”
We have been thought some incredible stuff
-------------------------------------------
All of the above poems are posted on the T.N.A. site for patients support in the art section :)

And last is One of my Tag poems I play tag poetry :Heart::heartthrob: in the creative forum we have here.:heartthrob::circlelove:Love that forum:cool:
-------------------------------------------------

M E D S -BMW-
Hi ho hi ho
To the doctors I go
Pamalor, Depakote, Baclofen
Tegregtol, Xanax, Doxepin
Zanaflex,, Diazepam, Neurotin
Methadon, Morphine,Pregabalin
Morphin drip this time
Meth. patch help? No sign!
Cannot forget the one not prescribed.
Few of the street drug tried ,
Some of the Cocaine,
Yes and Mary Jane.
Booze and caffeine,
Cigarettes filling up with nicotine.
A mask for the pain, to stop a fall,
All the drugs that built a wall.
When your body turns its back on you,
At some point your mind dose too.
I have a Neuro stimulator now,
Mixes the signals somehow.
Better then any drug or med I must say
Med and drug free, I’ve gotten away,
Five years now and still am today well cept :rolleyes: for cigs :(
-----------------------------------------

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PIcgqemzVWM

**********************

Very nice Tina....thanks for sharing:)

lyrics
 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8seht9Jo1HU
my reality ~ life goes on...

Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though it’s breaking
When there are clouds in the sky, you’ll get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You’ll see the sun come shining through for you

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That’s the time you must keep on trying

Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile