[Burntmarshmallow]

I guess maybe a good idea to have my own thread . So for those who dont know , . . .my best friend of 35 years ended her life after living with early Alzheimer for 3 years . She did this last July. She didnt tell anyone she had Alzheimer except her oldest daughter her mom and me. she only mentioned Alzheimer once after that it became "what I have" .In the last year she was alive she and her son (who has down syndrome ) had moved into her moms to help care for her dad who was/is getting further along with alzhimers . but during those 3 years we had many talks about Alzheimers and then later ways to end her life. her mom wouldnt talk about alzheimers and definatly never talk of ending it . So we did. we talked and talked and cryed and sometimes my phone would end up wet with tears and boogers and sweat . and yes Alffemom I DID feel like i was like the greatest friend . being there to listen to keep her secret to be there for her to understand her feelings and insecurities and her strength and NOT JUDGE . it was hard but it felt okay it did feel like i was a really good friend. BUT then she did it and I dont feel that way so much. it changed when i went up for the service and watched her mom and dad crying and broke my heart to see her son standing grave side just bawling a fit of tears yet he really dose not understand things like an 18 yr old cus of his downs syndrom he is more like a 4 or 5 year old level. and it was a wave crashing on me that I helped cause all this . all the pain and missing her and the permanence of it all . I will never ever ever tell her family how we talked of ways that would work and ways that might not work and all the other things about God forgiving her if she did end her life. because I feel so guilty and I AM TO BLAME cus I helped her keep her plan. keep her secret. and now look what I did I crushed so many hearts I know I will get past this all but right now this really really sucks. it is hard when I talk to her oldest daughter who is now legal guardian of her brother who has downs syndrome. I mean the girl is only 22. my oldest is 22 ( both our kids are the same age) so her oldest is now caring for her brother with d.s. and what has life given to me and my oldest kid. well my kid will be graduating from duke university with a bio medical engineering degree this year in may and then is going to go to med school. my other kid is a healthy 18 year old. how fair is that. what makes me so special and my friends life so umm for lack of a better word .. so cursed . when we were growing up I was the one with the messed up life and she helped me threw it . I couldn't do jack squat for her to help her threw it . cus really there is no way threw Alzheimer it is a death sentence in a way . ya know??? I would trade my life for hers i told her this . ugh I am not making sense here so guess it is best to stop writing for now. But Alffe yes that thread you bumped today I DID send her a link to it like 2 years ago . I told her about n.t. and sos and my screen name here but she only read the link on assisted suicide . now I should go do some thread reading of my own . thanks for letting me unload some of my pile of gloom . i have more but not right now.
blessing and PEACE to all
BMW

[Alffe]

BMW, there are so many dimensions to her story and to yours. My dad had altzheimers and he became someone we didn't know. My mother, who adored him became afraid of him...you know from your friendship with Nikki what a very long goodbye this can be.

You listened to your friend, you loved her, love her still. She wanted to spare her loved ones watching the inevitable...you respected her choice and I, personally, think you did the right thing in supporting her.

I am just so sorry that you are feeling such guilt and pain. She made a choice and so did you...unfortunately you have to live with the consequences of your choice. Life isn't fair but imho, she was blessed to have you for a friend.

[Burntmarshmallow]

i guess I am thinking way to much . I DID stop her ...two different times I called her and she was like how did you know to call and i was like its not time you have to make sure you have taken care of things and she held off both time. i mean she was in the first step and i got her to stop. but this last time when she sent the sign it was time ...I said i loved her more then she can ever know I shut up and let her go about her plan . and when i look from another point of view the crying and stuff at her service and crying now and the missing I suppose either way its a lose lose situation and in the long run her family would of been crying and missing her each day she slipped deeper into alzheimer's and i too right along side them . she did spare us and broken hearts would be broken whether she did or didnt end her life. maybe her way was easier. I get "signs" from her allot. her spirit and i know she is in a better place and she is a big spirit an angel free from earthly skins. I am good on that. it is those left behind.. and you know spot on what i mean when i say those left behind. I want to take their sadness away I want my sadness and unworthiness to go away. I told her about Nikki and ALL the issues Nikki has . and she told me ha ya know she told me Nikki needs a friend like you everyone needs a friend like you teenie beanie . but I dont feel it. I I just want my best friend back healthy and illness free. I am SO CONFUSED . and someday soon i know they will both meet in the great beyond .I am scared to tell nikki what I want to say . but I will cus I am a warrior and warriors do things even if they dont like doing it. so I have a letter to write soon to nikki. and pray for spring to come.
no one is allowed to call me teenie beanie here or anywhere btw it was her name for me and no one else can use that name only her.

[Alffe]

dearheart,. The day will come when you will be flooded with only the good memories of your times together but it's too soon for that. The journey of grief is a long one. We are here for you.

[Mark56]

here for you BMW.

Mark56

[ger715]

Originally Posted by Burntmarshmallow

i guess I am thinking way to much . I DID stop her ...two different times I called her and she was like how did you know to call and i was like its not time you have to make sure you have taken care of things and she held off both time. i mean she was in the first step and i got her to stop. but this last time when she sent the sign it was time ...I said i loved her more then she can ever know I shut up and let her go about her plan . and when i look from another point of view the crying and stuff at her service and crying now and the missing I suppose either way its a lose lose situation and in the long run her family would of been crying and missing her each day she slipped deeper into alzheimer's and i too right along side them . she did spare us and broken hearts would be broken whether she did or didnt end her life. maybe her way was easier. I get "signs" from her allot. her spirit and i know she is in a better place and she is a big spirit an angel free from earthly skins. I am good on that. it is those left behind.. and you know spot on what i mean when i say those left behind. I want to take their sadness away I want my sadness and unworthiness to go away. I told her about Nikki and ALL the issues Nikki has . and she told me ha ya know she told me Nikki needs a friend like you everyone needs a friend like you teenie beanie . but I dont feel it. I I just want my best friend back healthy and illness free. I am SO CONFUSED . and someday soon i know they will both meet in the great beyond .I am scared to tell nikki what I want to say . but I will cus I am a warrior and warriors do things even if they dont like doing it. so I have a letter to write soon to nikki. and pray for spring to come.
no one is allowed to call me teenie beanie here or anywhere btw it was her name for me and no one else can use that name only her.

How fortunate your friend was to have you. It would have been difficult for her family, as well as yourself, to watch her decline and not know any of you. The thought of her knowing this was to come was not how whe wanted to be remembered. The tears and heartbreak is for the women who wanted to be spared and to spare those she loved as well. Hopefully time will soon heal with the knowledge how much she loved all of you.

Gerry

[Lara]

HUGS dear Bmw

I think the ongoing sadness, heavy personal burden, confusion and worry you are feeling is the main reason why we need to be talking about this subject (death with dignity) in our families, with our friends, in our neighbourhoods, in our communities and in our governments. It should not be your burden alone. Totally understand why you would feel confused.

edited to add: I don't think we're equipped as human beings to really deal with such loss under the circumstances that you did with your friend. It sounds to me as if you really have been so alone with your feelings for so long.

[Mark56]

From the interpersonal perspective, you talked through her thoughts, dissuading her a couple of time, as she approached the point of personal decision whether to initiate the terminal event. Seems she found strength through you BMW as she sorted through all matters with which she dealt. Assist you did not, unless you were present making certain the event carried through to culmination. The final hand was her own.

How many of us have ever talked through tremendously hard matters with a trusted one? The talking alone does not make action occur. She delivered herself to the place of finality. Are you morally at risk for having not divined her intent each moment of every day? I think not.

You do need support to move forward from this reflective moment where you could be caught in a loop of ever fault found destructive recriminations. If a professional is accessible to you even for group threapy, such needful safety to talk through your debrief would provide you a personal safety net.

It is needed, lest you perpetuate the internalization of "what ifs" and " but fors" and "had she nots." For your own health, consider the possibility of professional help.

Caring, loving, hugging, hoping,
Mark56

[Koala77]

My heart goes out to you dear BMW and know that I can feel your pain from here. I am so sorry that I've not been around much lately so if you've posted before I didn't see it ............ Please forgive me.

After reading your words I can see that you were the most wonderful friend. You have no reason to feel guilty .... none at all! Please remember that your friend loved you enough to share this most important and most personal time in her life. It was you she trusted enough to talk about her inner thoughts and emotions, not family, not other friends. ... you! You both shared a beautiful friendship in which there was so much love between you. Cherish those memories and know that you did the right thing by supporting her when she needed you most.

I'd like to think that I had a friend as true as the one that you have shown yourself to be. Sending you some hugs and lots and lots of love.

[Burntmarshmallow]

I think I need some self reflection . I honestly do NOT feel suicidal and do not feel like hurting myself or anything like that. I am just very sad and confused . Koala No i haven't really posted here about this before. I have been afraid to because I most always post in the t.n. forum but have stopped going in there and really havent wanted my t.n. friends finding me in here finding me weak and all that. ya know ? weird sure but I have never claimed to NOT be weird. I need to look back not on this one thing or just her but everything . surely there is something in my past lessons to "grow from" or learn from. so self reflection . thank you to each of you for being here listening and helping.