I got my newsletter from the SOS of Dane County and there is an excellent article in by Dr. Robert Thompson with good suggestions for coping with our losses.

"Those among us who are asked to bear the unbearable, need to be reassured by those who have trod this path, that what we are feeling is normal and that we will "get better" but the words "I am over it" will never be on our lips."

He goes on to say "We talk about the mind, body and spirit as if they were three separate entities but nowhere is it more apparent that all of these elements are integrated into one than during that first year of grief. As we experience mental chaos, physical symptoms and often illness, as well as walk in a spiritual wasteland,, we need some tools to get us to the other side."

He offers practical suggestions that may help sustain us during the first year and perhaps beyond...like Execise...do something physical each day..walk run, clean the house because exercise stimulates endorphins.

He also says it's important to do something social each day..even if it's only talking on the phone (posting here would count...don't cha think? )
And don't isolate yourself...allow at least one other person to give you a shoulder to lean on.

And I especially liked this.....

We can run but we can't hide from our grief. It will find us and have its way with us. The sadness that crushes us is not optional; what we do with that sadness is up to us."

After 2.5 yrs, I still ask myself this question. I do exercise and try to be social. I feel like the feelings are a shroud that prevents full living. Getting used to the sadness tho. That last quote really helps.

I'm glad it helps Wendy. Dr. Thompson also said "everything helps a little, nothing helps a lot. No one or no thing can take away the hurt you are feeling nor would you want to take it away entirely."

without the pain we woudn't have our memories and they are the link to our loved ones...it's what keeps them with us always.

but how to get from attaching pain to your memeories of your loved one.
YOu get to have memories and not have pain.
love bizi

I'm a slow learner!

For me it took time, at least 7 years, and the ability to forgive him.

When I was finally able to forgive him I could start remembering the happiness we had shared. There is still sadness at the loss but there are times when I simply think of a happy thought.

And I cherish those moments when I can simply remember and smile, and as Peter Pan says, it only takes a happy thought to fly.

I have been hesitant to talk about this because I didn't want to upset anyone who is new in their grieving.

When Michael killed himself 18 yrs ago he left behind an 8 year old son. Michael had divorced his wife three yrs prior to killing himself but while he was still alive, he moved back in with us to save $$ while finishing up his college degree. He worked of course, had child support to pay and it costs money to fly your child clear across the country for visitation. It was extremely hard on both of them because they adored each other.

This is long...sorry. He graduated, got his own apartment, met a lovely girl and they planned to marry. While she was on vacation with her parents in Florida (a family tradition) he drank too much and killed himself with that dam gun.

In the immediate years following his death, we maintained a close relationship with our grandson..taking him on vacation with us, flying him in for visits but all this came to an abrupt halt when his mother, my ex daughter in law, decided to have more control of the situation. We sent gifts, letters, emails,
phone calls...for years we got nothing back.

I blamed her for years until I realized that our grandson was old enough to make his own decisions....he got married...twice...and this time he is a young daddy himself..making me a great grandma.

And my old anger raised it's ugly head!! Anger that Michael is missing out on the joy of being a grandparent and we are not a part of this new life.
The other grandma...the one in their town, has kept me informed. I think she was the one responsible for our getting a note and picture of the new one.

I responded saying, "I can't believe your dad would be a grandpa if he were still alive". Nothing! I sent a gift with a note saying "Your dad would be so proud!" Nothing!

I guess I am not supposed to mention his Dad...I can scarcely imagin how I would feel if I were 8 yrs old and my dad, who I adored, killed himself.

So I'm stuck again...filled with anger after all these years of being better.

don't give up. even if you never get a response. maybe ask his other grandparent's if you shouldn't mention michael..what can you do to create a new relationship? they might be aboe to help.

your grandson probably has so much anger. even more now. do you know if he ever got any counseling?

your post will reach many people. just think..if just one person reads this and then reaches out to lost family? seeks support that they didn't even realize they needed?

it's grieving again alffe. this endless crappy cyle.

you know this monkey loves you.

Alffe I'm sorry you are going thru this .

It must be so hard to miss not only your son but your grandson and his baby.

Keep trying and maybe eventually he will reach back.

Maybe try to not talk about your son, he may not be ready for that.

write to him about how proud you are and how your life is going, write about how much you miss him and hope he is happy....

Sending up a prayer and here are some hugs for you .

I'm so sorry about this, Alffe.

I understand what it is like to be on the outside of your family although not by suicide. Your grandson was very young when Michael died, I was about ten when my Dad left me. I have no doubt that his fathers death was traumatic for him and sometimes the only way to deal with trauma is to suppress it. He had a lot of years growing up without this father so try not to be hurt because he won't acknowledge his Dad. It's normal but not necessarily healthy and it's probably just his way of dealing with the pain.

I'm so sorry that you can't share the memories of Michael with your grandson.

I hope I helped some... and I'm so sorry if I didn't.