I decided to not p.m. you B.P. because it is slightly possible that if I post here
It may help others in some form or fashion that I don’t even know about yet.
So let me share that I too was a cutter. I started in high school and used to cut my arms.
I know it is not that uncommon for teens to do this ….it wasn’t uncommon when I was in school and it still is not that uncommon today. I know of songs about it by current top chart bands Foo Fighters, Nirvana just off the top of my head it isn’t that “far out” if I can put it like that. Well back to issue… I got help and was okay for a good while but then I had my accident and I wasn’t okay anymore. I was in horrible pain physically and emotionally and every other way possible! I couldnt bare the thought of living with this pain. The doctors would tell me this med will help or try this new med this time it will work to relieve the pain… promises promises all broken.Never kept not in the least, as nothing helped.
I started self injuring again. I did this to distract my mind, my brain, my body my emotions…to distract from the pain which was eating at me every second of every moment in my life. I went threw psychologists, psychiatrists, councilors.
Well I finally found an excellent pain doc and also a pro that I trusted and who I was comfortable with and slowly began to let things out. My pain doc and my talk doc worked together and they never gave up on me. For me I had to go to shands for many tests sometimes the “tests” would be all day 8 hours long with lunch break.
The ink blots… the blocks… the how do you hold a knife …
Just all kinds of tests and of coarse I was aware of the camera recording my every move. Anyways.
After this doc and that one and the next had their turn with me. I was able to get referred to the pain doctor I mentioned who is…was great. (he moved that’s why I said was)
Well my pain doc gave me a list of things to do rather then burn myself with my iron, cut.
He gave me list of things to do that were not considered self injury. But would still distract from this pain. When I mentioned this at another place I got banned from the site for like a month and then for good because I posted things considered taboo… but anyways. The story continues.
I had to go to trial by jury and so half way threw the 2ed week of going to court and witnesses and exhibits and oh just a bunch of things happen when one is on trial.
Well the end of one day near end of trial judge asks the other side who they plan to call to stand next day.
And they stated they planned to call me, the judge let us go home. And boy was I ticked more then you can even guess. I called my lawyer told him if I get called I refuse to take stand I plead the 5th. I was yelling into phone how angry and unfair it was to bring up my history of me and high school and my cutting arms I wasNT suicidal I didn’t purposely cut in front of trailer truck and slam on my brakes… high school was then this is now etc.
Well my oldest girl heard me yelling and heard everything I said. Next day came Lawyer called me to stand and my lawyer would not let me take stand..Something about the driver of trailer truck wasn’t even here so wasn’t fair to put me on stand but if driver will come take stand then he will put me on too. I never took stand I won my case and got fair settlement. But a couple years later my oldest 8th grade ready to start high school. Confided in me that she had started to cut herself on arms and on leg. She had told her friend and now they both were doing it and neither didn’t know how to stop and she felt horrible for telling her friend felt at fault for friend cutting herself too. I had long long talk cus of coarse I knew she had heard me yelling in phone and I was to blame for her cutting .. she was scared she was teen in advanced classes, going to start high school a new school out of town and she just felt different and very scared and confused and stressed and I got her a councilor to talk with and we also talked allot. She stopped cutting and started banging on drums and running and doing softball and finding other ways to deal with her emotions fear anger…and “issues”. She adjusted to high school better then most kids. Her friend needed more counseling and also a father mentor type person but today she too is fine doesn’t cut or self injury. She is black belt and a top weight lifter in her school. So I am not so different then you BP. I am not proud of things I have done self injury and such but it got me threw it was a way for me to control a pain when I couldNT control my other pain, it distracted , it gave me power and got me to seek help and keep seeking till I found right talk doc. it got me to where I am today which is a much better place. I just wanted to share that because you and I aren’t that different B.P.
And I really understand more then you think my friend… I really do.
I pray you will share and talk with your pdoc and keep seeking the right doctor to talk with that you trust and are comfortable with.
Wow did this post of mine turn out way too long. So sorry I hope somehow this will help you in some way or help another and I just wanted to share and let you know that you’re not alone and I am here if you feel like talking or venting.
Your family and we all care and love you always remember this because it is the truth!! Your just as much a caring compassionate wonderful extraordinary strong survivor as me and everyone else here just as much if not more!
Always in my prayers BP.
PEACE
BMW

p.s. your sharing made me brave enough to share and rise above any judgments because you are brave …so was I thank you B.P.

keep being brave share with p doc and keep seeking help.

That's what my pdoc said David. She's disappointed that I need to do it but she would rather see me cut than do it. I do feel like I get some sort of release, if only for a while. I hate it that I do it, I feel so stupid wearing long sleeves in the summer because I'm ashamed. But I don't know what else to do, no I'm not coping and I won't until I tell her everything. And you're absolutely right, don't tell someone who cuts not to, I hate when that happens because they just don't understand. But I'm glad you understand David.


BMW thank you such much for sharing your story. I'm sorry you went through all that but you came out on the other side. I do hope this help someone and makes cutting not such a taboo subject. My heart goes out to you in your daily pain.


I don't want to bring people down talking about some things, especially when I see people having fun so I shy away. I'd like to be the one having some fun in here one day and not be so down all the time. I will get there, I just have to let it out.

I'm cheating and copying what I posted in the BP forum.

I'm going to see her this afternoon at 3. I didn't tell her how bad I was feeling until this morning. I haven't slept at all and can't stop the thoughts. I finally told her I was cutting and that I needed to see her.

I'm not taking any other meds Mari, just Nexium for GERD. I guess she'll know about the thyroid and it needs to be checked. I'm not even sure when I had it checked last. I hope that's all it is. And I told her I have something I have to get off my mind. I'm taking the complaint I typed and the pictures I took. I just have to get my nerve up to show her them.

((((((((((((BJ))))))))))))



I am just so thankful you are posting. this will always be a safe haven for you.

You can do it BJ...we know how much courage you have shown in the past...this is one more hurtle. Remember that you aren't going alone...we all carry you in our hearts.

And we'll be anxiously awaiting a full report!

((BJ)) I am sooooooo happy that you found the strength to tell your doctor how badly you did need to see her. That alone took a lot of courage
I just wanted to repeat what Alffe said, if you need extra strength to tell her what you need to.... think of us.... and know that we are thinking of YOU! Love and strength Nikki

BMW, I commend you too on sharing your story. You never know how opening up can change, effect anothers life. So many people turn to forums these days for help, if no one opened up their pain, and shared.... well no one would ever be helped. Kudos to both of you Nikki

Think of you B.P. and praying things went well that you shared with pdoc and are felling at least a tenny tiny bit better today.
all of us hope that and we are here for you ...we hope you come and give us a short update. we know how hard sharing is ... so just know all of us are thinking of you and LOVE you.
and we miss you too! when you feel like it and get a chance .... come get some hug from your family






PEACE
BMW