I want to offer you hugs also. BF:hug::hug::grouphug::hug::hug:

Thank you for sharing Bj.
The therapy sessions sound hard to handle.
Any one there who might be someone to befriend?
It is very humbling to hear of others stories knowing that you are not alone in this struggle.
And this makes me angry:
....the therapist received information from the other therapist notes.
Just because you disassociate doesn't mean you have
DID....diassociative identity disorder (multiple personalities).:mad:

Our mental health systems work so poorly to manage an over loaded system...There are many many stories of abuse at facilities, they should have seperate wings for men and women...in my opinion.

Being Bipolar 1 myself I can relate to your psychotic features, have had those in the past although I have never experienced voices, mine were visual and delusional thinking, false beliefs....very scarey stuff when you are in the throws of it.

ARe you taking an antipsychotic medication? I have taken haldol which was awful, seroquel, made my legs jump, and now I take geodon, a low dose as sort of insurance because I am not manic and haven't been for 5 years. My mood stabilizer is lamictal, it has antidepressant qualities as well. I have been stable on this for a couple of years now....have had a bit of hypomania now and then but nothing that I could not handle.
In the past, The only antidepressant that I could take was welbutrin...I think that is really the only safe one to take for BP1.
Have you tried this before?

What meds are you taking?
If you don't want to share PM if you want.

Until recently, I was taking a sleeping pill but was feeling it was making me groggy in the mornings so have not taken that for a month now.

In the past I have taken anti anxiety meds, xanax, klonipin for increased stress, physical symptoms, rapid heart rate, palpitations.
Sleep issues as well.
In time I no longer needed those.I have learned how to deal with my stress, make a routine for myself, stick to a scheduale as much as possible, have great family support, eat well and play with my cats.

I have an obcessive nature and can ruminate with the best of them...this is where I have to use my head and distract myself from myself.
Does this make sense?

l know that there are a lot of people who care about you....I am one of them.
This is hard work...I know that I keep saying that...it is true....
there are no easy quick fixes..you must just take it as it comes doing each day one at a time....
You can do this....
I have faith in you.:You-Rock:
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

BJ. It's time to go to another therapist. She's experimenting with you. Don't receive what she tried to imply.

You are a child of God. Try to let go of the false condemnation. That was a imagination. False condemnation,and low self esteem go hand,in hand. Just let the imagination fad away.

You will be OK. You have been through a really heard time. It's almost like the book of Job. You have been hit by 4 symbolic wind storms. The storms will subside,and you will be OK.

Get away from that new doctor as soon as you can. She's trying to create something that isn't there. I'd be fuming angry by that point. You are rolling with the punches,but get away from that new doctor. You do not have Multiple Personality disorder. That lady is experimenting with you.

Try to get another therapist as soon as possible. BF

I just wanted to say that I love you Bizi and you make me very proud.

BJ..I hope you and Biz are pming because I know she can help you...she has walked in your shoes..all I can do is love you. :hug:

Dear BJ,
If you feel like it....use this thread as a blog, a place that you can keep open, write out your feelings, people can check back to it and keep it going this way we can easily see how you are doing by coming to your thread. This thread.
does this make sense?
bizi

this made me smile. i hope it does you and hooper too. :hug:

http://dl.glitter-graphics.net/pub/6...hjsup42x4b.jpg

B.
I am thinking of you and I hope you have a pleasent day all day long. please know all of us are holding you in our thoughts and prayers !
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/m...C/angelhug.gif

(((BJ))) Hugs and love for you.

http://dl9.glitter-graphics.net/pub/...jeaw10yail.gif

Hi BJ
 

I'm thinking about you. Hugs,and love,love,love.:hug::hug::hug:

I hope that you are feeling better. BF

suggestion: Rogerian-type therapy AND body work
 

Dear BP,
You say that you don't accept that you have bipolar. Fine.
Do you accept that something is going on and you need help? Do you accept that you deserve help?


Here is something on Rogerian therapy. These people are not bossy or control freaks. They support their patients. I don't know how hard it is to find them, but I provide a link for that too. Put in your zip code. Then do a major interview on the phone. Ask the therapist about what they do and how they handle cases like yours.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Person-..._psychotherapy
Find a Rogerian Therapist:
http://www.findcounseling.com/glossa...n-therapy.html



Also,
I strongly recommend "body work" such as message, accupunture, yogic breathing exercise, saunas, hot baths with magnesium salts, meditation (with a therapist), chanting, . . .

Sometimes when we can't do the work through our minds, we can do the work through our bodies.
]Body work has helped me immensely and I recommend a try.

Regarding therapists: I like the one I have now. She is in her 60s and a wise woman. A friend who was a social worker recommended always looking for a therapist with vast and long experience. The friend told me that you have a better chance of getting someone good if they are someone who has lots of exerience.

Part of me wants to tell you to take a break from therapists. The other part of me thinks that you need a therapist for the simple reason that you need to be able to call someone. You need someone on your side.

Are you having to go to group sessions even though you are out now?
Get through them as best you can.
We are all pulling for you.

Mari

Time to check in BJ...we are missing you. :hug:

When I'm calling youuuuuuuuuuuu oooouooou ooouooooo...*grin. you're probably way to young to remember that song BJ. :hug:

Nope Alffe never heard of that song. I'm still trying to figure out that other one about mother nature.

It’s so hard for me to open up about things Bizi, that’s why I’m such a failure in therapy. I do need a therapist Mari and I know that because there’s no one else. And I do accept that something is wrong and I need help. But I need to feel that someone cares, not like these group sessions their making me go to. All I do is sit in the corner and try to stop the tears. I want to scream at them that I’m bipolar and can’t deal with this. But no one cares, no one notices. I need one on one contact, someplace I can feel safe.

Why do people SI?

Self-injury can help someone relieve intense feelings such as anger, sadness, loneliness, shame, guilt and emotional pain. Many people who cut themselves, do this in an attempt to try and release all the emotions they are feeling internally. Others may feel so numb, that seeing their own blood when they cut themselves, helps them to feel alive because they usually feel so dead inside. Some people find that dealing with physical pain is easier than dealing with emotional pain. Self-injury is also used as a way to punish oneself.

And that's where I'm at. I’m feeling so dead inside. I need to tell someone about what happened in there, I want to feel clean again.

(((BJ))) I'm so sorry you're still having a rough time. Be sure to remember your meds sweetie!

Thank you so much for checking in. It looks like we get a bit worried when you don't.

Much much love. :hug:

bj, when the time is right you will be able tell someone.

no matter what...you are not to blame. :hug:

i can't say enough about how proud i am of you. how brave you were tonight. :hug:you took a huge step tonight.

you are not alone in this now bj. you shared. you told. we know and will be there with ever teeny tiny baby step towards healing.

you are going to heal bj. your inner strength will not let them win over you. you are the winner!

:hug: i love girlie.

i just love when bizi calls you that. :D

(((BJ))) :grouphug:

:hug: BJ :hug:

with much love and prayers lifted for you

Cheri

I wanted to say something intelligent but it left my brain. So all I can think of is thank you for caring, for not making me feel so alone. And thank you Curious, Bizi and Lor for taking the time to chat with me tonight. It really means a lot to me :grouphug:

B.P. it is soooo good to see you post and share. You know the only thing one can really turely learn how to controll is...Themselfs. You arent to blame :hug:.
It might make it feel or seem like. . . if you were to blame thatd make things easier to accept or handle . You dont deserve to be treating yourself like that . You are a wonderful caring sweet brave strong person. I hope you search out some one on one therapy. and when you find it... it may take shifting threw a few people until you find one thats comfortable and has a strong background in the field. I did a zillion times better with one on one then group. and I think thats probly a good idea for you . stay on top of the meds and know that all of us here need you , care about you, love you and MISSYOU when you dont check in now and then. :grouphug:
I send many healing thoughts to you B.P.
PEACE
BMW

BJ,

remember when you wrote this a few weeks back? It still touches me til this day...I go back and read it from time to time...

in your own words, BJ

don't forget it...

Life is such a graph, isn't it? Ups and downs with all emotions and situations. Nothing is ever constant. There are so many wonderful advices given to you. Not ALL of them will apply to you at once. But each one will "fit" at one time or another...

I think life is sorta like an eternal puzzle. As we all try to piece it together...things will "fit" here and there...

I KNOW and deeply believe that you WILL get the more complete puzzle as you stroll along...

and each time one of them applies and fits, I think you'll realize how much you are WORTHY of this world...

you HAVE a family here in this here them forum...

I am just honored to call you and others here my friends...truly honored..

keep strolling...

:hug:

I do remember when I wrote that Moi because it was tearing me up inside and I had to get it out. And my old tdoc that fired me told me life is like a puzzle but you have to be able to put in the corners first. And I can't get those corners to fit right now. My mind is all over the place and I can't get it to settle down. Maybe if I wasn't BP I'd be able to but I can't. I only know of one thing and I can't stop, it distracts my mind.

BMW thank you and I know it wasn't my fault I did nothing, but it happened and I'm the one left to live with the scars. And the scars are deep and they hurt.

HI there girlie,
The thing with healing our wounds....like a cut....there will always be certain parts that are jagged and if we fuss with them ...this interfers with the healing, possibly reopening the wound.
We must learn to be careful of the wound... tend to it... nurture it and let it heal. Ultimately This takes a long time....the surface closes first and then the interior heals from the inside out.
As with any wound there may be a scar that is left behind....for the skin is forever changed when it is has been harmed or when it has been seriously injured. This scar is new skin...actually different from the original skin. In a way as a reminder to be careful of this area. It is fragile.
It has been forever changed...and so are you.
It is amazing how our bodies heal.
IN time I do believe that you will learn alternative ways of expressing your self, touching your feelings and redirecting your thoughts and actions.
Ask for help from those of us who are here to support you.
Please post on the bipolar forum too.
I bumped up a few threads for you there if you have time this weekend.
The chat rooms usually have people there thru out the day and evening usually. very nice folks to chat with, reach out and connect to as many people as possible...we are in this boat together.
Don't give up.........you are loved.
bizi

BJ...Hang in there. I wish I had something better to say. I'm wrestling with my own thorn in the flesh. God help us. Brokenfriend

BJ. Actually your doc quit,and left you alone in your pain,and she walked away leaving you in more pain. Not fair. BF

Hi, BJ,

That old tdoc was such a piece of garbage. And bossy.

There are many ways to do a puzzle. One does not have to do the corners first like she said. One can do certain colors first. . . I've even heard of doing a type of medication to see the puzzle by "listening." . . . and so on.

I wish that I could help you feel better about yourself. When you know in every fiber of your being that you deserve to feel better, you start to make small steps in the direction you need.

Mari

(((((BJ)))))
I so agree with Mari on the many ways to build a puzzle, Sounds to me like that old tdoc was trying to make you fit their mold instead of helping you develop in your own unique one!

It doesnt matter where you start to put the puzzle together BJ, and it doesnt matter how long it takes to finish it, or even if you ever do. God sees the whole picture and He can make the pieces fit!



sending you much love and healing prayers:hug:

psych central chat room link:
http://forums.psychcentral.com/chat.php


bipolar world Chat room:
http://www.bipolarworld.net/Community/webchat.html

"The first step and the first piece of the puzzle is always the hardest..."

BJ, I am so sorry I missed all these posts. I have been deep in my own pain and in the hospital, I am so sorry I wasn't able to help lift you up.:hug: I am glad you are doing better, and I am also, so very sorry for the pain you are in. Each of our pain, is ours alone, but in a group like this... we can at least find people who have an inkling of what we are going through.:grouphug:

I just need to say one thing...and I am just bawling as I try to do so, I can't tell you how proud I am of you, that you were brave enough to reach out for help! There are all kinds of heroes in this world, I consider those who expose all, and admit they need help, and seek it, among the bravest. :hug:

Do take care of you, and please keep us posted on how you are doing:hug:Nikki

(((sweet nikki)))

((BJ)) I worry when you don't check in and it's been awhile. Praying hard that you are doing okay and recuperating.

Lots of love to you.

I want you to know how much you are in my...all of our prayers and thoughts BJ. I hope your apt with doc has been going well. You are such a strong couragous sos sister that gives us strength and kindness. I am holding you deep in my prayers. Give Hooper a big hug and a gentle rub on his belly.
Let us know how you are doing when you can. We love you. and I just want you to know none of us have forgotten about you even when your a little quiet.
:hug: :hug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:
PEACE
BMW

I started ECTs on Monday on both sides of my head this time. I posted in the BP forum

http://neurotalk.psychcentral.com/thread51108.html

My head feels like it's going to explode and I don't think I can do it again.

Someone told me you bumped this up BMW. Thanks for thinking of me :hug:

(((((BJ)))))) I can't imagine how hard this must be.

Just know that we care and are routing for you...for the courage to do the treatment...for a good outcome....for a quick and easy recovery.

:hug: BJ:hug:

I havent been posting much as mega busy with work and family stuff....but you are always in my thoughts and prayers.

Hoping the ECT has very positive results for you this time

remember my PM box is always open:Heart:

Hi BJ!!

Just wanted to stop in and say that you are so very often in my thoughts.

You are such a great inspiration to me!!

I truly wish you the best with the ECT for a wonderful positive outcome.

Your are in my prayers.
:hug:
Abbie

try not to rush it all in, kiddo...listen to your body...

:)

something about your post in the beginning of your other thread reminded me of something.

a friend recently told me that if we say things out loud 10 times, not just in our heads but out loud. We "HEAR" ourselves....

I think it is very brave that you are willing to admit that you are "ill" mentally. But a better term, Mental ILLNESS.

People have associated "mentally ill" with bad connotation and it makes us fearful to admit it...

I have accepted recently that I am crazy(Ok, I should use mentally ill)...I've said it out loud and I am going to see a pdoc soon which I've resisted for almost 9 years now...

being mentally ill doesn't make you less of a person. To me, it makes you a hero to others that are in denial and are afraid to do something with their illness..

because, it IS an illness...just like cancer or whatever...and people aren't afraid to say they have cancer...:)

((((BJ))))

Very insightful sweet Moi:hug:

I too think those among us who admit and seek help are the strongest of souls. You take care of yourself dear ((BJ)) you are always in my thoughts and prayers.:hug:

My pdoc said I should go to the ER. I can't keep anything down, my head's splitting and I can't stop shaking.

I so agree dearheart...did she offer to meet you there? You aren't going to drive yourself I hope. Holding you in my heart and always in my prayers. :hug: