When we bottle up our feelings caused by loss, it is the same as starting the timer of a time bomb. In the beginning, the bomb ticks softly. The ticks represent problems which are experienced by grievers who don't know how to successfully grieve. It's as if each one of these signs of trouble are ticks of the bomb progressively getting closer to exploding:

1. Sleeplessness - Please be honest with yourself and ask yourself if you're still experiencing sleep difficulty.

2. Periods of confusion - Over making even simple decisions. Things that before the loss would not have bewildered us at all are now unclear, painful, and confusing.

3. Things that aren't there - Many people still find themselves hearing a familiar sound and then going to look for the person who died. Many people still spend time talking to the person who died, setting a place for them at the dinner table, and so forth.

4. Behavioral disorders - Falling into the trap of taking prescription medication, consuming alcohol, or developing an eating disorder to dull the pain.

5.Fear - Of the future and fear of the past, as shown by second-guessing our decisions since the death.

6. Isolation -Many people find themselves emotionally withdrawn from the world. They have small outbursts of anger and can't understand why.
Through isolaton they move further into their protective shell, away from the very feelngs they must confront in order to recover.

*************************
The Grief Recovery Handbook, A Step by Step program for Moving beyond Loss by John James and Frank Cherry, Co-Founders of The Grief Recovery Institute

except for a couple of them, the rest has applied to me the past few weeks...

(((alpho)))

I need to get back into the "game"

I feel apathy...yet...compassionate at the same time...how can that be??
*bigsigh...

Da wife is just awesome...being here for me and understanding but my demons have been emerging so much the past few days...

had a conversation a few months ago with a friend. She said that being depressed and suicidal in a marriage is different than being depressed and suicidal when you are alone...

it's always a learning (is there such a thing for depression and suicidal thought?) curve...eh??

I finally slept yesterday...feel my head is clearer today...

thanks for this...

Your friend is right about being depressed and suicidal alone vs being depressed and suicidal in a marriage.

Unless of course you're depressed about being married...which in your case, is out of the question.

I'm just glad you're venting here and not out somewhere shaking your fists at the heavens.

LOL, I am not sure if my fist shaking to the heaven days are over...

you know, that reminds me...

when Dale and ducky were here, I took them downtown to lunch. I then took off to see a client real quick.

As I was walking on the narrow sidewalk, a lady and her son was walking my way...

her son was probably about 12 and I was in one of those twitchy moments...

she looked at me and immediately pulled her son close to her and then looked at me intimidately.

I smiled to make her feel at ease but I think it made her even more scared.

Her son, however, waved at me. LOL

After I passed them, I felt a bit hurt. I almost shook my hands at the heaven again. But then, I put myself in her shoes and wondered if I'd done the same thing...

the truth is, I'd probably have. Cause she didn't know me from kingdom come.

These days, it doesn't hurt as much, it will probably always hurt, but the hurt doesn't linger on as long anymore...

so the shaking fists to heaven have dwindled...LOLOL

(((((BIG HUGS))))))

"As I was walking on the narrow sidewalk, a lady and her son was walking my way...

her son was probably about 12 and I was in one of those twitchy moments...

she looked at me and immediately pulled her son close to her and then looked at me intimidately.

I smiled to make her feel at ease but I think it made her even more scared" Unquote

Mixed signals... When I tried a big smile at my "seat mate" in the theatre you said he probably thought I was flirting with him. You keep forgetting my white hair!

It happens to all of us! *grin And fist shaking is preferable to bridge jumping.

you're amazing...you remember the "bridge jumping" talks...

I still get the "urge" whenever I drive over bridges. And you have seen how many bridges there are here...LOLOLOL

I have to get outta here, my aunt's here with her hubby. They are staying at my mom's boyfriend's place. You know where you didn't EAT the oysters? LOLOL

I can't believe how much she reminded me of my grandmother...*bigsigh..

they went to the beach today...I haven't been this year...I need to go soon so I can smell the salty sea air and feel "alive"....

(((big hugs)))

you know what's so special about you? You remember those little things and talks...thank you....

much love,

moi and da wife

I have been thinking on this... and thinking on it.......

I think, at least for me.....one reaches a point of breaking. To try and stop the breaking, one tries to suppress, or lessen the hurt that is consuming them. It is a protective mechanism I think. I am not trying to hide from my feelings, I just can't handle them any more. Does that make sense?

I can understand doing this Nikkey...but being stuck in that awful place called isolation prevents you from talking about your loss and also your dads' life. I wouldnt, couldn't handle talking about Michaels suicide for 8 years. I missed out on a lot of living but couldn't help myself.

6. Isolation -Many people find themselves emotionally withdrawn from the world. They have small outbursts of anger and can't understand why.
Through isolaton they move further into their protective shell, away from the very feelngs they must confront in order to recover.

Our dear BJ does/is doing this and it's a giant step backwards in her healing.
(((BJ)))

I'm so sorry to read of your TIA Nikki...you are under so much stress trying to care for your husband and grieve for your dad.

You'r not alone my friend...we are here for you.

Thank you Alffe. My brain understands what you are saying, and I know you are 100% correct!! Alas, I can't help it. I am shutting away inside myself. I can feel it happening, I know it is happening, I should try to stop it...but I don't want to. It hurts a little less.

bumpity, bump bump!