Well, we went to Lynn’s VA doctor on Thursday and I have been crying on and off ever since. I wonder how I can be so close to Lynn, yet so blind to what they are telling me? Or perhaps, that is exactly why I don’t see what others do. I am TOO close. Perhaps too, I just damn well don’t want to see!

We got his test results back. Out of 30 possible points … on his memory test he scored a zero. His cognitive test he scored a 6. I was told that his cognitive function, his thinking process is between that of a 5 and 6 year old. WHAT! I mean I knew he was bad, I guess I just didn’t realize how bad. As a caregiver you just get so use to taking up the slack and caring for them…helping them do thing they have trouble with… that I never stopped to think that is something a 5 year old can do on their own.

I also asked for extensive testing on why Lynn continues to lose weight. I am told over and over it is just part of the progression of Alzheimer’s. If I hear that one more time, I might scream! Lynn is wasting away before my eyes, and nothing I am doing is helping. He is eating very well, yet he keeps losing.

His last weigh in, he lost yet more weight. Fully dressed with his shoes on he only weighed 119 lbs. He is just a shadow of the man he was, not two years ago. Now he is literally skin and bones, helping him shower and dress, it is just so painful to see him this way now.

All the test they did to see if something else was causing the weight loss all came back normal. I called my neurologist-my friend- in tears, demanding to know how I could stop this process. He was so sweet to me, letting me cry rant and scream. He then did give me an explanation to the weight loss I could accept. Alzheimer’s destroys, and eventually kills brain cells. What is happening is that the part of the brain that effects metabolism has been destroyed … his body no longer has the capacity to know how to use the food. So… nothing I can do to stop this. I guess part of me already knew this, but it is so hard for a fighter, to admit they are beaten.

I made a decision. I have decided that I am not going to subject Lynn to any more testing. The VA doctor insisted he needed to be tested to monitor further decline. I refused! Lynn is only going to keep declining, there is no hope left. When one reaches a zero in memory, truly .. what is the point of more testing? Hearing the decline in technical terms and his scores on test… isn’t doing a damn thing to stop the progression. All it is doing, is making my heart break further. I do not need a number, to tell me he is slipping away from me.

My doctor told me about all the things that could happen in late stage 7. Lynn isn’t there yet…. He still tells me daily he loves me…. I am trying to focus on what we still have… not what we have lost.. or what may come. I am scared to death. Alzheimer’s has stolen so much from us. But, I refuse to allow it to rob us of the time we have left!

Thanks for letting me share with you all, "my family"…