(((BJ))) I also can't find the right words. Please know that I care.

Much love.

I know there are no words but thanks for trying. I can’t think what to say either. Maybe if I wasn’t the one to find him hanging there this would be so much easier. I thought he was just taking too much time, we shared a bathroom and sometimes this happened. We had this unwritten rule to never walk in. But I yelled for him to hurry up and there was no answer. I finally opened the door and saw him hanging there. He was such a fanatic about his baseball uniform and hat. His hat was still on straight even though his body was lifeless and blue. I just can’t get that image out of my mind.

I’ve been going through my mom’s belongs these last couple days because it’s always been too painful for me to do. I found something that's had me in tears ever since I found it. My mom lied to me; Mark did leave her a note. I kept the note that Mark left to me because I didn’t want to hurt her, I didn’t want her to think that he knew what he was doing. But she knew all along but never told me. But now at least I know why my dad hated me and did the things he did to me. It's just a hard pill to swallow right now. I wanted the truth and I got it.

This all must be so hard to deal with....
I can't even begin to understand the family dynamics that you have been put thru.
It still doesn't make sense why your father was so cruel to you, how does that explain it now that you found out that your mother had a note also?

I hope that you are getting in some walks with hooper girlie...
the weather must be getting cooler for you...it is here and we are in the south....
keep posting, keep talking venting...
we are listening....
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

(((BJ))) See? You were not the only one 'keeping secrets'. At least let go of that guilt. You were all trying to protect one another.

I think a lot of us hold images that haunt us. I do. But the one image I can think of is nothing I can change. It happened. It's part of my past. When it comes to me, I block it as fast as I can and move me and my mind in another direction.

It's hard not to live in the past, it takes work to move forward and also to live in the now.

As you heal, I hope you'll be able to block this image as well. Work with your therapist on this. Just sharing with us is huge. It gives us a chance to take some of your hurt away.

I'm glad that you are posting. The anger that you feel is repressed anger,that is coming up to the surface,and it can be expressed,and healed. It is good,and healthy for you to uncork the anger. Let the anger come out. This will be healthy for you. I found this out one day myself about me. I let anger come out,and I felt relieved for short periods of time. Brokenfriend

Yes, Brokenfriend is absolutely right. It's good to release the anger. You've got to get it out. Holding onto anger can be destructive to us, so letting it go is a good thing! You are doing great sweetheart!

Longing…is an actual physical pain, the longing for the one who passed by way of their own hand. I can close my eyes and feel Mark’s presence, feel the way he would look at me with that big grin that said he was tickled that we were brother and sister. We always wanted to be together; at least that’s what I thought. What he wrote in that letter to my mom tells it all and I’m sure she showed my dad. My dad wouldn’t have turned away from me or abused me like he did if she hadn’t.

Yes, you’re right Doody we all tried to protect one another. Now I am left as the only one in the world with those memories, no one to share them with, no one to say " do you remember when we...."

So what do I need to forgive my brother for, for completing suicide, for hurting me, for hurting our family? I was talking to my priest about it and I said if my brother was sitting beside me, right then, and I said to him that I forgave him, he would say “What for? This is my life, my choice, my responsibility, my decision to check out! And if YOU have a problem with it, then see a shrink!” I absolutely know that is what he would say.

So I've been questioning myself if I honestly even believe in the concept of forgiveness, really and truly. Sometimes in my adult spiritual life I've had to sit down and get quiet with myself, and honestly question myself about exactly what it is I do believe.

So.......this is just beginning, an effort on my part to struggle with the concept of forgiveness, to decide to forgive for my own sake.

I've never particularly like the idea of acceptance either. I am much more comfortable with the word reconcile.

"More than one soul dies in a suicide". I can’t remember where I read that but truer words were never spoken.

He was not thinking right before he committed suicide. I don't know what your Mother thought. She was probably grieved,and didn't know what to do,or think. They may have tagged the blame on you,but nothing could be further then the truth. It was((Not!))your fault. I'm so sorry that all of this happened.

It is very traumatic for you. It sounds more,and more like Post Traumatic Stress Disorder,and not only grief,but also rejection.

As far as forgiveness,when Jesus was on the cross,and people betrayed him,even his apostles,He said Father forgive them,for they know not what they do.

I believe your parents knew not what to do. They where human. We all make mistakes,and unfortunately hurt others.

That is always a part of a emotional healing. Forgiveness. It will also bring peace,but by all means let the anger out. You may need to let the anger out before you can work on forgiveness,but please keep it in the back of your mind to forgive.

I don't think anyone really meant to harm you. It sounds like there was allot of hurt,and tragedy in your family. I think that they all had their own troubles,and it was not your fault.

God's yoke is easy,and his burden is light. This heavyness is not from God,and He wants your heart to rest. He wants you to be at peace. None of those things where your fault.

Not only Veterans go through Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

I love you. You keep hanging in there. Let the anger out. Please keep it in the back of your mind to forgive. It's a delicate process for the heart to do. Brokenfriend

This my friend is beautiful.
bizi

BJ
sometimes I think forgiveness is more for me then for the person I am forgiving, I meen the pwoer and controll that blame and guilt has on me is horrible so in order to shake off that ugly power and gain some controll back I forgive the other person. then i feel more in controll the guilt kinda drops away a little bit slowly and surely it drops bit by bit and I feel much better after a while. because i have decided to forgive and that in itself is very healing and helpful.
your whole post is beautifuly spoken and Thank you for trust and for sharing and reaching. I hope thing are getting better at your day apts. Have you gotten to see a grief councilor yet? I pray so. Keep sharing with us and your doc , group and take your meds and eat healthy make sure you get your rest too.
we love you so much BJ. your a great friend and a wonderful family member here. You are smart kind and have a huge heart. I am glad you are here and that I have gotten a chance to meet you and become a friend! Many Blessings at you BJ.
Sending positive healing prayers for you.




PEACE
BMW