This is just a portion of an article in todays paper by Jeff Herring who is a marriage and family therapist. It's too long to post here but I was attracted by the part that said:

How to move on, heal and live well.

Talk about it. Many of us mistakenly believe that if we keep it inside it won't bother us. Quite the opposite is true. Remember the character Tom Wingo in "Prince of Tides: and the damage done by not talking about the trauma that had happened in his family? Many times, getting it out in the open can make it manageable.

Forgive those involved. Forgiving does not condone what someone else did, it simply releases us from the pain of their actions.

Most importantly, follow this favorite advice of mine:
"Make a place for the event in your life and then put it in its place."

It's important to remember that it did happen and it did affect you. At the same time, its place is in the past, much like a chapter in a book you have read and choose not to read again.

If you want to but are unable to follow these suggestions, you may want to get professional help putting the past behind you.

Thank you ((MS. Alffe)). The insights you share with all of us are wonderful, just as you are.

Thank you Doody...if only I could internalize the stuff I read. ~sigh
Or quit reading it...or throw it out!!

I do it to myself sometimes....came across the letters from Michaels girlfriend while she was in Florida with her parents. (now I've downgraded her to his girlfriend) What possible purpose does it serve to keep these..to reread them?? But there they are..a neat stack with a rubberband around them.
Surely I won't move them to a condo some day.

I don't need a connection...he's everywhere but most importantly he's in my heart.

Accckkkkkkkkkkk...I'm tired of me. I'm tired of January.

for the room.

{{{{HUGS}}}}} for alffe!!!!!

Very special thoughts and hugs to you and Mr Alffe for the January yucks. (Mine come in July)

Are you finding a warm place to ride them out? You are always welcome here!

Maybe you keep those letters because you need to be reminded of something, or have someone to blame, or that they are just a connction to HIM. I guess you will know when it is time to throw them away.

Find some peace and have soome fun diversion while you are gone

Welcome home dear lady. I think your state will be a tad overloaded very soon but thank you for thinking of us.

I know that you understand all too well having walked this walk.

Well, I don't know about anyone else, but I do know that my mind plays tricks on me. It's as if my memories are in a filing system in my brain and despite thinking that some memories are locked away in places where they are long forgotten, from time to time they just sneak out and surprise me. Maybe I'm going senile or something, but this seems to be happening more and more.

At times I think it's maybe a purging mechanism whereby I'm doing a type of 'spring clean' because I can be just going about my everyday business when "pop" out comes something I really didn't want to deal with right there and then but heck... there it is.

I think that keeping things like letters or really old photographs or other little tangible treasures like that is maybe our way of remembering something other than the shocking and bad memories we have. Because we can touch them and they have probably got a smell to them (even if it's age smell) and I personally think that our senses are so involved in memories. Think of the times when we smell something and it takes us back. I was cutting up a watermelon the other day. It was just right and it was crisp and the smell was so overwhelming. It took me back to my childhood and all these memories started falling out of their little compartments and they were good memories.

Alffe, you may never re-read them again. I don't know. Maybe you will keep them always. I don't see that as such a bad thing if it was me, but for you that might be different. The fact that you question having the letters still and I think you've mentioned them here before makes me think that you may not be ready to let go of them. Whether that's because your son sounded really happy in the letters, or if it reminds you of happier times, or even if it gives you some tactile reminder (one that affects your senses... touch or smell etc.). Maybe you will take them to a condo one day. Then again you may not. You just need to do what you have to do and I guess that the fact you've not thrown those letters away before now shows that it just wasn't the right time.

I don't necessarily agree with what Jeff Herring said in the original post. I don't think it's such a good or healthy thing to put something in a place as if it's a chapter of a book that's been read and we choose not to read it again. I do understand that there are things we need to deal with in certain ways and that's not so darn easy and it's not always something that other people can help us to do. I think, like those memories that keep falling out of my own head, that they're always there in some compartment/filing system which are in our brains. It's not as if we can purge them totally. We can tidy up our filing system of memories, but they're all still in there somewhere. Just one of those darn mysteries of our minds.

What I think we need to do is to keep on remembering that we are loved and that we have loved and that others do love or have loved us and to keep comfortable and safe during the really horrible and difficult times. Sorry to ramble on so much. I hope this is understandable. I just have a lot of thoughts about how memories work and how the senses affect them and I don't believe it's possible to move on as if it's a finished chapter in a book, but heck, that's just me.



You are loved. You also have loved others greatly and sometimes that's the most important thing to remember in our lives, whether they have realized it or not.

Your words are so comforting Lara. I almost feel like I have permission to feel whatever it is I feel. Thank you...I'd like to say a lot more but don't trust myself right now...trying to resist my impulses so I don't have to delete them.

If only the love had been enough I'd have him with me still.

((Alffe))

Maybe it wasn't enough then, but it's enough now. Michael knows how much you love him.

I can't even begin to imagine the pain you feel. I can only relate to the loss of my best friend and father because it ripped my heart out to lose them. The months of April and August always bring them back into my life, and it's not possible to put them away somewhere and forget about them. They continue to live in my heart. For a long time, it caused me to feel depressed and it opened a lot of wounds. Now, I take that time to remember and be thankful for the good times we had together. When it starts to rain, I focus on the sunshine we shared together.

This is a very cold month. Allow some good memories of Michael to warm your heart.

Thanks KathyM...you are a dear woman to so many of us. You always find room to share a piece of your own heart when you see a need.