That's good advice Alffe and I've been sitting on my hands all week. How come I still hurt? How much heartache and rejection can one person take? How come I have this lonliness inside and this feeling of is anyone out there?

(((BJ)))You ARE going to hurt this holiday season...I just don't want you to hurt yourself. You are early in grieving your dear mother BJ....feel what ever it is you feel: fear, anger quilt, apathy....and hold yourself tight, rock while you're holding yourself. And I don't know who on earth is rejecting you....you have siblings ....did I remember that right?

Turn to others for support....here if you have no one in real life. Most importantly...remember to remember. Your tears will eventually lessen....but not this Holiday season.

Love, Alffe

Siblings? Oh yes, I have a brother who I’ve seen once in 10 years. He got married and took off and drifted away. The one time I did see him was at my dad’s funeral. He never even came to my mom’s because he said she always loved me more. Well yes he was right for once. She did love me more because I was the one who she called all hours of the night because she was having a bad asthma attack when my dad was working. She just wanted someone to be with her or sometimes take her to the ER. My brother was no where to be found. Another one who said he was “too busy”.

I left a message last week and asked if we could get together for the holidays. He never returned my call but yesterday I got a Christmas card in the mail from him. I was shocked when I saw it and I thought maybe things would be “okay” finally. In it was a picture of his two boys and a note saying they were going to Astoria, Queens to be with his wife’s family for the holidays and he was sorry and maybe another time. I certainly won’t be holding my breath waiting to hear from him again. He couldn't even call and tell me?

I'm sorry BJ....another brick wall. You know what helps me when I'm really down?....doing something for someone else. I've served breakfast Sat. mornings for years at the Rescue Mission and when you see how appreciative those people off the street are, it really lifts you up.

How about visiting at a nursing home? Reading or writing letters with the residents....you were such a blessing to your own mother I'm sure there are patients who would love some attention from a woman with empathy.

Just wracking my brain here trying to come up with an idea that might help you get thru the holiday. Warm hugs....stay in touch.

Like you posted- the walls can be built both ways- "Pter" often posted messages here that made sense to others - even seemed to help some- yet when those same messages were extended to his family members years ago they were often met with the "wall'- Now his words make sense to me and I carry them with me knowing that a suicidal thought is just that - a thought that can be dealt with in various other ways besides a suicide attempt- I now know there can be various reasons one might have a tendency towards suicidal thoughts- and that it isn't just emotional or mental instability as it was once said to be- I also learned that we can set ourselves up in situations that make us think the act is justified- sometimes just to give a REASON for the thought- as he would say- it made an illogical thought logical- It took years to hear- and looking through strangers eyes to understand but I think I do now

reflecting upwards

you guys have no idea how frequently i read this.

BJ, BJ - you have us, always. I have a brother just like you describe. Sometimes I think I deserve his lack of time for me - I was a teen when he was born and didn't have a lot of time for him then. But I always loved him. And now he's too busy for an occasional call, even when it's me doing the calling. And I lost my mother in recent years. I have obsessive thoughts about suicide, but no real intent since certain independent churches got hold of me. It was very traumatic, but now I fear death. However, I have learned that when pain gets bad enough, suicide is no longer out of the question. Isn't what we are really saying is that we want out of the painful situation, not that we want to die? Sometimes that does seem like it's the only way out, I will give you this. But know this. Neuro is all that I have for support. Dad would like to be supportive, but he's pretty sure that "getting out among people" would cure my depression, social anxiety, body dysmorphia, back disc problems and everything else. But Neuro - certainly you being a major player - is enough. I love it. PM me anytime you are sitting on your hands or getting sick from treatment, if you do. Use me, I'm not good for anything else, and I'd like to be good for something. And bless you for all the support you have given me! billie

I know the feeling of lonliness inside and wondering if anybody is out there. I think they are, but you have to reach out, probably more than once and experience some rejection in the process. People in this chat forum seem to be out there for you and me. billie bluecat

The eyes of a parent of a child whose death occurred due to suicide are eyes I have always had great difficulty looking into. I have found little difference here in the Forum. Your posts were ones I had great difficulty reading and I rarely responded to them. Why?...because there is a very thin line between a negative or positive understanding of words. My straight to the core manner would be unproductive for a person whose inner core had so recently experienced devastation.

I believe your son's death was an accident. I do not believe for a moment, having been his age and having walked in his shoes, that he understood that his solution would allow him no chance for further solutions. It was an accident. It is not just okay to say your son died due to a shooting accident...it is correct. The momentary action of a gun disallowed him the recourse of reaction with thought.
I pray I haven't hurt you. PTer