You have a wonderful sister Mark who misses you terribly. Please know that we are trying to hold her up and take good care of her. (((BJ)))

((((BJ)))) Holding you close and promising you better days ahead.

Dear Girlie,
How are you holding up sweetie?
Anniversary days are hard, know that we are here for you...please post, talk, vent, share how you are doing.
love bizi

This is the last picture taken of my baby brother in Wildwood, NJ the Sunday before he did it. Well, there were ones from the night of the graduation but my mom destroyed them. She said Mark wasn't in them, she didn't know who he was. I wasn't going to post this but he was alive, he did enjoy life and I wanted everyone to see that. I have this picture on my desk and I've stared and stared at this all day long, looking in his eyes, wondering if I could see anything in them to know that something was wrong. Looking at the picture everything looks fine. Who would ever know that not even a week later he would hang himself. All he was worried about was did he get too sunburn and would he be able to pitch that week. He did, pitched two games, won both and we were all so proud of him.

I've been holding something in for over 20 yrs. My mom and dad both asked me over and over whether Mark left a note and I always told them no. My therapist and pdoc have asked me and I always said no. But he did, it wasn't much, just a few lines:

Sister my sister
Day by day
Within this life
Go forward
Never look back
Be all you can be
For life is too short

That's it. My mom went to her grave thinking he just snapped as they told us. She thought he didn't think about it before hand, just snapped. But no, he did know what he was doing or else he wouldn't have written me this note. Days when I think I can't go on I pull this out and read it and try to make Mark proud of me.

Happy Birthday Mark. I know that the demons inside your head did this to you. I'll never ever be angry at you but I will always miss you and wonder why.

[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[bj]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]

David

(((BJ)))

These words have great impact.... thank you for sharing.

Abbie

Oh thank you BJ...I never expected to put a face with that guy..what a wonderful picture to have..surfs up and yep, he's got a sunburn! And I think you are correct in your thinking...if he wrote a note, he acted on his thought. Did your dear mother not acknowledge him because she felt what he did was a sin? Don't answer that if it's too personal.

You spared your parents the additional grief of knowing that he had this intention. Bless you.

thank you for sharing with us your Mark.
He is adorable.
I know that you miss him terribly...i would miss him too.
It is so hard to lose your brother this way.
I am glad that you have his writing to hold dear to your heart.
((((HUGS))))
I still have a thesaurus that michael gave me for christmas 1986....
It says:

To bizi
Get smart
love mike

I will always keep this...
((((((((((HUGS))))))))
bizi

BJ ~ sending you loving thoughts.

I hated so much to lie to my mom but I felt I had to protect her. She would have been devastated if she knew Mark left me that note and knew what he was doing. Being Catholic, yes Mark committed a moral sin but I hope God forgave him and let him in to heaven and he's playing baseball with the angels. But I won't know that until we meet again.

I'm so sorry for stirring up memories for those that have lost loved ones. And NoHope I'm so sorry about your DH. I know I haven't replied to your posts but being BP I'm learning what my triggers are so if I feel unstable I shy away from some posts. I'm glad you've found your way here and talking about it Bizi Michael should be proud of you because you are smart