Grieving is an intensely personal experience. Even when you are surrounded with loved ones, who may share the same loss, the aloneness is profound. No one else has the same attachment as you to that which is lost or leaving. No one else's connection, expectations or affections are the same as yours. The personal imprint of this loss is the hole it leaves in your life, and that hole - that emptiness - is not shaped like anyone else's. It is yours, and yours alone. That's why phrases like, "I know how you feel" can be so upsetting. And for good reason: No one does know "how you feel."

Yes, certain universal qualities make our losses similar, like brain function, human emotions, roles, behaviors and beliefs. And once we allow ourselves to share our grief with others, sometimes these similarities can be comforting. You notice that I said, "sometimes." There is no room in grief work for words like "always" or notions like "everyone must go through these stages," or "you should be over it by now."

But it is amazing how similar our feelings can be, and, when they are shared in safe, supportive relationshiips, knowing this can be a great comfort. It also seems we can accept comfort best from those who have walked through this lonely place that we call grieving and who are willing to reach back and take us by the hand, even if the price for so doing is to re-experience the pain of their own losses. The wonderful secret in this formula for healing is that both the comforter and the one in need of comforting experience the miracle of love and hope and yes, even joy in the midst of pain.

Mourning and Dancing A Memoir of Grief and Recovery by Sally Downham Miller, Ph.D

((((Alffee))))
I don't grieve in the same way that a lot of people do, I guess. I rarely cry. I don't lose my appetite. I am not quiet and withdrawn. I guess I seem to be "normal" and most assume that I am not hurting....
little do they know.
Wes has been gone for ten years now and I still miss him so much. There are days that I am still shocked that he isn't here. I still come home from work with things to tell him. I still dream that he is with me.
The people in my life who have understood...and held a hand out to me have saved me...
and the ones who think I have to "get over it"...they're not a part of it anymore.
We all grieve in our own way. But we all grieve.

Alffe, you always have just the right words... I was told by the Hospice SW that the 3 T's of grief help.

Time ~ Talk ~ Tears

da duck: I talk to my Mom alot. There have been so many times when I wished I could just pick up the phone and talk, or sometimes I need an answer to a question and she would have had it. The Hospice SW told me that tears and a feeling of loss are a way to honor your loved one and not to let anyone tell me to "get over it". We cannot will ourselves to feel any different. I'm sorry for your loss and am assuming Wes was your DH?

I have always been a soft touch, but have cried more this past yr, since losing my Mother, than ever. Maybe b/c I'm getting older, but I can tear up so easily. The pain has lessened, but I miss the physicality of her being here.

Thank you Alffe~~ Your'e a blessing around here.

Thank you DM for the kind words. I know what you mean about tearing up...trust me it gets worse the older you get! Have you read that wonderful book..Tear Soup?
I think when our mothers die, it's like the nucleus of our family dies. Not that fathers aren't wonderful...they are but our mothers carried us in their bodies, near their hearts.

Yes, DM, Wes was my husband. He was funny and smart and a good guy. I miss him. I wish that I could cry. It might make it a little easier. I can't though...it just isn't me.
I miss my mom too...she's been gone about three years and that still sort of surprises me all the time.

Bumping up some old threads for newbies...

It's your grief! Claim it. Experience it. Surrender to your grief. And don't let anyone take away your right to it.

Death makes people uncomfortable. They fear it. They understand why you are bereaved, but they have unrealistic expectations as to how you should grieve, and for how long. Why? Underneath, they are uncomfortable with your grief and want it to go away as soon as possible. That's why they attempt to comfort you and give you advice and encourage you to "get over it" and "get on with your life" as soon as possible.

Their discomfort and awkwardness with your situation can lead to some pretty severe "foot-in-mouth" disease.

Hugs for the room.