[Nik-key]

I come here alot now. Sometimes I am just bursting with the need to share, other times it is too painful to do anything but read your post. I have had a couple of bad weeks with my TN and ON pain, then I got strep and have been laid out flat for the last 5 days. (just a note from reading the other posts, not only can strep cause scarlet fever....but scarlet fever......is what attacked my lil nieces pancreas... giving her juvenile diabetes for life

So here is the thing....... I already opened up and admited that after my Dad took his life, I wanted to do the same thing. I had it all planned out. I wouldn't do what my Dad did though, I would never hurt my family as I am hurting now. In my sleep deprived, drug induced (sleeping pills that were not working) shocked state of mind , it would be kinder to drive out of state, take no identification, take the plates off my car, find a quiet parking lot somewhere, maybe by a lake or river, and simply swallow some pills. It seemed so simple, and somehow I had myself convinced that me just disappearing would be so much better than what my Dad had done to us.

Now I can see the craziness of that thinking. I do still think it would be better than knowing how my Dad took his life. The images will forever haunt me. But still, crazy thinking that it would be ok, wouldn't hurt my family.

Now I kind of feel more like alffe, it just isn't an option. I couldn't hurt my family this way. But........... I am on medications, seeing my doctors etc etc
but sometimes these feeling over take me. Like the other night I had a high fever and was taking a bath to try to reduce it and just relax. Out of no where I just start bawling and crying out to Dad.

I think perhaps I tried to not be angry with him too soon. I don't know if that makes sense to you or not. But I have forgiven him. He is my Dad. I love him with all that I am, how can I be angry with him? But damn it, I am. I just sat there in the tub crying out how could you do this? How DARE you do this? WTF am I suppose to do now Dad? I just don't even want to be here anymore! I don't want to feel this pain anymore.

I don't know if this makes sense, but to me it isn't that he died. I could get over that in time. I hope I don't offend anyone here, but it is that his death was not "natural" Do you know what I mean? We are all taught about life and death from a very early age. We know of disease, fluke storms, freak accidents, even murder would be better. What I can not handle is that not man or God took my Dad from me. HE took HIMSELF away from me!!!

When this first happened (March 14th) After the initial shock, the swooning, throwing up, and oh God NO's.........I remember everyone saying he loved me, to cling to that. I remember saying and feeling, he didn't damn well love me enough to stay though did he!!! I tried to push that aside, as it just sounded so cold coming from me. Almost like hatred. And that is NOT what I feel for my Dad!! I love him to pieces! But I find, I am thinking this way again.
It IS a fact isn't it? He did this for him. Maybe he thought to spare me what he thought was worse...........but the fact is........for me THIS is the worst.
The fact is, he is gone, and he decided to leave me.

I told my friend last night, that I feel just absolutly robbed! I didn't even try to express my anger. We are close, and she said in time you wont feel that way. I said listen to me when I tell you this, you can ask me every year until the day I die....and I will tell you then, what I will tell you now........I will never be able to heal from this. AS much as I love him, as much as I am able to, I forgive him. But the fact remains........I feel just absolutly robbed!! He chose to leave me, and I will never be ok again for it.

*sigh* I know I will go on, cause there is no other choice. I know this is "normal" whatever the hell that is!! I know I will survive this, I KNOW it, but I just don't know how!

thanks for giving me a safe place to share, Nikki

[Jomar]

The feelings you describe make the most sense to me - to feel the most anguish when loved one dies by their own hand...a choice they made... no matter what the reason.

It's very different when death is by illness, accident or even murder - you can hate the murderer and be angry at the illness or blame accident. Totally normal and acceptable.
But this way, being left with only the loved one to be angry at , but still deeply mourning for the loss of has got to be the worst feeling ever.

If I ever had to go through something like that-
I hope, eventually, that I would be able to look at it from the point of view that the person must have been in some horrible physical or emotional pain and not able to see anything but a bleak future of the same.
They make the ultimate decision from that bad place that ends their pains, but leaves the loved ones with so much more pain and most likely feelings of guilt.

The anger, love, longing and guilt are a major mix of emotions to move through .
I hope the best for you soon.

[Burntmarshmallow]

Nik-key .

[Alffe]

Originally Posted by Nik-key

I come here alot now. Sometimes I am just bursting with the need to share, other times it is too painful to do anything but read your post. I have had a couple of bad weeks with my TN and ON pain, then I got strep and have been laid out flat for the last 5 days. (just a note from reading the other posts, not only can strep cause scarlet fever....but scarlet fever......is what attacked my lil nieces pancreas... giving her juvenile diabetes for life

So here is the thing....... I already opened up and admited that after my Dad took his life, I wanted to do the same thing. I had it all planned out. I wouldn't do what my Dad did though, I would never hurt my family as I am hurting now. In my sleep deprived, drug induced (sleeping pills that were not working) shocked state of mind , it would be kinder to drive out of state, take no identification, take the plates off my car, find a quiet parking lot somewhere, maybe by a lake or river, and simply swallow some pills. It seemed so simple, and somehow I had myself convinced that me just disappearing would be so much better than what my Dad had done to us.

Now I can see the craziness of that thinking. I do still think it would be better than knowing how my Dad took his life. The images will forever haunt me. But still, crazy thinking that it would be ok, wouldn't hurt my family.

Now I kind of feel more like alffe, it just isn't an option. I couldn't hurt my family this way. But........... I am on medications, seeing my doctors etc etc
but sometimes these feeling over take me. Like the other night I had a high fever and was taking a bath to try to reduce it and just relax. Out of no where I just start bawling and crying out to Dad.

I think perhaps I tried to not be angry with him too soon. I don't know if that makes sense to you or not. But I have forgiven him. He is my Dad. I love him with all that I am, how can I be angry with him? But damn it, I am. I just sat there in the tub crying out how could you do this? How DARE you do this? WTF am I suppose to do now Dad? I just don't even want to be here anymore! I don't want to feel this pain anymore.

I don't know if this makes sense, but to me it isn't that he died. I could get over that in time. I hope I don't offend anyone here, but it is that his death was not "natural" Do you know what I mean? We are all taught about life and death from a very early age. We know of disease, fluke storms, freak accidents, even murder would be better. What I can not handle is that not man or God took my Dad from me. HE took HIMSELF away from me!!!

When this first happened (March 14th) After the initial shock, the swooning, throwing up, and oh God NO's.........I remember everyone saying he loved me, to cling to that. I remember saying and feeling, he didn't damn well love me enough to stay though did he!!! I tried to push that aside, as it just sounded so cold coming from me. Almost like hatred. And that is NOT what I feel for my Dad!! I love him to pieces! But I find, I am thinking this way again.
It IS a fact isn't it? He did this for him. Maybe he thought to spare me what he thought was worse...........but the fact is........for me THIS is the worst.
The fact is, he is gone, and he decided to leave me.

I told my friend last night, that I feel just absolutly robbed! I didn't even try to express my anger. We are close, and she said in time you wont feel that way. I said listen to me when I tell you this, you can ask me every year until the day I die....and I will tell you then, what I will tell you now........I will never be able to heal from this. AS much as I love him, as much as I am able to, I forgive him. But the fact remains........I feel just absolutly robbed!! He chose to leave me, and I will never be ok again for it.

*sigh* I know I will go on, cause there is no other choice. I know this is "normal" whatever the hell that is!! I know I will survive this, I KNOW it, but I just don't know how!

thanks for giving me a safe place to share, Nikki

Nikki....You are so familiar to my heart...familiar pain.."robbed" is the right word. I have so much I want to say to you...to share with you..but I have to go to bed...and tomorrow is another day...and I am so sorry for your pain...You WILL be able to heal from this..I promise you that..but you will never be the same..

[Nik-key]

Thank you all for posting, my heart isn't in it tonight, but I will come back tomorrow and read what you wrote. Thanks

[nohope]

nik-key I grieve with you right now. I am reading your thread as if it was coming from my 11 year old. God, she was so wrapped around his finger. I really believe your father didn't account for the pain and suffering he would inflict on his beloved ones. I really belive it to be a selfless act. He loved you and doted on you. This is just so awful. Just reading this thread, I feel you were at the top of his ladder, much like my 11 year old, he just didn't know how to handle his pain. Just like you my little one will never understand.

I was going to come here again tonight for the much needed sympathy, but willed myself around it. My girls are too demanding, and I am exhausted. Why, Why can't my family and friends see I need a break? I am alone with 2 little girls, I have no life. I love them, but just need some peace.

God bless you Nik-key.

[Alffe]

In the light of day I had hoped to have a clearer way of saying this Nikki but a fact is a fact is a fact. When someone we love choses to end their life we feel totally rejected. It's like the ultimate F*** You!

The only thing we can say in their "defense" is that they didn't know what it would do to us...that we would be forever changed. It has been 18 years last Jan. since our Michael killed himself and we have "gone on".....we used to be just regular people with hopes and dreams...plans that included Michael but instead we became "survivors". And that's a "good thing" because we learned the hard way what this act does to a family and while we might want to put an end to this anguish, we won't.

But we didn't choose this role and we wouldn't wish it on anyone. Michael loved us.....just as your Dad loved you. They didn't plan on breaking our hearts but they did and we are stuck with it.

Michael robbed his sisters of knowing their children. He robbed his own son of watching him grow...of seeing his own grandchild. Michael was my first born, my only son, his Dad's namesake and he broke our hearts.

I could fill pages with my anger but I won't.

Hugs for the room.....and especially for you Nikki.

[Doody]

(((Nik-key))) It's been such a short time for you and your grieving. You're a 'short timer' survivor, but someday you'll be...

Oh hell, I don't know what I'm trying to say. Someday you'll grow up to be like Ms. Alffe, a 'long timer', and that immediate crushing pain will be less.

Much love to you. I hope you're feeling better soon. You've had more than your share.

[Burntmarshmallow]

""I told my friend last night, that I feel just absolutly robbed! I didn't even try to express my anger. We are close, and she said in time you wont feel that way. I said listen to me when I tell you this, you can ask me every year until the day I die....and I will tell you then, what I will tell you now........I will never be able to heal from this. AS much as I love him, as much as I am able to, I forgive him. But the fact remains........I feel just absolutly robbed!! He chose to leave me, and I will never be ok again for it."
-------------------------------
Nik-key you say so much in these short few sentences.
Of corase you feel robbed /gyped / riped off ...just to start .
You can still heal and still be feeling like you were robbed. some day after many baby step of day by day minute by minute the inside pain will lessen . That dose not meen you wont still feel like you were riped off and that he chose to take himself away. BUT YOU CAN HEAL!!!!! And we are all here to help you and offer all we can in our own ways. and ya know they say ...
THERE IS STRENGTH IN NUMBERS
keeping you in my prayers for healing peace and low pains ((((nik-key))))

PEACE
BMW

[BJ]

It sounds like he loved you all so much that he just couldn't face you watching him die as your uncle did. He was trying to spare you pain, the long kind that lingers on forever it seems. But you must remember all the love he had for you. You said you have forgiven him which is good but now you need to forgive yourself. There was nothing you could have said or done to prevent this. I don't know when the pain will stop Nikkey. I've been told it just gets more bearable.