A couple of days ago my eldest son now 16, phoned me at work and asked if he could cook spaghetti for dinner. I was shocked at his volunteering yet very pleased thinking he had taken on board a recent conversation we had, had.

basically if he helped out around the house when h was not at college, it would be a great help, and keep his mother off his back about not finding a part time job

So upon his cooking suggestion i thought well done son. when i finished work we went to visit my wife's parents, and my eldest son was in a great mood, making everyone laugh.
When we returned home, after some hesitation he told me he had been cleaning and dropped my camera and broken part of it.

I got very annoyed, not just about the camera but i questioned the circumstances of the accident, as no cleaning appeared to have taken place where the camera was . My instinct was to assume he had been using it and just dropped it.

I was so annoyed because i thought he wasn't being honest, i stewed on it overnight, and went to work although it was my day off, to support a guy at court seeking joint custody of his children, i had promised to attend as support and could not let him down. [big mistake]

I got myself more screwed up in general, and went for a drink, after vowing to my wife 6 weeks ago to give up.

upon getting home, no washing up had been done, a parcel that i was waiting for had been UN delivered because no one was in and my eldest Son was out ..................

later that night i lost my temper and threw ketchup at wall, and acted like a crazed demon shouting and roaring and basically brought forward fear to my whole family.

The camera is the most expensive thing i own [of my own]
it was a birthday gift from my wife, that meant the world to me.

it has over many months become my friend, confident, escape, and distraction from a more destructive Hobie [alcohol] its helped me to see things in clear light, natural beauty, detail, and clarity. I NEVER NOTICED SUNSETS quite the same before i had the camera.

but its only a camera, .......................why did my world fall apart............
why did i react the way i did....................i feel ashamed at my behaviour..

i also recognised a trait in myself...........when I'm annoyed with others i tend to do something that will make them hate me more.............i then feel i don't have to tell them how much they have upset me...........because by then they couldn't care less if they upset me any way.

My life has always been in black and white...shades of grey don't exist.............a row =divorce, a fight=death, or prison,,....heated words= nobody likes me........despair=suicide [today at this time thats not in my mind thank god, ...but when I'm in the barrel running around with no out...god I'm scared of my black and white view on life].....total paranoia................
WHY WHY WHY.................

I despise confrontation.............but at times i feel like I'm in the SAUNA ROOM [like Moi]

yet i cant seem to get my point across without having to turn into a psycho to prove I'm annoyed.....


i KNOW IM IRRATIONAL, i cant seem to get myself to do what i advocate to others and THINK FIRST!
SELF DESTRUCT.........Comes to mind

I'M not sure how to mend my home life, this time its got as bad as it could...get...........but i brought it on myself over a bloom-in camera!!!!!!!!!

(((DMack))) I think you and I had a similar conversation sometime back....you drink to self medicate??? If I remember that correctly...and I wonder if Not drinking is causing you much stress. Are you taking any medications to help stabilize your "mood".

Marriage is such an interesting tho unnatural state of being in my humble opinion. (been doing that for 50 plus years so now it's become a habit..*grin)

How does she feel about yellow roses?

How does she feel about yellow roses?


her favourite..............but if only it was that simple.


medication= anti-depressants last 2 years.........

many thanks Alffe

Dmack

The fact that you despise confrontation may be the very reason that you explode and self medicate.

I too had always avoided confrontation.....to the point of becoming a doormat to most everyone. Once I learned how to communicate my displeasure with things that annoyed me in a constructive way, I am able to get my point across without much confrontation. And my ulcers have been much better too.

No more "Stuffing" how I feel to avoid a fight or to spare anothers feelings.

I was one of those people that would "flip out" over things that to an outsider appeared silly at best. The thing I flipped about wasn't even what I was upset about, but when I had enough, I blew! Now that I address issues as they come, they don't build to the boiling point.

I don't know if you are a stuffer or not but I sure know the shame in an explosion of anger.

Hang in there!

Dottie

I am sorry about your camera David...you do take lovely pictures with it so I can only imagin how upset you must be. You really shouldn't have to act like a crazy person to be heard in your own home.

And remember all cats look grey in the night!

Our moi is out of town until Sunday but I'll sure he'll have plenty to say when he returns.

no price on the words coming from a parent....i was wrong, i'm sorry.

even if it's for jumping to conclusions or over reacting or just feeling bad about the way the conversation ended up.

maybe your son can help you find a camera repair shop.



roses may not fix it, but it's start.

David you know how very special you are to me. Don't forget your words, we share a commonality. I hope you can feel my love and I hope I can instill a little bit of strength for you to hold on, hold on tight.

I chose yellow roses for your wife and red roses for your bleeding heart

(((David))) I have a feeling a lot of us parents have done and said things that we regret and feel just terrible about. AND self-medicated. You are human. This just makes you the person you are...wonderful. Each time something like this happens, you learn and expand your consciousness. Each of us has such potential to expand that consciousness, and you dear man, do an excellent job. You're a great dad.

"When I'm annoyed with others I tend to do something that will make them hate me more...."

David...how true for those of us that struggle...

I did that a lot when I was younger...I tend to do that just a little bit these days if I don't
catch myself doing it...but I usually would catch myself before it gets too late...

the anger issue I can so relate as I am sure a lot of folks could relate to...

The black and white part I could relate to somehow...especially the "fight" part...to me, if I
have to get to the point of fighting, then it is fight to death...

to start off, I don't want to validate you by saying what you did was the "right" thing to do...

but I DO want to say that I understand where you're coming from...

((((BIG HUGS)))) dude...

I think you and I came from the same factory. We came from a factory of high pressure cooker
except the manufacturer forgot to put a "vent" in us...


that's where the first part comes in...we DO have a high tolerance for anger...but it is the build
up part that's the problem.

I think for us, instead of releasing that steam a bit at a time or release them as we boil...

we simply retain that steam and then we build on it.

how do I know? what you've said: "I despise confrontation"

it is when we despise confrontation that we then retain that steam and then it builds and builds and builds
but remember, we were built without a release in the first place...

so, this is where the irrational part comes in...we then start to see RED more than black and whites anymore...

and the more "little" things happen the more we get annoyed...it could be something as simple
as NOT being able to find our keys when we need to go for a drive...that could truly trigger us and then that little
bit of steam is now added to the bigger steam...
now, that pressure becomes tremendous...


how would one release a pressure cooker that has NO release?? We have to break it, that would be the only way

but then we can't just take a hammer to it. The steam would hurt everyone around it...


or, we have to let it out from the inside in the form of explosion...because the pot simply can't contain
the pressure anymore...and "thar she blows..."


you have the right to be upset about your one possession that you truly treasure...it was broken and the

explanation of why it broke was NOT satisfactory and you were actually trying to talk yourself out of NOT getting annoyed by it
it seems...because you then tried to do other things to try to make yourself forget about it.


But then it just sits with us and then we think about it and we ask why wasn't the truth told when the story that was told
didn't make any sense at all...and that if the truth was told, it would've been much better....


then of course the spiral would come and then we work ourselves more into this oblivion of RED...

and once it gets to ALL red...WHAT BLACK AND WHITE???

Black and white actually means LOGIC...


black can mean yes(or no) and white can mean no (or yes)


1 or 0


on or off


logic...


WHAT LOGIC????????


What logic is there when we can't figure out HOW and WHY the camera broke?

WHERE is the logic when we cannot see beyond the red??


Who defined logic??


one interesting thing that are about humans are that we all tend to become illogical at times...

and you had an illogical moment...


was it a good moment, of course not....that ketchup bottle was your explosion from your pressure cooker...


it was a quick release...and then the red starts to fade and then the black and whites are back again...

and now, the guilt sets in...because we now can see why it WAS wrong...why it instilled fears into the ones we love...

and why we are now wanting to hurt ourselves even deeper...


and we feel like yellow rose wouldn't help....


But...


It does...in a way...


beyond the illogical...there is something that separates you from a mass murderer...

you are a truly compassionate person...


you DO care...and your family knows that...I am sure your wife knows that....


and while no, it won't CURE things..it IS a start...

we all need a start again dude...especially when we KNOW we love the ones we love and they love us back...

and then dialogues should open and communications should open and that is where we talk and then we hope and pray that
there is NO next time....*crossing fingers...


Dave, I got so angry at this grandkids ordeal last year that I went outside to kick a tree...

I kicked until I almost broke my foot...and I still kicked it...because I was soooo angry at what happened...


I STILL am...


our daughter has been making great strides and getting her life back in order...she's done a lot since all these has happened and
I so hope that she will stand on her own two feet soon...

but in the mean time...the damage HAS been done and I am having a hard time forgiving her...I've talked this over with moss many times and I thank

the heavens for her understanding and I beat myself up everyday for stewing over it...


the past few days have been even harder because everytime our grandkids act up, everytime they are crying or angry

I find myself being angry at our daughter...for what she has done...(illogical because I KNOW that she is trying really hard to change)

and I know that it'll take time...


And I just cannot figure out WHY I cannot stop feeling this way...


This is where I would come here and seek YOUR help (as well as others) because this IS where you would
see a clearer picture better than I could....


You DO have great insight and give great advice...but when you're the one in the fog...

don't forget that it's OK to have others shine some lights for you...and I am glad you are posting....


yellow roses won't solve your problems...but it will be a good start...to open some doors...


it will take some efforts...but I am sure you WILL make them...cause you ARE that type of person....


the type of person that has not lost ONE ounce of respect from me....but I have more admirations for you even more now because
of your willingness to share something so hard as this...

dude, be hard on yourself and then talk yourself out of it...we need both...to be hard so we'll try another way the next time...

and to forgive ourselves (which is the hardest thing to do) because if we don't...we'll actually
end up driving everyone around us away...because when we don't like ourselves, it makes it harder for others to love us....

((((BIG HUGS)))) dude...

((David)) thinking of you and hoping things are better for you