BP
Sometimes I feel other things before I can cry ...or my body/mind will let me cry.?
Dont be so hard on yourself you are a great, caring ,kind ,unselfish person. and remember you have a room full of good people here
so if you cant cry ... well ...you can type and write a post
cus we have you in our thoughts and prayers .
Peace
BMW

BJ, I am so very sorry I wasn't able to be on to offer you my support before this. You are truly amazing, and I am so proud you were able to go. I have 6 brothers and sisters, 5 of us went, 2 couldn't. I am equally proud of all of them. Know what you need to do, square your shoulders and stand your ground. For each of us it is different.

I know at a service when a child or relative reads something it is about all I can do to stay in my seat. I just hate it, it is too raw. But when Dad took his life, I HAD to find a way to say goodbye, so I wrote him a letter. I still can't believe I was able to get through it, but I did. I know you going will bring you comfort later, you did what you truly felt you wanted and should do.

I also wanted to say, you were just the best friend to her. I lost a friend in highschool, he shot himself. I never returned his call either. I feel where you are coming from. But here is the thing, you were such a dear friend, had she wanted help, not only would she have called, she would have come knocking on your door. She knew you would be there for her, truly what better gift can you give as a friend?

I am soooooooooooooooooo happy you spoke to a different priest. Whew, I was getting a bit nervous I might have to visit your Father You are right, this does cause another wave in the ocean of pain, but thats what we are all here for right? To help the tide lesson so we can hang on for the ride.

Do you have your own place? or a special place you two would visit? Maybe you could plant a small tree, bush or plant in memory of your friendship.
Thinking of you Nikki

(((BJ))) Thinking of you and hoping the funeral wasn't too painful for you. I'm sure that you are all "stirred up" and her death has brought many painful memories back to you.

We are here for you dearheart. Just do one day at a time.

{{{{{{{{{{BJ}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
I haven't been around the boars much lately..Just havin problems gettin to the puter.
I just want you to know how proud i am of you for going to your friends funeral..
I believe when people pass on ,they can look down upon us..I believe your friend is proud of you too.


Please be kind to yourself{{{bighugs}}}}}
Love Kell

Her dad asked me to say something at the funeral since I was the last one she called and I told him I couldn't, my mind wouldn't slow down so I asked if I could read instead. I got some thoughts and ideas and just scribbled them and wrote this for her because she didn't have the time to say goodbye.

Goodbye to all the people I have met
Although I am gone do not cry
It is I who fear that you will not cry for me
Do not fear having me to hold, to talk to, to hug
Do not fear saying goodbye
My mother how I wish I could have said I loved you one more time
To everyone else I loved, I wish I had hugged you one last time
I will miss the good times and will cherish every moment I had with you
And I hope you will think of those good memories as you visit my grave
I see the light and it calls to me so I must go
I hope to always be with you in your hearts
I love you all but I must go, I must go

It was pouring down rain, thundering and lightening, just like K's life was full of turmoil. I went in before they closed the coffin for good. I swore I would never touch a dead person again after my dad died. I was holding his hand when he died and I actually felt the coldness go all the way down to his hand. I screamed to my mom that he's gone. I never even touched my mom and to this day I regret it. But I felt I had to so I touched K's hand, told her that she's not in pain anymore, all is good, you can rest now friend.

Yes Alffe this has stirred up a lot of things and brought them all to the surface again. I told my tdoc today to help me cry, I need to cry but I can't. Trigger myself into tears through the grief door she said. But why, crying won't bring anyone back.

you are right crying WONT bring anyone back crying is just a way to let go and the bodys way of facing the empty space thats there. It dose not fill the empty space but its how the body faces it sometimes. Crying is NOT a waste of time or energy either . i think what you wrote and shared today durring such a hard difficult time was probly a comfort no one else could create. but you did and you should be proud and take some comfort in your self and what you did today.
because all of us here are proud of you and think your a very strong and kind loving person. LOVE YOU BP love yourself first .
Prayers of Peace , healing and comfort to you and those in your life. God bless !!!
soft easy hug to you my friend
BMW

(((Bj))) Reading that at the funeral must have been so hard. It was thoughtful of her Dad to include you in their goodbye.

I know you have read a lot about suicide BJ...have you read Finding Your Way by David Biebel, & Suzanne Foster? It's VERY helpful and I thought about you when I read their chapter The Church. I'm going to post about it.

Also, it's time to make a batch of Tear Soup...please watch your mail for the recipe.

(((BJ))) Tears will come. You've been through so much.

The whole world is in such crisis. It amazes me we aren't all crying every day. But we'd fall apart if we did. Your's will come when you can handle it.

You're such a strong woman.

I didn't go to work today and took off the rest of the week because I can't think straight and I have all these emotions and images flooding around me. I called my pdoc this morning and told her I couldn't cry and wanted to cry, wanted to scream but I can't. She said she talked to my tdoc and knew all about it. She said to try watching a sad movie. So I watched Homeward Bound. I know it's silly but I cry at the same spot every time, when Chance comes up over the hill limping. But it did nothing, not even a weep.

I went to Barnes and Noble and sat in my comfy chair and had coffee and thought things out. I decided to go to K's grave and then drove to my family's grave site. I talked to all of them, asking what went wrong. No answer, no tears. My tdoc's wrong. I'm not resisting, I'm not shutting the door on her, I'm hurting inside and she can't help me. I never read that book Alffe but I just ordered it on Amazon. Maybe this will help me.