(((BJ))) Please continue to see a therapist and often. I know everyone grieves in different ways. But I see you in a big rut that you can't crawl out of. You have to keep taking your meds. If they cause you uncomfortable side effects, then you need to make sure your doctors know this. Please, please continue to talk. It's very true that your 'homework' doesn't matter.

When I went to a therapist and didn't do any 'homework' she may have suggested, I was not ostracized. We just continued with our talks.

Maybe right now isn't the best time to revisit places that bring you sorrow. You need to focus on bringing yourself some peace so that you can deal with those sorrows.

Much love and many prayers have come your way from me.

I can't feel anything; I’m numb again for some reason. I haven't written in my journal in many, many days either and it makes me feel guilty because all my journaling thus far has been direct writings to my family. When I don't write, I feel stuck in some sort of suspended animation, like the world and life is going on all around me but I’m not part of it. I guess if I can't transfer my experiences into words I don't process them, or they don't register, something like that, I don't know. I do know that when I get like this, I have a constant headache. Things are swarming around in my head but I can't seem to put them into words. I have parts of several different poems playing over and over in my head trying to find the words to finish them, but they won't come. It is very chaotic inside my head, very busy but nothing comes from it. And I have all this to blame on my tdoc trying to make me do a time line of my life. It brought back too many memories, some good and some bad.

I want so badly to talk to Mark, to ask how he is doing, and if he misses me as much as I miss him, but I can't do that because he’s not here!! Oh, I can talk to him, even ask questions but I don't get any answers which leaves me feeling empty and alone. I’m just so tired of talking to headstones.

tell me again about your meds.
what are you taking and how is the lamictal coming along?
bizi

Oh ((((((BJ)))))). Those headaches alone can cause sooooo many other problems. I hope you have talked to your doctors about these.

Have you given any thought to going to a massage therapist routinely? If you can afford it? And a good chiro maybe? One who doesn't crack you all about but one who uses other techniques. I have both of those and they have really helped me.

I do believe our physical problems weight heavily in how we function emotionally. Well, not totally, but...physical problems make a whole lotta difference!

Don't worry when you can't journal. I wasn't good at journaling at all and still am not. But, you also don't need to focus on that at all times either. I just don't know how to explain, but try and lose your mind in other things, even movies with subjects you know you'll like. Just to let your mind escape to another place for awhile.

I wish we could be there to help you dear girl. Please please take time out for yourself and baby yourself.

Much much love.

((BJ)) So very good to hear from you

All of us are here for you and have wraped our arms around you B.J. thats a lot of arms I hope you can feel the power of our love and our caring and come post a fast hello to us soon. we worry when you dont check in with us sister B.J.. but in case your not up to it I just want you to know all of us are thinking of you and love you !!! Please give hooper a rub behind them ears and take him for a walk in the fresh air .

Some of the symptoms that you describe sound like obsession in the nature of the thoughts. I am not a therapist, or anything as you know. I do have OCD among the other problems,so I know a little about that.

It seems like your thoughts get fixed on something,and some of those thoughts going around may be obsessions. Luvox has helped me with some of that kind of thinking. It's also a antidepressant. I don't know for sure what it is. I know it's trauma related,inherited,and it's not your fault. You have no reason to be carrying any false guilt. I have tons of that too.

Ask the Doctor if it sounds like a obsessional problem also. There are meds for that.

Hang in there. This to shall pass. BF

Dear Bj, girlie, everyone is worried about you....hopeing that you find the strenght to call your professionals and ask for help with all of this. You must tell them everything.
I am sorry it is so hard....
wish it were easier, I really do.
You deserve to be happy.
((((HUGS))))
bizi

...my heart goes out to you (((((Bj))))))...I have been in some of those dark places and am praying that you will get the help you need and that it will get better....