[nohope]

I am a person with mixed emotions. Plagued by the unthinkable.

Who am I? Instead of the "I wonder" how about "who am I"?

Who am I to think that this was unstopable?

Who am I to judge?

Who am I to be rightfully unforegiven?

Who am I to curse?

Who am I to judge your pain and remourse?

God forgive me, who am I to really see Your light and who you really are?

David, please add on, I feel your presence..................................

[Burntmarshmallow]

bump up for david

[Alffe]

I find myself wanting to answer you....I know who you are. You're a child of God like the rest of us who didn't deserve what she got and who has more on her plate than she ought to have. You are a loving mother who is blessed with two wonderful children who need you all the more because of their Dad's poor choices.

You never answered me nohope...could your mom travel the 300 miles for a visit...to give you some hands on support and a break from the load you carry?

Have you read Warren Hansons book The Next Place?
It's beautifully written and illustrated and I think your oldest daughter would benefit greatly from it.

Who are you? One great lady!

[Doody]

Originally Posted by Alffe

Who are you? One great lady!

I couldn't possibly say it better than Ms. Alffe. ((nohope))

[Burntmarshmallow]

Well after I read your post who am I? and let the day turn to next.
Who Am I ? still has the same affects after I read it.
I feel like I want to say what we are,... much like Alffe did but in my own way. I use we because to me we are all the same underneath ,inside. the same but diffrent in our own ways.

so .."Who am I to think that this was unstopable?
we are human being with emotions and feelings I think most of us care to some extent, so we are caring people too, . . . so are you .

Who am I to judge?
we are people who are judged by others every day .
we are human beings taught to have a sense of fair and unfair, good and bad. pleasure and pain. so are you

Who am I to be rightfully unforegiven?
God dose not punish anyone. the only two things that punish a person are... 1. other people and 2.yourself.

Who am I to curse? well I curse all the dang flippin time but if you ment curse higer power ... we are just people it is a natural thing to do when in such a situation. if that bothers you just write it on paper then flush it after. its not a big deal it is just a emotion one of many we are created with. EVEN YOU

Who am I to judge your pain and remourse?
we are just people born on earth
your right the less one judges probly the better off things would be.

God forgive me, who am I to really see Your light and who you really are?
we are students and God's children we yearn for and need God's guidiance ,wisdom and kindness . we yearn for God to see us in a forgiving manner of love and peacefull understanding. so are you and so do you. well I think so not speaking for you or nothing, hope you know what I meen


God bless you!
PEACE
BMW

[DMACK]

Dear nohope


Firstly may i say to BMW great post.....excently response.

Who am i .............too..............good question nohope.

We must at times realise that in life there are no clear answers to so many questions. [ that dosn't mean we cant ask these difficult questions, it means a reply may never come or satisfy our soul if it does]

I watched a programme once on Body Dysmorphia. This man felt all his adult life that his left leg did not belong to him. He at 54 years old went to India and paid £10,000 to have it surgically removed. He stated on the programme[ 2 years post-op] that he now felt whole, and at peace with life, ith his stump, and prostetiic limb...]

UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.... sounds bizare.....crazy...............but to that man these were his inner thoughts. Sheltered from those closest to him[ his life left him when he embarked on the amputation]

Not one of us knows what lurks beneath the surface of another human being.

Know one knows until it happens to you as an individual what 'tips you over the edge of reality/normality.

Yes Suicide is seen as a selfish act, to those left to pick up the peices.
Is over indulgence, of food, drink, work, spending, what ever it may be... not damaging to others as well. as we watch those we caree for destroy themselves .

I read an article once of a 37 year old woman, raped from 12 years old by an uncle and cousin, two failed marriages 3 children in care, an alcoholic as a result of her traumatic life.. then quotes From her work colleagues and friends saying 'i cant understand why she killed herself, she was so kind, and normal'

We all cover up something of our inner self that no one ever sees until its too late.

I will now admit part of me felt humiliated by external life, ashamed that other peoples opinion of me mattered so much, that if i killed myself i would be rid of their critisim and judgement of my character and behaviour.

I did not respond to an incident that happend 3 years before i attempted suicide the way people arround me wanted to.

i was beaten up badly by three men. I did not seek revenge..as they wanted me too... therefore i was a coward and not a man... in their eyes....


I cried openly at sad songs...and sad films... backing up a feeling i was somewhat weak....


I struggled relentlessly with issues of the past [ which as of yet i cannot talk about in this forum].......that others use against me as though i was from a warped background....And yes i did think daily what the hell is going on ,why am i so scared of life, deah, existing........and then self fore- filling prophesy took its toll.

BUT NO ONE KNEW I WAS CONTEMPLATING SUICIDE..................


Why because it was my inner terror, my fear of life... the easiest thing to do would be walk away vanish....start another life elsewhere..disapear......would that not have had the same effect as my planned death............uncertainty, misery..etc......


Until we as humans can openly speak freely about our demons, fears, frailties... this sad discussion will cotinue for infinity..............

I come on here to stay alive....help others who tinker with these evil thoughts...and try top tell relative/friend survivors politely........this person made a choice......for whatever reason.........a personal choice..........you have to accept that.....and understand you were not in that persons mind at the time of their tragic descision...therefore you dont know why it happened... your not responsible... in any way shape or form.. it was THEIR CHOICE....but always remember that at that moment of descision to end life RAITIONALITY/REALITY LEFT THEIR BODY...........................


nohope i dont know you other than on this forum...yet i feel desperatly sad for your situation....and for the situation of so many others on this family site... yet i beg you to listen from a Suvivor of attempted suicide [my world to those arround me was normal, i had it all to live for, but to me this was not how i felt....yet i could not tell anyone how i felt... i felt so issolated..desperate...distraught... terrified by mere bloody living...]

We say talk openly about suicide yet sadly the majority of society dont want to enter into the conversation... nobody truly wants to revel the SKELLETON in the cupboard.......until this wall of the great Taboo is knocked down i fear so many lives will continue to be wasted because they were unable to converse their inner thoughts feelings, worries, whatever to at at least one person who possibly my have delayed or prevented their death.............i live in hope


Many on this forum do a valliant job for survivors [as in relatives left behind ]due to suicide......i commend thes individuals for their resolve...resillience and undying commpasssion.................but i want also survivors of this act to spread a message to those who are surviving .........with suicide in mind..of this act waiting terrifyingly round the corner, waiting to spontanuouesly explode, and they are not even aware...off this impnding tragerdy.


Dear nohope the link i forwarded you on DUEL DIAGNOSIS please read at some time.. it may shed some light..

You will my dear freiend survive thi monumentus disaster...and yes you will never be the person you were before... but you will have experience.. in time insight...and eventually understanding to whatever degree will let you live your now life peacfully... i just wish it comes soon for you dear lady..

If my comments have offended or upset you please forgive me... it is or not my intention.. i want you to move on with HPOE not stagnate with nohope,

please forgive/ignore all spelling mistakes.. have not time or will to go through spell chjeck work in three hours [now 2am, up at 5am work at 7am but felt compelled to reply]



David

[BJ]

Who are you Nohope? You're a kind, caring person who was been dealt a low blow by life. You are a wonderful mother, a mother who's struggling to care for her two beautiful daughters by herself and doing a wonderful job if I might add. You're the child of a loving God who cares about you so much and so do I.

[nohope]

I was going to pm you, Alffe, but then I thought everyone would keep wondering why I never answered you. My mom is pending major surgery in the coming weeks. I really wish that I could rather be with her, but I can't pull my daughter out of school that long.

On the brighter side, I got an unexpected e-mail from my baby brother today who will be here Monday on business that week, but devoted all of Monday just to me and my girls. They were jumping up and down when I shared this info to them. It seems every male person that I have any contact with, they are all over him! Obviously they truly miss "daddy".

And then my 11 year old brings me another report card today with all "A's" and one "B".
She was also chosen out of a school of 1000 children to represent their school and go back to her old elementary school to welcome the incoming middle school students. I am a-glow! I must be doing something right. In her upbringing between me and her father, she was just the average student. Now an honor-roll student and a cheerleader. I am stunned. I really want to check out the book you recommended for her, but am scared. She never talks about her father anymore and she is just so happy and has friends and is so busy, I am really afraid to bring it back into her life. How can someone so wrapped around her father's finger revolve into this?

As for phsyco baby, hmmmmmmmmmmmm, we'll just have to wait and see. She does bring up "daddy quite a bit". She does not understand the term "death". This morning she told me she had a dream that she died just so she could bring him back. This is killing me to even think about her statement. I know if he walked through my front door right now, they would never let him go. Those hugs would be as if a boa was killing it's prey. They would not think about me for a second. I would be forgotten. This is so incredibly hard. He loved his children, he just had all the wrong priorities. Wow, just thinking about this makes me shudder.

I will keep doing what I am doing and hope one day it will all fall into place and pray that my children will not think back to what it was.

Thank you, Alffe for responding to my thread with such wonderful words I really needed to hear.