Its 12.50am

And once again Im hitting the drink.

Why?

I started work today on training ...out of the Hostel for four hours.
I returned to a situation not of my [new] co-workers making.

One of the residents had two visitors in his room, knowing he is allowed one, but took advantage of the new worker.. To difuse any situation i said when they leave i would reiterate the rules.

My Co-worker then went around posting memos to all residents. He returned stating the chap with the visitors opened the door and his room reaked of Canabis.

I went to the room and insisted on entry, i firstly explained the visitor policy, then question the use of canabis on the project[ by now the window was open and i could not smell anything but all in the room appeared as high as a kite.

The resident of that room denied drug use in the room and sadly used his usual excuse of 'why are you picking on me'.

To difuse the situation i left the room stating i would talk to him tomorrow. And reminded him the visitors must leave at 9pm.

At the same time of this situation going on i had another resident walking around like a Volcano ready to errupt. it took 4hours to convince him to go to A+E[ER] and i had liased with a duty social worker to inform the hospital of his forthcoming attendance. He had aired he was on the verge of killing himself or anyone else who got in his face.
The hospital phoned and a Psyc..triage nurse asked me my opinion of his state of mind and risk or selfharm or other harm. of which i gave 9 months of my knowledge of this person and his recent 3 month spiral into a decline of latterl thinking.

she spoke also to this person. Who came over polite and rational, and refuted his threats of self harm. An arrangement was made to see him tomorrow but the triage nurse said he was not showing signs of mental illness and sounded rational.

By now it was 10pm And the resident with two visitors had not booked them out. Myself and the night worker went to his room , because at 9pm whilst i was dealing with resident [2] the other resident told the night worker his visitors had gone. I knew this to be untrue as i had seen nobody leave.

On knocking his door he said they had left. I asked for entry to check the room , he was unaccopanied , yet blatantly smoking a joint.[ again to difuse a confentation, i will deal with this tomorrow] I checked two other rooms . in The second room the resident plus an other resident stated no one was there, yet i found the two visitors in a cupboard.


I said leave now and they did, i told the two rewsidents i would talk to them tomorrow.


What is the point of this article you may be asking?

I truely want to give support to those who need support, and to those who abuse the system i want not to support.

I know the resident who allowed visitors in his room, openly smoke canabis and then allow them to go off to another residents room will be in serious trouble tomorrow. And will be Evicted imediately [ He is on his final-final-final that's how hard we have tried warning] I also know this individual will not leave peacefully and all hell will break loose, followed by continued intimidation and threats [as before] I know the other two residents involved may also be evicted...because of prior resident......and there involvement in concealing visitors


And while all this is going on one resident thinks his world has come to an end, but pride stands in his way to tell those that matter how he feels....I am bemused, angry, frustrated , sad, depressed, ...


I equally know that management support tomorrow will be minimal, and the 'Phone the police if it gets ugly' tune will be relayed.

I often wonder why i give a S....t...Because those in power to make descisions...obviously dont.


At home i have 15 year old son who i love dearly, but presently despise, because of his attitude and mannerism's to my wife, his MOTHER.

I have heard all the teeenage syndrome rubbish, and sadly it dose not wash. He has not been brought up that way to behave, yet seems non remoresefull when he reacts to whatever she says.
In the past i have reacted with force, and this backfires on me, as my wife then blames me for what i do as punishment. Iam lost bewildered and void of how to deal with him.

My inner feelings towards his current behaviour are of hatred [ strong words i know, but thats the Bi-Polar in me things are black and white in my world there is no GREY. This is because unlike the female speices[ and this is not a sexist statement] When my sons upset my wife they realy upset me because they are attacking my soul mate.

when i am under attack by the boys, my wife will always defend them... its nature. i Believe in the invisible umbilical cord. [still attached] men dont have this bond......


prime example... when mywife gave birth... i was there but saw neither delivery... as i was concentrating on my wife and her pain...it distressed me so much i'm sure i had post natal depression.....my now 15 year old was 6 months [ when i cut my wrist severly].


Im now rambling on .................I want to know what is expected of us as human beings.....yes i tried to end my life......and for 14 years i've tried to give back to society and support those in need [ call it pennance],...but i'm so tired of this draining feeling.....i would welcome any prayers........i used to believe in God [ i stil do, but dont go to church or express my religfous oppinions anymore] and in 1985 i was on the verge of becoming a Pentecostal Pastor........to this day i believe the power that be...had an other plan.....i just dont know what it is yet...I know many of you have a steady religious conviction, and this is something i will not,... or do not knock... but i really wonder at times ...my purpose in life and my role in this universe... I have tried in my 43 years to be kind, respectfull, understanding. yet i struggle in my every day... why?...

Im sorry to put this out but ned to write how i feel right now...I feel anxious, demoralised, and fretful...feelings i dispise in myself, and my biggest hang up is i HATE CONFRENTATION OF ANY KIND [ weak you might say or cowardly] but my worst fear is loosing control... Throughout my life my moods are internal, i never [intentionaly] want to hurt anyone. I feel though theses inner secretets and thoughts are un-healthy, yet i cant share them [until i found this site].

I TRUELY FEEL A FRAUD......i know i'm more fragile than most of the people i support......

David

you dear david,
remember to take care of you too...

Dear David -------
I am SO GLAD you came to talk to us.
It sure sucks that you're having such a rotten time but it's good that you are talking about it. Please, Please keep going.

And remember that you're going to have a hard time at work tomorrow so don't drink any more, OK?

david...i'll post more in a bit...i have to get grandmonkey to bed and i just saw your post.

saying a quick prayer and a big

((((((David)))))),



I understand wanting to take care of people -- me too But, why do it as a penance??

'Penance' implies 'punishment'. What or who (whom??) made you judge and jury AND criminal??

'Penance' is a religious term and is usually a priest/minister directing that you say a bunch of prayers and G-d will forgive you. It does not imply years-and-years of staying in a situation that seems to not "fit" you and that you seem to not really "enjoy".

Don't you think the penance or the punishment was paid for long ago??

As to your son. I know how you feel My son got all caught up into 'stuff' that was not what I and his father taught him. There are a lot of other influences on children nowadays than ever in the history of the planet. My son's spent the last 9+ years in prison for road rage. A lot of teenage boys and young man are afflicted with horrendous bouts of rage -- not just here in the U.S., but everywhere.

Usually kids or young adults act 'inappropriately' because they're hurting in some way. If you act like you and your wife are a TEAM and your son is not part of that team, what kind of behaviour do you expect?? I understand that commitment to spouse -- my husband and I had that. A closeness that is so tight that it excludes everyone else. It's not really healthy.

Have you tried taking your son someplace quiet -- a park or a corner in a coffee house and just telling him how you feel. Scared. Worried. Lost. Without interjecting that he's coming between you and your wife. I know those aren't the words that you said, but, that's the FEELING that gets communicated. Voice-of-experience talking here.

You know, David, I'm a big believer in The Universe (or G-d or a Higher Power) guiding you to where you need to go next. Situations keep coming up again and again because you haven't mastered a skill that you absolutely MUST HAVE.

You've had a day where people disrespected you and and other people and the rules. You don't like confrontation. Fighting scares you. You feel like you're in hell (or jail) paying for some crime that you think you should be punished for.

You even apply more punishment -->> the drinking -- on top of everything else.

David, you sound exactly like me when I was younger. You know something, David you don't have to pay anymore, the fine has been paid many times over.

Try spending some quiet time with your son without the emotional baseball bat. Just listen quietly. See if you can understand where he's coming from.

And try looking at the 'things' in your life -- work, training -- and see if they should still be part of your life. Do they make your life better?? Do they make life easier or better for other people?? Maybe it's time to think about a change in direction for you.

I wish you weren't hurting. I understand it and remember it so well. I wish more than anything that no one ever had to feel like that again.

One thing I know with ABSOLUTE CERTAINTY -- you do not need to pay anymore. The fine has been

Stay strong. BIG HUGS.

Barb

Well David, I, for one, feel very touched to read your words and to know you better
Thank you for being painfully honest.

I do not want you to feel weak because you turned to drink tonight. I know you're going to beat yourself up... it can be a vicious circle... so, if you can... allow yourself forgiveness tomorrow

We all turn to that which helps us forget.

You've got a hell of a good reason to feel the way you're feeling right now. You are very atune to who you are and I commend you for recognizing what brought you to where you are today.

I think that recognizing the problem(s) is a huge accomplishment... and it seems to me that you are very knowledgeable...

right now you're in a situation that you know you can't change.

All I know is this - the only thing you can change is yourself.... and once you change your reactions, your situation, your location, your job, ... whatever IT is that is creating havoc in your life...
then things will get better again.

I can't write too much right now... maybe I've written enough... maybe I'll be back later... maybe I won't...

Hang in there David.
This too, shall pass!
And if you can stay home tomorrow, stay home... I think you need a mental health day.

I hear your frustration David and I understand how maddening life can be at times. The only thing that really works for me is to try to do the world one person at a time.

The wisest man who ever lived said "Above all else, guard your heart, for it affects everything you do". And since you are the gatekeeper of your family, you're not just responsible for your own heart...but their's too. And it an awesome responsibility.

I'm always hesitant to spout advice about "how to do it...how to do it better..because our only son killed himself, so what do I know about anything.

It's hard to understand other peoples' behavior...we see them as "guilty" instead of "innocent". selfish and meanspirited and of course we react to that.
It makes us human I guess.

Oh that we could redefine the behavior, and find compassion!

Thank you for sharing! We all feel that we know you better.

I do appologise................


occassionaly i get out off myself....

Please understand my job is only stressfull when People dont want to change........

More so its stressfull when those in higher positions expect the un-expected or are not at hand to help to difuse situations.

Last week was bad but thankfuly is under control...Penance [MOOSE] is a term used when i truley feely im not helping someone in my job. And although an individual; has the right to do want they want i tend to feel i've failed when they mess up.

I love my job, yet realise there is a more important skeem of things... i intend to look more into the policy/stratergy on homlessness and its implications and more preventative measures... HOW I DONT KNOW.

bUT Hopefuly if i knock loud enough a door might open.

Thank you all

once again i'm sorry..........

((((((David)))))),

Nothing to apologize for ... but, thank you for doing so anyway.



Keep yourself safe. Take GOOD CARE of your SELF. And bless you for wanting to help other people; that's more rare than you know.

Hugs.

Barb

David

No need to apologize for venting - dis be da place. Better us than those young men - they might just blow cannabis smoke in your face. THEN what would you do?

Good luck on your quest to get to the root of this problem....and, yes, bless you for being on the front lines in trying to help these young men. I can only begin to imagine how stressful your job can be.