[ckepi]

Sorry I haven't been around this last week .

I also have Multiple Sclerosis, MS, I was diagnosed, dx, a year ago on the 12th. I have been spending time on that forum lately because I have alot of mixed emotions about my "anniverary".

I will get those book titles posted I haven't forgotten.

This is still so new to me, having a place I can talk about Sam's suicide without worrying about making some one else uncomfortable.

I am truly greatful to all of you for that

It has been eight and a half years of not talking about it, so this may take me alittle time to get used to.

I have checked in on the threads here even if I haven't posted much. I have many emotions that are hidden some times and then peek out when I least expect them .

I am still a work in progress , but I guess that is a good thing.

Sometimes I wonder exactly how much God thinks I can handle and just when I think I've reached my quota, I'm reminded that there is more to me.

I wish things could have been different for Sam and I , I wish I could have found a way for it not to have ended that way. I know that you can't change the past what's done is done but some times when I dream......

I have been dreaming about Sam lately, I don't know if it is because I am allowing myself to think about him because I have a place to come to now or what....

They are mostly good dreams, a few dark ones creep in which I guess is to be expected, but I do have some good ones of happier times.

I still sometimes think
'Sam would like to see that movie" and then I remember he won't....

I guess being here made me allow myself to think about him before I always felt like I needed to avoid those thought to avoid the urge to talk about him...

Any ways I really just wanted to check in, say hi and share were I am right now.

[Alffe]

I'm so glad you're back and that you're going to talk about Sam. Just hearing and saying their names is beneficial.

I completely understand about NOT talking about him for all those years...I did the same thing and it's not good for us. I was told that I didn't grieve properly....that I had prolonged the "agony" by not talking about my feelings.

And those anniversaries (including an unwanted dx) are tough to go thru.

Glad you're back....oh, I said that. *grin

[Bannet]

Hi Ckepi I am glad you are back too I don't know who Sam is but I am glad that you are starting to open up about him.

I sorry it's such a hard subject to talk about and I'm sure when you are ready to talk about it, we will all be here for you.

Take care

[ckepi]

Originally Posted by Bannet

Hi Ckepi I am glad you are back too I don't know who Sam is but I am glad that you are starting to open up about him.

I sorry it's such a hard subject to talk about and I'm sure when you are ready to talk about it, we will all be here for you.

Take care

Hi Beth! Hows the mailbox shanty , gone now sadly .

Sam was my 1st husband, he commited suicide in 1999 when I was 23. I came here from MSW for the MS forum and found this wonderful forum.

It's weird that quite a few of us our here and on the MS forum but didn't really talk about it there.

I see the names pop up here and think gee I didn't know they dealt with suicide but I guess that is the nature of suicide and the lack of communication about it, the fear of the reaction you might get.

I am so thankful for what MSW did now because I may never have found this site other wise. When one door closes another opens and some times it is even better.

[ckepi]

So odd Sam's aunt came into my work today, I haven't seen her for months and now here she was.

She was nice to me after it happened and I see her now and then and she always asks how I'm doing and lets me know how the family is doing.

We must have talked for a half hour. It was hard and I talked about Sam which I never actually talk about him to her, I was surprised I actually did it.

Weird how she walked in today of all days. I guess somebody knew I was ready for it today.

She is really the only family member I have talked to over the years. And that is just when we happen to bump into each other.

That was hard also I started dating Sam when I was 13 and was with him till I was 23. It felt like I lost a whole family not just him. Especially his neices and nephews I was there when most of them were born.

For the most part they weren't mean to me it was just to hard to deal with for them. They dealt the best they could.

Its odd the way life comes full circle sometimes isn't it?

[Alffe]

I'm so glad you were able to talk to her about Sam. He was a huge chunk of your life and her showing up today was just meant to be!

I remember speeding down a back road many years ago and being pulled over by a county policeman. "May I see your license Mam" and when I showed it to him...he said, "Are you Michaels mama?" They were childhood friends and we had a good laugh together about their youthful "excursions".

I felt warmed all day.