(((Nohope))) I'm just so glad you came back to talk! I am in awe of you and how you have handled the situation under such adverse conditions. You deserve to pat yourselve on the back for an extraordinary job well done. And thank you for having the guts to come here and talk about it. Much love and hugs.

Thank you again for the emotional support and excellent advice. I ache for my kids and how they will never again see their daddy or have the life that they had grown accustomed to. I am doing my best to keep them busy which really takes any time away from "my time". My 4 year old told me this morning she wants a new daddy. I asked her "what about your daddy?" She said then she could have 2 daddys, one to watch her from the sky and one to hold her at home. For my husbands memorial, here in Portland Oregon (his actual funeral was in Medford Oregon and we did not attend) I had put together 3 huge memory boards of all the photographs I had taken over the years as a family. There is one picture that tears my 4 year old apart. It's one where my husband and I were camping when my oldest was then 4 years of age and Emma had not been born yet. She is soooooooo upset that she didn't get to go camping with daddy. There is a 7 year gap inbetween my girls. Not by choice, though, I lost 5 pregnancies between them. Emma was really a miracle baby and I spent the majority of that pregnancy in the hospital. Now the startling revelation that the losses could have had something to do with daddy's drinking.

My 11 year old Sara, I admit, had all the fun times spent with the family. By the time her little sissy came along, this family was being ripped apart. Sara has very fond memories of those times and loads of photographs to document them. Sara does not talk about her father unless prompted by me. I kind of get scared about her silence sometimes, but you would never know if you met her as she is enthusiastic, energetic, playful and full of love. I am also the proud mother of a "DARE" graduate and her solemn vow never to smoke or drink. May I be so blessed!!!

Thank you so much for your power note. I fell better today and am on my way with my 4 year old to have lunch with a friend in downtown Portland Oregon and the sun is actually out today!

Have a great day!

Wow, thank you! I really think it's you guys and everyone else out there sending their power notes that has me driven to carry on. It takes a really good listener to actually say all the right things that the needy person needs. I have found that here. I have wonderful friends, but I feel I cannot talk to them much about this anymore. My marraige was crippled years ago and my poor friends have had to drudge through this with me. Today, my 4 year old and I went into downtown Portland Oregon to see a dear friend of mine. This is the same friend who witnessed the horrible court hearing when my husband was in full withdrawls on the witness stand. She is desperately trying to get me into a new routine of healing and trying the single life again. I am not ready! I am in total despair just seeking those ears that can really listen. I don't want to make people miserable, I am just seeking a pick-me-up emotionally and you guys have all the right words to say and that's why I am here! THANK YOU ALL!!!

((Nohope)) Yay! You found us again! I'm so glad you did!

You're a survivor dearheart. You will make it. One day at a time. And everyone here is so glad you found us!

Wow, this one's tough. Hearing it from a child who's been through it. I am sure your mother loved him and was desperate as I was to try to hang in there for the children's sake. Do you have any contact with your father now?

I tried for years to get him to scale back, but then he was hiding it. He was a completely difffernt person when drinking. He was a very outstanding person and people really loved him and looked up to him. But as time went by, he escalated to "out of control". After he lost his job, he would sleep 3 hours then be up 3 hours drinking like a fish and then again sleep and then again drink and then again sleep..... He would beat the children if they were not silent during his sleeping times. Whether it be 1pm or 4pm in the afternoon, the children had to be silent! After I had fled the home, he told everyone that I had taken the children out of their beds in the middle of the night in their jammies and left. When in actuallity it was at 2pm in broad daylight and I had even skipped the little one's nap. He had gone back to bed at 11am after his drinking binge and this was usually when he took the then 3 year old back to bed with him and beat her when she wouldn't go to sleep so he could. It was my day off and I knew his pattern of every three hours of sleep then drink. So, instead of him being alone that day to watch them, I was off work for the day and set in to packing 2 big bags of clothes and necessities and even dog food for my ailing siberian husky. The team of estrogen (even the dogs a girl) left and didn't know where to go. I found a motel that would accept dogs and we stayed there that night. Fearing the worst, I called the police to let them know I am not a missing person, nor my children and had chose to leave given the circumstances. They actually thanked me so they wouldn't be waisting time looking for me had he reported me missing! From there it was a day to day thing. One of my friends sheltered us for 5 days. The rest of the time we spent at the motel until the judge ordered him out of our home so I could return with the children.

Your mother did the right thing and you are a better person because of it! And more knowledgeable. I hope you have stayed close with your mom. She did what she did at that time because she knew she must for your welfare. That is all I tried to do and now have to live through the outcome. Unfortunetly I cannot shake the last few years of my life and continue to dwell on them. Emotional healing??? I don't know, but staring at all our stuff that has followed us through the years is not helping. I am on a mission to sell everything I own and start anew. Even my children want new beds! Wow! If that is the only thing on their mind right now, so be it!

Thank you for sharing such a traumatic part of your life. I wish you were here as I can totally relate.

Oh, one more thing, thanks for changing my name and outlook on life

dear nohope, I think it would be a great idea if you continue chatting with us. You owe it to yourself to talk about how you are feeling, and haven't be able to talk to his family or the people who are too busy with their current lives. I promise you that if you keep talking with other people who have been devastated by suicide, it will make a real difference in your life. My mom committed suicide 6 weeks after my dad passed away, just when I thought I had her stresses under control enough to hopefully avoid such thoughts, so you can imagine how frustrated (and tired) I was.
It's not like people are going to tell you how to feel. I think you said it well when you said it's just being able to talk to people who have been dumped with the effects of a loved one committing suicide.
It really makes a difference in your life if you are also talking with people 'live', as in finding a group to visit with. You sound like you've been too depressed to find the group nearest to you, so tell us where you are and people here can do a little brainstorming for you.
I wish I could tell you that in 'n' weeks you'll be 'over' it. But you will never be over it. However, you can reach a point where you are proud of yourself for how you are doing, even if there will always be days when you just can't believe that you are in this situation. Those days never stop completely, but they come less often, eventually. Do you like the school your oldest will be attending?

HI gizmogirl and welcome to our survivors forum. I'm so sorry to read of your mothers suicide after your efforts to help her...no one can prevent a suicide if someone is hell bent on it. And you are right about our never getting over it...we just have to "put it in prospective" so we can remember the good memories...and we all have plenty of those. Unfortunately it takes a long time to sort it out.

And nohope...you sounds like you are suffering from PTS in addition to dealing with his death. What you had to go thru for years from this man's abuse is a horror story. Are you still getting counseling? Are you taking an anti depresent? Have you located a group yet? Maybe calling the library would answer the question of whether any support group is available.

Have you read our Wonder Threads here? You have a lot of wonder about. *grin And What's on your plate will usually locate members imediate plans for the day.

Thinking about you...

Edit to slap self up the side of the head! It was right up at the top all of the time no hope...please click on any of them...


http://neurotalk.psychcentral.com/thread238.html


another

Dear N. Hope (I'd like to think the "N" stands for "near"),

First - Thank you , dear Alffe for bringing this thread to my attention. I haven't been reading much with the things of the last few weeks.

Hope - your story rings familiar with me. 5 years ago my husband of 28 years also took his life ater 5 years of downward spiral with heavy drinking, drug abuse ( I found out after he died), quiting his job, pulling away from everything and everyone.

We had times through our marriage of dealing with heavy drinking (and pot), but he would always turn around and things would seem to be better. We had 2 children and he, though self centered, worked and was at least "around". In 2003 he quit his job of 23 years and just seemed to go down the tubes. I didn't know until after his death that he had become addicted to prescription drugs (including drugs that he obtained illegally like oxycontin and fentanyl). This, in addition to the alcohol, prescribed drugs (anti depressants, sleeping pills, anti-anxieties, and pain meds) - the combination of these in high enough levels together is how he died. It might have been considered accidental (my daughter still wants to believe this) but he left notes for all of us and there were 2 loaded hand guns next to him. I think that was his actual intent but the drugs got to him first. (and for that I am thankful).

The hardest thing for me is that it happened 3 weeks after I finally left him. (guilt - inducing....) I had tried so hard for so many years, lying to myself and putting on a good front for others. I confronted him many times and gave him my bottom line - he would "try" (or go underground, more likely) for a w hile, only to have it reoccur - worse each time. He was my high school sweetheart and we had a good life - nice home - 2 kids - wonderful friends and family. I desperatly wanted to grow old together and have our grandchildren snuggle in our laps and play in our yard. I wanted to carry on the family traditions and add to the wonderful memories we had built. I wanted to look into the eyes I had loved for so long after they became wrinkled and see that love returned. I guess that was why it took me so long to realize things were so bad.

Leaving him was one of the hardest things I have done - I know you understand that. It must have been so much harder for you with 2 little ones (mine were out of the house) and no where to go. (I went to my parents' home nearby). The night before he died, he called me and we had the best conversation - I was even thinking that maybe he was beginning a real change - the last thing we said to each other was "I love you" - and for that I am also grateful.

The aftermath was hard - although my family mostly accepted his death as suicide, I found only a few people that I could be totally, gut wrenchingly honest about the gammit of emotions. I continued my roles as the "protector", trying to be strong for everyone else and putting on a good face that I was moving on. I ended up moving 700 miles away eventually, which helped me deal with my "stuff" and start anew. It is now 5 years later and I am recently married to a wonderful man ("Who Moi") who has been very important in my journey of healing (still on it - like everyone).

The shock waves continue to ripple through our lives. But, like an onion peeling away layer by layer, healing comes closer. I still remember the good times and miss him and the life we had at one time - but it doesn't consume me. I cry, rage, remember,talk, and get through the next layer.

Sorry this was so lengthy - I just wanted you to know we share some common ground and there is a future for you and your girls. You sound like a wonderful mother and I applaud you for doing what you have done.

I agree about letting the girls talk and grieve and be angry. Let them say or feel whatever it is - talking it out takes away some of the sting.

Remind them often that it was not their fault (you would be suprised at how suicide brings guilt to the least suspecting).

Remind YOURSELF that is was not YOUR fault either.

Don't stop talking - find those few that will listen to whatever - whenever - even if it is this forum. Although you cannot see our faces, we ARE real and really here for you.

Take care of yourself. Stay healthy for you and your girls.

Feel free to contact me by my personal email (I will PM it to you).

Spanish Moss (Nan)

My ex did it 2 months after we (I) decided it would not be good to reconcile. We were divorced for a yr and back together for almost a yr. I feel like a widow cuz I still loved him so much but like you the drinking and drugging was just too much. We were married 22 yrs. It still hurts so much 2 1/2 yr after his death.

How horribly tragic! But it's like I know and keep reading, there was literally nothing you can do! I have never once felt guilt for what he did. He made his decision. After years and years of putting up with his excessive drinking and the ultimatums I aserted and trying to get his family envolved, I had totally had it! I hated who I had become when I was around him. This was not the man I married. That man was my best friend and we were inseperable, enjoyed the same things and shared the same morals, had the same goals and dreams. Life was full and beautiful and we so longed the days that we could be together. I approached his sister in early 2006 and she said he wasn't one to take to demands and that I wasn't going about the right way. Was there really a right way? I had been after him for years! She said I must approach it with a sympathetic approach. This is his sister, 10 years older than him who died from alcohol abuse last Sept 20. Only 2 weeks before my husband's death on Oct 6, 2007! When I used her approach and was all sympathetic and told him of my concerns for his health, he said I was "brainwashing him"!!!! At the court hearing, when my husband was on the stand in complete withdrawls and in a convulsive state, the judge asked him to please tell the court was was happening. My husband's voice came out as a squeek and he stated he was "having an anxiety attack and I was there to make a mockery of him"!!!! His head was violently jerking back and forth and he was clutching his neck and arm and struggling to talk or breath. I was crying wanting someone to call for help. I was so scared for him and that he was going to die. He literally fell off the stand when they asked him to go and take his seat next to his attorney. My friend who went with me said she was traumatized for life. My attorney was almost speechless and said she had never seen anything like that in her life. For years, I could do nothing. My husband knew he was in trouble, but he would never admit that to anyone. He "was the man"! I was to respect him, basically walk on egg shells around him and kiss his feet. But then the mental and physical abuse on the children. No matter how much I loved him, I knew I had given it my all and there was nothing left. I demanded he get help and only then maybe a marraige counselor could save us. His answer was to slam me with divorce papers. That was the shocker as that was not my husband. My husband depended on me to do everything for everybody. He was a follower and would just follow in my footsteps. Even though he held down a full time job, he left everything else up to me. I did the bills, errands, taking care of the kids, chores, you name it. It was because of his irrational behaivior and state of mind that I believe he followed the lead of his friends and brother to actually file for divorce. This is not something he would've ultimately wanted and his eldest sister confirmed following his death. Alcohol turned him into a monster and so motherly instinct kicked in and I got the children out!

I cry myself to sleep at night wanting so desperatly the life we had way back when. I feel like I have died inside and just don't want to go on. There is no joy left. I used to have such a love for life. I am not suicidal, I just don't care what happens to me at this point. If it weren't for my girls, I would not be here.

On the brighter side, after our 3rd move in 10 months, I fought the school board and my eldest was allowed to remain at her new middle school. That child has lost everything and I am so happy she can stay there. The downside is that I have to get up early every morning to take her to school and then turn around and pick her back up as the buses don't come out this far. That is my only reason for getting up in the morning now.

Thank you again for sharing your story and hearing mine. You are right, I find talking live on-line more illuminating then going to a group.