I've tried to find the Why...
 

Hey Nik,
As you know, my mom did the same thing... we were best of friends, only 16 years apart. We spoke every day... sometimes 2 times a day. She stopped taking my calls one week before.

She "had" told her doctor! He "did" give her medication! It wasn't enough! Medication is not the answer to the immediate deep dark depression they are going through.

However, if her doctor had told her husband, I don't know that he (her husband) would have been able to stop her... If your dad's doctor was compelled to tell someone, wouldn't it have been your step mom? It wouldn't have been you necessarily. AND, do you think your step-mom would have reacted?

Unfortunately their generation (my mom is from the same age group) thought that mental health was something that wasn't supposed to be discussed. It was a "secret" that people weren't supposed to know about.

My step-dad told everyone that my mom died from a heart attack! Well, yes, her heart stopped beating.... but he didn't want to tell anyone that she had committed suicide! Even ME! Her own daughter! Her BEST FRIEND! I had to find out from the police department in her town! I did what you did... I investigated. I called the police to find out what happened and they told me the truth!

It's one of those sad things that until WE can get it out there how much it hurts the family... and how important it is that everyone get help... it will continue to be "swept under the rug"!

Depression is a hereditary problem! TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF!!!! Don't become one of the statistics.

I remember after my mom was gone, I was actually hospitalized for a week because of mine. I reached out. NO ONE LISTENED!!! I asked for help from my husband. I asked for help from my doctor. I asked for help from my neighbors. Finally, I took some pills myself. I knew it wouldn't kill me, but I was so deeply depressed I couldn't get anyone to hear me! I needed help and I needed it bad. When they put me into the hospital, I got the intense therapy I needed! The sad part is, I didn't have medical insurance, so no one followed up. I was left to go it alone after that.

It's a long long hard road back to the real world. I'm going on 5 1/2 years and now I'm having to file bankruptcy for all the medical bills that were created during that time.

Emotionally, I'm doing o.k.... but financially, my life is a ruin!

ASK FOR HELP! I know I'm in a lot of financial trouble, but you know what? I'm alive! I have three beautiful children who love me and four even more beautiful grandchildren who light up when I walk into the room. NOTHING can replace that feeling!

(((Nikki))) I'm not trying to shoot you down but it's too soon in your grieving to change anything..you need comforting, you need to talk about your Dads' decision...I can see you doing all of this down the road..when you have accepted what he did..when you have forgiven him.
Then you will be able to reach out and help someone else.

You wouldn't be the you we have come to know and love if you didn't want to change things...but trust me...it's way too soon. :hug:

Thank you David. I was invited today to speak with the town about the coalitions goals and to tell my story on Nov 19th. :thud: Not sure IF I can, but I am going to try. My short term goals are to get into grief therapy (first appt next week) and to start the wheels turning with the town.

My long term goals, I am not sure of at the moment. But, I do know I have a long way in my own healing to go before I could be any sort of help for those contemplating suicide. Caring for Lynn, and my own disability will limit what I can personally do also. Just that one suicide call from my Trigeminal support group I am involved in had me a total mess for weeks :eek: I'm not ready... yet

But, I can talk with the town about programs I feel are needed. I can express my concern for lack of local care, and the lack of support for survivors. They say for each suicide there is an average of 8 (close) survivors. In two years time in my small town, that leaves over a hundred survivors!!! I am sure, they feel as alone and consumed in their grief as I do.

Years from now, I might be able to aspire to do something as wonderful as the Samaritan. " from acorns---come oak trees" With healing and time, perhaps I could become a great oak. It gives me hope, and I need that now. Thank you ((David)) you make a great raincoat!:hug: Nikki

LOL, Alffe you reading my mind again? You must have been writing this as I was typing my reply to David:hug: You are correct as always, Now is too soon ... but not to soon to change anything....baby steps :)

((Seams)) Thank you for this and for your IM's. Talking with you has helped me greatly.:hug: I didn't know about your immediate after math, I am so sorry you had to go through that! :hug:I know the feeling well. It is actually very common for close loved ones to think, or act on suicide themselves after such a loss.

I was blessed in that area.... I wanted so desperately to just go and be with Dad. But, I was alert enough in "the dark fog" to know one should not be that happy thinking about dying. It shocked me enough that I did seek help. I remember clearly that moment. My Dad always said, there ain't no lace on my panties, I remember screaming to Dad to God.. well there damn well IS lace on my panties! I made the hardest call I have EVER made. I called my Mom and told her I hurt so badly I wished I could die. That I loved her and my family so very much, but I didn't think I was going to make it.

*crying*

I know I hurt my Mom with that call, she burst out crying saying you keep talking to me! Damn it, you hang on for me , your sister is on her way! She kept me on the phone till my sister arrived... she told me over and over how much she loved me. I kept saying I'm sorry Mom, I'm so sorry.... and I will never forget, she said no darling, don't be sorry, be damn PROUD!!! My sister arrived, tears streaming down her face, her body wracked with sobs, but she too didn't condemn me, she cradled me, told me she too was proud of me and that we were going right now to get me some help. We stopped to pick up my Mom and I placed a call to my doctor.

All the way their I was wracked with guilt for putting my poor Mom and sis through this hell. They insisted I had done the right thing, that they were crying because I was in so much pain, not that I had caused them pain. They said, if I hadn't reached out, and had done what Dad did, that would have surely killed them. Now, looking back, I know what they told me is the truth. It would have hurt had Dad called and told me he hurt that badly, but NOTHING compared to the pain he left me in.

I was also lucky in that I have a very kind and compassionate doctor. He had a shot ready, hugs and tissues. He kept me there for the longest time. It has been 8 months, but I remember word for word what he said to me.... I don't think I will ever forget......He lifted my face up and while holding my face and making direct eye contact said " if you had cut your arm off, you would RUN to the closest place to find help wouldn't you!? Well, your heart has been ripped out of your chest, and you are damn well bleeding to death! I am so proud of you for coming to me, for asking for help."

I was shocked that so many people were saying they were proud of me! It floored me at the time. Now, 8 months later.... I can see the strength it took to reach out. Certainly more, than had I given in.

So yes, part of me is very angry at that doctor. I imagine it cost my proud strong Dad even more to admit to him that he was depressed. Something should have been done. I will never know if the meds could have worked. I will never know, if he was given meds would that have opened a door for him or my step mom to tell me? So, I understand medication alone, might not have saved him. But, he DID deserve the chance. It is tragic, and it needs to stop!

((seam)) through your sharing, opening up to me.. you give me strength and more important, hope. Thank you from the deepest part of my heart:hug: Nikki