Here is a quote from one of my favorite philosophers Friend, Friedrich Nietzsche:




I am going to try to live by that sentiment. However hard it feels now, I want to live my life so that, if that hypothetical situation came true, I could answer the latter. I want to know that, if I had to live my life over and over again, that would be a good thing. I don't want to know that I would be bored by repeating my life, or - even worse - that I would choose death over it. I'm not trying to get rid of the rollercoaster of emotions, I just want to be able to know that, while I’m on this ride, I would not regret the decisions that I would continue to make, always the same. I don't want to look at the prospect of the eternal repetition of life and feel guilt or regret or anger or sorrow because of how I have dealt - and will repeatedly deal - with something that has happened to me.

I think what Nietzsche is asking in this passage is, in a choice between how life is and how life could hypothetically be, would you choose the reality - where life ends in death - or would you choose the possibility - where life repeats itself endlessly, never changing?

I want to be able to say that I'd choose the possibility that the prospect of my life continually repeating itself - the good and the bad - would be infinitely better than ceasing to exist altogether.

I have not reached that point yet, but I hope that one day I can honestly say I would choose life over death.

My pdoc sent me this yesterday and I hope it helps you Friend, I hope it helps every one here to love themselves like I love all of you. You're my surrogate family and I can't thank you enough

A Promise to Myself

I promise to be kind to myself today,
negative thoughts I will chase away.

Those cutting remarks and critical words
from my inner voice, will not be heard.

This personal battle comes to an end.

My inner child need time to mend.

Haunting memories of past mistakes
will no longer cause my heart to ache.

My freedom comes from the inside out,
from letting go of that old self doubt.

But my power comes from God above,
who helps transform me with God's love.

reading this thread and letting it filter through my mind, heart, and soul, does more for me than I can put into words, so I won't try. I am deeply touched by it. And I know, even more acutely, that I am not alone. Friends here do understand, and walk the path with me. We are walking this path together. And together we pick each other up, inspire each other, help each other with the next step, whatever that may be for each of us individually. I can relate to so much of it. You truly inspire me. All of you

BF...I think it is true that family can get 'tired' of us when there are mental/emotional issues to deal with. I have experienced this myself. And, I think, they just don't know how to deal with it. They feel helpless to help. They express it in different ways. Sometimes with anger. Sometimes all they can do is turn away, because they don't know what else to do, how how to sit with our pain, and love us through it. Its not that they don't care, they just don't know how to help. They don't realize that we just want to be treated as though we were not 'ill' all they can see is the illness. They don't see the person inside. The one that just wants to be loved. I have been through abuse and trauma that has affected my whole life, the way I view the world, the way I react to people, etc. But, there can be healing from it. We can learn to cope. I know how it feels to be on a roller coaster ride emotionally. I am going through that right now, where the joy just bubbles up and everything is sunny, then BOOM! I am in despair again. I walk through the despair, and find joy again. My eyes and my heart have to be open to it. And I use the moments of joy to get me through the despair. Over the last year there have been times when all I could do was put one foot in front of the other, because there was no other way for me to go on. Every single step took a tremendous amount of effort. But I found that if I would just do that, take that one step, then the next, and the next, I could get something done that would help me to survive. Now I have to keep doing that, and you are doing that too. I think there are many people here at NT who are doing that. And I think it gives us strength. I am praying that your session with the counselor will go well today, and that it will be the step that can keep you going. It hasn't been but a few months that my battle with that beast was very nearly lost...too nearly lost...prayer got me through, helped me to reach deep inside for what I did not think I had. Yes, truly, He lives within us. Try to keep your head up....and let us know how it went.

BJ Thank you for that treasury of wisdom. I hope that you are doing OK.

Mistiis Thank you. Those we beautiful,and heartfealt loving words. Thank you so much. My counsellor called early this morning,and said she couldn't see me till next week. So I will see her next Wednesday. BF

I'm sorry you have to wait until Wed. BF but if I were you I'd use that time to make a list, prioritize your needs so you can get the most benefit out of your time with her.

I have suffered panic attacks etc and my younger brother had the same as you, panic attacks, OCD, Severe depression and this summer he did successfully commit Suicide. Please, please don't! It's a permanent solution to a temporary problem. My family is going though hell right now, missing him and all of us blaming ourselves in one way or another. My thoughts are with you and call someone, anyone if you are in crisis! Or go to nearest emergency department. PLEASE!

Lauri, I am so very sorry for your loss, and the pain your family is now in. My Dad took his life in March of this year... I know the type of hell you are trying to survive. We are here to help support you if you want to share.
(I am going to PM you) Nikki