hi hippiechick...

you are very brave...

I wish that there IS a magic wand that I can wave over you and make it all better...

I hope you will keep on posting to us and let us walk with you...let us walk with you through this part of your journey so you won't feel so alone at least...

((((BIG HUGS))))

(((Hippiechick))) I like that. I'm an older than dirt hippie chick.

Thank you so much for coming back and I hope you continue. It's true, there are so many loving people here and maybe people who have walked in your shoes. You may just find that. For sure, you will find people who really do care.

Yes, it's times like this that I wish that this community was actually a community we all llived near so we could be there for each other physically as well as emotionally.

But, we are all out here somewhere! I'm in Iowa, and I imagine you are in the United States so....maybe we aren't so far apart.

I'm so sorry for what's happened to you in the past. I can't imagine anyone blaming you for another's death. That's awful! And to not have anyone understand and tell you to buck up. Well... to them.

Please don't be a stranger. We'd love to get to know you more and you us.

{{{{{{{{hippiechick}}}}}}}}}}.....hoping you can find the strength to get you through....just want you to know that you are thought about and prayed for

You're not alone HippieChick...we are here for you..you can vent, scream, cry...we'll listen with our hearts and hold you up with our love.

{{{{{{{{Hippiechick}}}}}}}}........just want you to know we don't forget about people we care about....please drop in and let us know how you are doing

Hello again...things are pretty much the same but I think I'm trying to see it all from a different angle; it helps somewhat. And it helps a LOT to know that I'm not alone and that you're all out there. Yes, I know that my husband cares but I don't talk to him about the disease or any of the things from the past; I learned many, many years ago to keep all of that to myself. I've never talked to ANYONE about any of it. Not sure why...it just didn't seem to be right to share it with anyone. I've never talked about my mom dying and that was in 1973 - think it might be time to say something???? It's kind of like the song of Paul Simon's, "I Am a Rock"..."a rock feels no pain and an island never cries...." that would pretty much describe me! I do keep checking in to read and re-read the things that all of you've said to me because it has helped so much just to know that I do have you in my corner. I'm in the hospital right now but when I go home, I will try and catch up on things with all of you. The docs finally got me right - they told me I wouldn't be able to swallow and, true to form, they were right. I was most afraid of that and some of their other "predictions".....I really don't know that I have the fight that I need for all of this right now, but I will try. I have a tremendous infection and can't seem to fight it off at this point. Fentanyl and all the magic can't knock the pain so hopefully they can come up with something new - I'm tired of fighting "symptoms" - I want a CURE!!!!!!! I think God must be laughing at the "I wants".....ha! Thanks for everything.

Hi hippiechick,
I am so very happy to know that you are fighting. You have a lot on your plate to say the least. I don't know if I would have what you have. You are very brave, even if you don't feel like you are. I think that expressing what you feel will really help. Yes, I love that song by Paul Simon too. Yeah, going back. Use to listen to it all the time as a teen. I don't talk much either. But I am finding that communication is important. I am praying that you will get over the infection. I really would like to get to know you better. I don't know about magical cures, for the most part, they don't exist. But I do believe that there can be a kind of magic in what people share, and how they can help each other through hard, really hard times and difficult situations. Sometimes its hard to accept help from another and expressing those feelings that we have kept to ourselves forever can be even harder. I know my friends here will help you lots. I will be gone next week as my hubby and I want to spend time together before we make cancer treatment decisions. I love you,... and you will be in my prayers everyday. Hang in there!

((Hippiechick)) I am so glad to see you are posting!
You keep fighting the fight, we are here to support you
Keep coming, posting, reading our replies and KNOW we truly
do care. I use to like that song when I was a rebel teen...
now... it makes me sad. Losing my Dad, opned me up a great
deal. I share things I never could have before. A rock.. an island...
Nahhhh I will take a room full of love instead

I hope the doctors are able to find something to clear your
infection and reduce your pain. Keeping you in my thoughts
and prayers Nikki

This is my husband Lynn's all time favorite comic-
we have had it on our frig for well over 15 years!
it seems fitting .....

hi hip chick,

I am so glad you keep on coming back to talk to us...

I've had to think for a bit before I wanted to reply to you...cause you have made me think deep...

first of all, I can tell that you've put others before your own feelings...by not sharing, you are sheltering others from your pain and you feel that if you don't talk about it, they won't feel your pain.

second of all, there's nothing wrong with the "I wants' you want right now...

right now you have EVERY right to ask for the "I wants" and raising your hands a bit and feel whatever it is that you are feeling....

I am not a religious person...but when folks tell me that they believe in God, I believe in God for them...deeply...because we ALL need to believe in something...

when they ask me to pray, I pray deeply with them because I believe in them...

life's dealt you a hand that I don't have the right words for...

and it isn't fair...

I think when we are with someone that we love, and that we know they care back, we actually want to shield or shelter them from the "bad" cause we just love and care about them so much...

I think maybe your husband DO want to hear and listen to your pain...and I wonder if he just doesn't know what to do....

one of my wife's bosses passed away back in May...we became really good friends with her husband...

one of the things he's said to us that have really left an imprint was how he just didn't know what to do cause his wife just didn't wanted to talk about it.

He said that he wished it was ANYTHING, even a scream or something...but she just didn't wanted to talk...so, he just let her be...they both knew it was coming...

he just wished there were more dialogue

I am not saying this is what you should do or need to do, this IS your life and you have every right to choose what you want to do....but I am just thinking, maybe he does want to be involved, in that vulnerable side...to let you know that you can depend on him as well....

and I wish in every being of my bone that they find a cure for you...and for all that are suffering....there are a lot of folks that come here or lurk here that are going through uncurable illnesses or illnesses that will rob them of their lives...

your posting, your talking about it, your openess will help SOMEONE...SOMEONE out there will sit there infront of their screen and clutch on to their mouse and you will open a door for them...

you've opened my eyes, that's for sure....

these are awesome folks....and you are now one of them....

hope you get to go home soon...

((((BIG HUGS))))